How Meditation Changed Me

I am what you would call a negative person. My daily life is a bit tough because I am usually in a negative headspace. I have lived this way for so long that it made sense for me that I would always be that way. Having things not go my way or maybe be a bit harder for me feels natural to me. If I’m being honest, living this way has only made me more negative and sadder. While I am surviving each day, I can’t say that am enjoying my life. Like anyone living in this modern world I have heard of meditation. I can’t negate the number of videos on social media platforms advocating for meditation and all the wonderful benefits it can offer.

Truth be told I never even tried to meditate before because I “knew” I would somehow mess it up. But now, I want to try it. I want to start enjoying every day of my life or at least take the edge out of my everyday fears. Struggling every day is just not acceptable for me anymore. The most horrible part is that no one knows or realizes that my life is a struggle because all the chaos is happening inside my head. For all these reasons I decided to finally meditate.

I decided to give myself a full week of meditation to decide if the hype was real or not. I started on the weekend since the work week is such a stressful time for me. There are a ton of guided meditation videos, and it was a bit overwhelming since it seemed like I needed to narrow down if I wanted a relaxing meditation versus a positivity meditation and so many others. I noticed in my head I was already thinking to myself that these videos were simply too long, and it might be a waste of time. This of course is my negative headspace. Saturday morning came and I sat with my laptop and hooked up my headphones to it so I could really zone out. I decided to start with a 30-minute meditation video. If I’m being honest, it was very hard to sit there and listen to someone tell me to relax but I told myself this was a challenge, and I must see it through. I even promised myself a small reward after doing it each day. Right after my first meditation I felt very relaxed. It was a different type of relaxation kind of like everything was a bit softer and slower. I enjoyed that feeling for a few hours while doing my Saturday errands.

Sunday morning, I decided to try a different meditation video, this time a positivity meditation. Positivity is a big thing in my life, mostly because I usually abandon it even at my happiest moments. This video was also 30 minutes and this time my mind kept running away from it. I started to think about the things I needed to do to get ready for the week. I tried my hardest to shut down my mind and focus on meditating. It was not easy and not as good as the day before, but I got it done. After the session I got up and started to do all the things on my list. But it wasn’t until the night-time that I realized that I did do everything I needed to do. Most Sundays I will somehow miss an errand and then go to bed angry at myself for that. But this Sunday I realized I did everything on my to-do list without hesitation everything felt easy and doable.

Monday to Friday was a workweek and like I said most workdays I am stressed out. Am I stressed out because I have an incredibly demanding job? No, my job is easy. But my mind will always find reasons to worry. However, this week I pushed myself to meditate each morning. Every day I would notice little changes in myself. Right after the meditation session I felt soft and relaxed. The rest of my day would somehow go smoother. I realized that my usual negative thoughts were nowhere to be found and since the thoughts were not there my mind seemed more at ease. I laughed more and felt lighter. How was meditation causing this change in me? Is it as simple as me programming myself like a computer each morning? At the end of the week, I realized that I had accomplished one goal during the challenge which was to take out the edge out of my life for the week that I meditated. I certainly did. Now, this is not a cure all. I still have negative thoughts, but meditation takes the edge out of them. It’s like I have some sort of security in me that tells me “Everything will be alright no matter what” After the challenge there have been days where I neglect my meditation and I and others around me certainly notice the difference in my personality and mood. So, I guess the hype is true. Mediation changed me in a way I’m still trying to figure out but ultimately appreciate more than anything. It made my life just a bit easier.