In the Eyes...

I know I’ve been saying for a long time that I will do something lifestyle based and so, I am doing a lifestyle blog about things that happen on a day-to-day basis. I will be talking about my experiences with various things, some things will come back over and over again because my days are very much similar. If something else happens then it happens. Hopefully, you and I can get along and I can go along and tell you a little bit of a story about this experience I’ve had and then we’re going to talk about it. I’m going to discuss my reaction and my thoughts on the experience afterwards. Not only am I thinking about getting a dialogue going, but I’m also looking to make friends with people who have probably had similar experiences to me. Not only that though, maybe we can have a bit of a laugh and rethink this shit - maybe our minds can be changed and enlightened together. Or, you can just be here to enjoy the story and listen to me ramble on. If you want to read this in my voice then I kind of sound like a cross between Freddie Mercury and Scar from the “Lion King”. So get the full ‘experience’ there. So immersive.

In the Eyes...

When I was younger, until the age of about twenty-two, I had been going to therapy for around ten years. I only stopped when I stopped going to university and since, I've pretty much been on a downward spiral of inconsistent nervous breakdowns and such. The reason I don't go anymore is because I thought about it: if I have been going to therapy for ten years and I don't really feel any better, then that must mean it isn't working, right? Wrong. Therapy isn't there to help you feel better, it is there to make you feel like whatever it is can be managed.

However, I never actually went back and there was another reason I never went back. It was because of a comment my therapist made about me that I didn't particularly process very well. It was a comment she made that actually at the time, made me really upset and well, I didn't feel like there was anything overtly wrong with the comment I couldn't say anything back because I couldn't see it myself. She said this, and I quote:

You've always got some angry sadness in your eyes that has never really gone away, haven't you?

She explained the quotation stating that the 'angry sadness' was always there in my eyes and that there is nothing that can make it go away unless I heal myself. She said it was permanent and that she had never not seen it in me every time I entered the room. Looking back on my previous records, I found that other therapists had referred to a similar thing. With one of them stating that there was 'just sadness' in my eyes, 'like a melancholy that haunts...' I personally never see it but everyone else seems to see it in me and I don't know whether it is a problem.

There isn’t really a moral to this story, instead it is a question. If you could ask someone what they can see in your eyes and they give you the reaction you didn’t want, what would your reaction be? I have been thinking about it for a long time because now, it has been said a number of times. That there is really no happiness in my eyes and if that is really the case over ten years, I can’t believe that there has ever been. Anyways, there isn’t really anything to worry about, is there? I guess knowing that there is sadness, anger and possibly melancholy buried in my eyes is making the emotions become more prominent, but the paranoia surrounds who can and who cannot recognise them. Can other people see it? Sometimes I feel like shutting my eyes entirely and never opening them again because I don’t want assumptions about me tainting the knowing of someone else, but is that possible in the day of identity and faces?