Learning how to drive my wife

I worked for a while with my wife before we started a relationship. Due to long experience I quickly noted Autistic tendencies. The way she interacted with others, the way she took over if someone wasn't doing their job properly and a face covered in a layer of makeup. The makeup was a screen to hide behind, a barrier to the outside world and the people within.

As the relationship flourished I learnt more, all backing up what I had believed for previous months. At home she could only sleep with the tv on, that has now been replaced by the 6 Harry Potter audio books every night. It forms a routine and helps her mind settle and then sleep is easier. In fact the time between saying "goodnight" and gentle snoring can be 30 seconds.

Routine is always important, sudden change has to be planned as far as possible. If she wasn't looking forward to the activity the change is a little easier. I haven't tried to change her, I have accepted every part of how she leads her life. Any changes have come from support and giving options. Such as, choose makeup or another hour asleep. She knows she doesn't need to put a mask on, the makeup lasted for a while but ended up not happening. This was partly due to the damage doing to her skin.

It also saved a fair chunk of money. Her need to do extra work if others didn't do it was something that had to change as well. Running up and down stairs , all day isn't healthy for anyone. Neither was working silly hours, accepting overtime every time the bosses went to her. They knew they were exploiting her, she just needed reminding.

Her brain tended to say yes to any request made of her, even before considering the options. Often she would then regret agreeing, and upset her self trying to change her answer. Then of course, she didn't want to upset the person whose offer she accepted. This was added to the accepting overtime because no one else would do it. Putting yourself first was always a hard thing to do, but overtime its happened.

Her early years included poor parenting and bullying from school. The dodgy parental input led to a terrible diet and being allowed free reign in order to placate her. We live with her parents at the moment, the early mistakes remain easy to see. Not seeing a dentist until her mid 20s for example, just because her parents had a phobia. Now in a few short years , she has had some dental work and a few hygienist visits.

My experience with Autism goes back a very long 36 years. Both my children are on the Autistic spectrum, I worked at their schools, have done large research and have spent a few years working with young adults who are also on the Autistic spectrum. Although both my kids have moderate learning delay , but my wife has none, their Autistic traits have many similarities.

They can get overloaded easily, try not to upset people and can be easily distracted. They prefer information in small amounts and only when relevant to the immediate time in front of them. Although my wife and eldest have long memories and can produce relevant information with ease.

Although my wife was happy to accept my unofficial diagnosis she decided to confirm it when we had been together 8 years. After a doctor, some witness statements and an interview with an expert it was confirmed. I think this was a relief, she occasionally refers to it as a reason behind any mistakes she makes. The benefit is that she can use it to show people she will have problems in certain areas, while having a now official reason.

The barrier have gradually come down, probably as she realises there's no need to hide anything. She also has answers for herself, it explains how she has experienced life for her first 30 years. Her parents accept her as she was but wouldn't accept she was Autistic if we told them. There was a suggestion during her school years, her mother shouted the suggestion down immediately. Probably thinking a confirmation looked bad for her, while not thinking of her only child and her needs.

Autism remains a condition that occurs in the vast majority through genetics, a small amount due to the mothers progress through pregnancy and a small fraction due to the actual birth. Its not vaccines and its not poor parenting. Its not something to be scared of, its not a stain on the parents and its not bad for the child. Its something that needs more teaching about, not research that's already happened.