Why do I become more and more tired as the days go by?
When I get home from work, I want to lie down. I don’t want to do housework, I don’t want to take care of my children, and I feel tired even talking to my partner;
After finishing my busy work, when I stopped to rest, I couldn’t help but think about the N tasks to be dealt with next;
The flag I set last year fell again this year. Life consumes all my energy, and I have no time to do what I like.
It would be great if the 24 hours a day could be extended so that we could:
Do everything better.
Go and do whatever you want.
Seize the life you want.
But is this the case?
The truth is, you can even do nothing all day and still feel tired.
Because we often feel tired, it is not because there are too many things and insufficient time, but because we are exhausted inside.
Real tiredness is not physical fatigue but mental fatigue.
How we unconsciously expend energy.
We feel tired, even when we don't do anything, mainly because we are entangled. The main entanglement is the conflict between "want to do" and "should do."
We will find that our fatigue is not directly related to how much we have done that day.
Sometimes, I do nothing during the day, and even after lounging around at home all day, I still feel tired in the afternoon.
This feeling of tiredness often comes more from the psychological side, which people often call tiredness.
This kind of heart fatigue is caused by mental internal friction. The most common form of this internal friction is entanglement.
Tangle is a state of having two different mental directions, being indecisive and hesitant.
Sometimes, I want to go to the left, and sometimes I want to go to the right.
I wanted to leave this job, but I was afraid I couldn't afford to leave it.
Therefore, I feel irritable, absent-minded, and unwilling daily at work. I want to resign, but I dare not.
——The result is that the work is poorly done, and I am unhappy.
I wanted to have a good rest this weekend, but as I lay in bed, all I could think about was not doing this.
I don't care about the children; the house is messy, and many things await me. Tossing and turning, I blamed myself for not taking a break and being unable to get up.
——The result is that I didn't get a good rest or get anything done.
How about it? Does it sound like you are tired?
Obsession is such a highly energy-consuming psychological activity.
Because just swaying from side to side in mental activities is already very "fuel-consuming." As a result, the body remains motionless and unable to replenish the energy we consume with action and achievements.
Entanglement puts us in a state of high consumption and low output:
Like driving a car, you step on the brake and the accelerator.
The car didn't go far, but it consumed a lot of fuel.
Unable to integrate self and social identity.
At this time, we need to explore "why am I entangled" inwardly to break out of the past cycle and stop this entanglement.
Entanglement generally comes from the conflict between "want to do" and "should do," that is, the conflict between "self" and "identity"
There was a topic on the hot search before called #Young People's Revenge of Staying Up Late#.
The root motivation for this unhealthy behavior is:
I live in my identity role most of the day. In the dead of night, my social identity finally comes off work.
At this time, I felt as if my day had just begun, and I finally started to have some time for myself.
So even though I was very sleepy, I stayed up late, but I couldn't bear to sleep and wanted to stay with myself for a while, binge-watch TV shows, and play on my phone.
Although these things may not be what you want to do, and you may even feel a sense of loss or even guilt after doing them,
But the significance of psychological compensation is far greater than the happiness brought by doing these things themselves.
Use this method occasionally to relieve some stress.
From a positive perspective, this is people trying to resolve the conflict between "self" and "identity," extending my time and allocating it to the two.
But in the long run, this is a way to quench thirst by drinking poison, which will overdraw oneself to the naked eye.
Its core problem lies in an underlying belief:
I have no way of integrating my self and identity, and they are separate;
Therefore, it must take a period to complete.
As people grow, we enter more and more diverse identities.
When we first came into this world, we had only one identity: "child."
Then we will become "students," "classmates," "friends," "professionals," "wives," "mothers," "managers," "entrepreneurs," "partners"...
Human growth is a process of integrating multiple identities.
Learn to nourish yourself in all your identities.
The most fundamental way to solve this dilemma is:
By allowing self and identity to merge, I can nourish myself in all of my identities.
This matter starts from childhood.
In the stage of human growth, 0-3 years old is when self-awareness fully develops.
That is the stage of knowing what I like, don't like, want to do, and don't want to do.
After the age of 3, children enter the social environment. Starting from kindergarten, they develop the concept of "social standards."
For example, I cannot defecate anywhere and have to raise my hands when going to the toilet.
In elementary school, the scope of this standard requires even more:
You will be punished for speaking in class, and you must complete your homework by yourself, etc.
Suppose our self-development is very sound, and we do not encounter many obstacles during the 0-3-year-old stage. In that case, we will naturally continue to develop ourselves while developing social attributes.
That is, finding a balance between "what I want to do" and "what I am allowed to do."
The better the integration, the more unified and determined we will be.
Energy will also be aggregated and used efficiently, and the results will be more obvious.
When this integration is not completed well, identity and identity will be separated.
For example, when the identity of "mother" and the essence of "self" conflict, splits and internal friction will occur when the underlying needs and values confront each other.
For example, Little A's previous understanding of her mother was:
As a mother, you must care for your children and prioritize their needs.
And Little A also has another self-need:
Rest and recreation.
Then, the needs of "self" can only transfer part of the rights and time to the identity of "mother."
Over time, the "self" will naturally become unbalanced, and it will also cause dissatisfaction and anger towards objects related to the identity of the "mother," such as children or fathers.
But Little A has an excellent life value that can integrate these two identities. In that case, these two identities can be combined.
For example, this more excellent life value is "growth":
So, when a mother spends time with her children, she can grow by expanding her patience and acceptance. Resting and relaxing allow her to reserve physical strength for better growth.
Spending time with your children and resting are all serving the more excellent value of life, so there will be no sense of dedication or consumption but a sense of accomplishment, and you can even enjoy the process.
But even if many people understand the direction of self-integration, they still cannot achieve it.
Because their "self" needs have never been indeed expressed freely.
My aunt was the eldest daughter in the family. Life was hard at that time. She had six younger siblings. She never really had a childhood. She became a little adult early on, sharing the family's worries and caring for her younger siblings.
But when she gets older and has a better life, she will behave unreasonably in front of her adult children and other younger siblings or do some very childish and willful things.
At this time, you cannot ask her "self" to grow upward and become more mature because her "self" needs to go back to compensate for the lost childhood.
If parents interfere with their children's self-development prematurely, for example, around the age of 2, after the children have the concept of "my things," they will constantly ask the children: "Share a little of the cake with everyone."
If the child shows a protective reaction and is unwilling to share, he says: "What should I do now that I have been so stingy since I was a child?"
When a child has just started elementary school and has not yet fully adapted to the responsibilities and learning standards, various pressures are put on the child to force the child to complete social attributes as soon as possible. If the child shows some fear of difficulties or delays, the child will be blamed.
An education method like this pushes down children's self-development so that before individual attributes are developed, they jump directly to social features.
People who enter social attributes too early will slowly lose and forget their details.
When making all choices and decisions in future life, the first evaluation value will always stay at:
Whether it meets social attribute standards.
What do others think?
If I do this, will I be disliked?
I should do this; I shouldn't do this, etc.
But there is no way to evaluate:
Do I feel good?
What do I want to do?
Be involved in the choice and make a comprehensive and balanced choice.
Develop the ability to reflux and relax.
Self-awareness needs to evolve upward as we need to merge different identities;
A larger vision and deeper meaning of life is seen. Then, this higher meaning can unify the other disparate identities.
But the prerequisite for this is that each stage of "self" has been completed completely.
Without suppression and dislocation, the foundation of self-awareness can be built solidly, and higher meaning placed on it will not be false or false but will be accurate and withstand testing.
Otherwise, even if you learn a larger mission and vision, it will only be a slogan at most.
Just like those people who can't manage close relationships well but go around the world to volunteer and do charity daily, this is a more subtle form of self-deception.
When social attributes seriously cover self-development, our feelings about ourselves become increasingly dull and less confident.
In this case, it isn't easy to feel that one's self is nourished while doing things while satisfying one's identity.
Instead, he lives as a robot that fulfills responsibilities and completes affairs.
Always rushing from one thing to the next, even sleeping and resting feel like completing a task.
Sometimes, I don't know why I always schedule myself so completely, as if something terrible will happen if I stop.
Then, the whole person's life will become more and more tense and dry.
Yes, something terrible will happen if you stop because when social attributes stop rotating, you will feel the vast emptiness of insufficient development of individual features.
At this time, we need to develop two abilities:
One is the ability to reflow.
The second is the ability to relax.
What is reflow capability?
You are asked to do something that nourishes you the moment you do it.
Instead of waiting for a result, rely on that future result to make yourself happy and satisfied.
For example, many people work, and what can sustain them are holidays and paydays.
Of course, if you rely on this to support yourself, your working hours will be manageable.
Then some people are better. Their motivation comes from a project or the sense of accomplishment after completing something.
But if the results deviate significantly from expectations, or the project cycle is very long,
I have exhausted my psychological energy during the process, and there is no way to persist until the project comes to fruition.
Therefore, in the work process and at the moment of doing it, you can let what you are doing nourish yourself.
Returning energy to oneself is an essential ability.
Relaxing is the ability to let go of all responsibilities and functions completely, let yourself relax, and take a deep rest.
Relaxation is a skill that needs to be learned.
Just like learning a foreign language or the ability to learn yoga and swimming, you need to find a coach to learn and train yourself.
When relaxed, we are at our most robust learning and creativity levels. Many great ideas come to us when we are most relaxed.
Self-awareness can naturally grow upward when each stage of the self is satisfied and developed.
Our power is always there, but our hearts block it.
When we remove these obstacles step by step, we will no longer be entangled, internally consumed, and consumed by ourselves, and we will know how to relax and let ourselves be nourished.
We can quickly and freely switch between multiple identities and become the master of time.
Not only can you complete each identity to your satisfaction, but there are also many gaps where you can happily be yourself.
About the Creator
As a psychologist, psychological counselor writer, and master of clinical psychology, I am committed to using psychology to understand various classic phenomena of individuals, families, and society.