Killing the False Self

It all seemed so serious, years ago. The question of the false self and the real self. The question of the human condition as applied to the long-term inconsequential that all felt so dire at the time.

Do we kill the false self?

A question of medication, of therapy, of help. Wanting to be better, to feel better, to do better — but what of the self as I know it? What of the familiar tribulations, pain, ruminations, and fears? Do those not make me as I am?

What if, what if, what if.

So I took the first step, repeating again and again and again until finding the right person to help me. A puzzle of gradients I put together with so little guidance, replete with discouragements and judgements. Always the question of what if this is it for me; what if this condition is as good as it gets.

Who am I without the sorrow and suffering?

Just as the trapped fox with its leg entwined with wire gouging into muscle who bucks and bites the person trying to free it, we rebel against the metamorphose into stability and safety.

Accepting the unfamiliar goes against instinct. It’s hard to accept that the highest highs in your happiness are gone. I hated it. I resented the little pill keeping me in check for preventing me from the ecstasy I found from the little things. But the resentment left when the lows hit and they didn’t ram deep to the marrow with the pain of its intensity. I was free of one pain. I could see I didn’t have to live as I had. The self which rattled the crate as a trapped animal didn’t have to exist as it did.

Is there a false self to kill?

This is the question to answer. The disorders, the traumas, the trials — they don’t need to have free rein over you, but they remain in the brain with unfortunate squatter’s rights. They dictate the mapping of neurons which can be bandaged and healed yet leave behind knotted scar tissue; fragile and able to be stripped apart. I can’t change how my neurology has shaped and settled. This is part of the psychological and emotional makeup I can’t slice off. I make peace with them, making treaties they will break time and again.

It doesn’t matter the names of those which plague me. It doesn’t matter the language I use or presentation. It’s as ugly as it is beautiful. I can’t let them out to play, but they must remain. There is no false self here. All there is are the efforts and changes made to keep them locked away and out of reach of others so they may not be harmed through the pain of witnessing suffering and misplaced anguish.

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If you feel you need or should seek help for your mental health, the best thing to do is seek out a licensed therapist and/or psychiatrist. There is a often a community mental health resource center to go to which can be looked up by typing that into a search engine along with the name of your state. It is also worth looking into group therapy where the cost is divided by the number of people in the group. This is not the best option for everyone and it’s ok if this isn’t something you are capable of. A support groups does not offer therapy or even counseling, but still can be a way to find support especially when you are in a supportive home environment and/or lack a support system. However, not everyone has access for one reason or another (or for several).

It is fine to seek out self help books and therapy work books. Be careful of what material you pick up (especially with self help books) and look up the author to see if they appear to be a trustworthy source.

The most readibly available therapy books are the DBT Skills Training Manual by Marsha M. Linehan (no affiliation) and the DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha M. Linehan (no affiliation). There is the previous edition at a more accessible price point when bought second hand. It follows the same structure and principles with worksheets: Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha M. Linehan.

DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) focuses on emotions, understanding where the emotions come from, how to calmly assess, practice your emotional response, and building communication skills in conveying your emotions and concerns to work towards problem solving. It was borne of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), developed by Marsha M. Linehan for the treatment of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) in management of mood and emotional response. It’s not restricted to BPD, however. It has shown great success with Depression and Anxiety. It also appears promising for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Overall, it’s helpful with the emotional side of things and understanding why you react the way you do. As always, it’s best to work with a licensed therapist to guide you through it and clarify any concept or skill so that you may effectively practice it. It’s also fine to familiarize yourself with it prior to getting professional help and have questions ready.

And remember: if you are working with a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, etc. you are allowed to shop around for the best fit and to fire them if they are unhelpful and/or disrespectful. You deserve proper, quality care where you are treated with respected and your concerns are heard.

It can be difficult to try to manage your issues on your own, but it is far better than nothing and some people do find success. You are more capable than you believe and not everyone will need medication to help manage symptoms.

Don’t give up. You got this.

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Thank you for being here and thank you for reading. A tip is never expected, but always appreciated. Have the best day you can, and I hope tomorrow is an even better day.