Hell According to Oliver

'I should have just rented a room or something... Bell wouldn't have found me that way...' Oliver could not help but wonder what he could've done to avoid this outcome. This outcome being his present situation, a patient resident in the Our Mother of Mercy mental institution. 'Why does she always have to but-in my business? Everything could've been over, but now, because of her, I have to live this... this hell...'

"Oliver. Time for your meds." The nurse came by pushing a wheeled tray filled with pills in small paper cups. They were all labeled to make it easier for nurses not to mix up which pill was for which resident. Oliver first tried resisting taking his pills since they made him feel groggy. He eventually stopped fighting the nurses and orderlies because of it. The feeling of grogginess was kind of like being in a haze. At times, it was a blissful haze. Some other times, though, it just felt like being trapped in his own skin.

Institutionalized life was monotonous. All things considered, calling it hell seemed like quite the stretch on Oliver's part. Although, he may have meant something else by "having to live this hell..."

First Month

It had already been two weeks since Oliver was placed in the mental institution. Isabella hadn't come to visit him. Even though he claimed not to want to see her, he would often think about his sister.

'Why is it she cares anyway? It's not like we're close or anything... She never needed my help growing up. She was always incredibly independent. Why does she always stick her nose in my business?' As Oliver wondered about his sister's tendency to be all up in his business, he sat in the common room, looking out the window. There was a garden outside, and all sorts of birds would fly by. Some of them even landed on the nearby trees and sang a little song before continuing their journey.

"There he is... it was him! He's the one that raped me!" A sixty-year-old resident told one of the orderlies while pointing her finger at Oliver. Since she had raised her voice so much, almost all the patients heard her. Oliver couldn't help but look in all directions around him just in case she was talking about someone else. She was dead serious. And, of course, Oliver's anxiety levels shot through the roof immediately.

"What the hell... I don't even know you! Is this some kind of a joke? Are you insane?" As he nervously said those words, the orderlies held her back and dragged her away since she started causing a commotion.

"This time it's true! It had to be him!" she shouted while kicking as she was being dragged away. "Just like all the last fifty times that someone else did it for real, huh? Settle down, Ethel..." one of the orderlies said while seemingly tired of her old, repetitive story. Seemingly, according to Ethel, all the residents of the mental institution had had their way with her. Oliver was only the latest one she accused. The sad part was that she had actually been raped in her early twenties. The tragic and inhumane experience broke her. She's been re-living it constantly since then, but since she seems to think that everyone's done that awful thing to her, everyone's only viewed her as a crazy person who belongs in a mental institution.

"Don't be bothered by that one. Even I've raped her, according to her. I mean... if she was like twenty years younger, I might even consider it. But I've always found grannies a bit disgusting." A young but mature woman just sat down at the table where Oliver was. While she spoke to him, she had a kind of crooked smirk on her face. While she was silent, though, she appeared to be bored out of her mind.

"I'm Julie, by the way. So, what's your story? What kind of crazy do you represent?" she asked as casually as anyone could. "I, uh..." Oliver stammered, seemingly intimidated by her forwardness.

"Don't sweat it, my guy. I won't judge you. If you knew why I'm here, I bet you'd judge me, though. But why don't we start with something easier... your name, for instance?" Oliver looked at her while he avoided eye contact at the same time. She seemed utterly relaxed and comfortable. Oliver, on the other hand, was uber-jittery. "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but... Why are you talking to me?"

In Oliver's eyes, a girl like that would never approach a guy like him. She was pretty, but being in a mental institution could only mean she was completely insane. That seemed like a frightening combination to Oliver, and he preferred to keep to himself while he waited for his incarceration to be over.

"So that's how you want to play it here? Suit yourself. Since you don't want to tell me your name, how about I give you one? I think Jitters would suit you perfectly..." Oliver frowned while he looked at her, a bit surprised at her boldness. "Don't call me that. Look, my name's Oliver, alright? Happy now?" "Too late, Jitters. Jitters is a much cooler name for you. Don't worry... You'll learn to love it." That last part, she said with that crooked smile of hers again. Oliver didn't continue protesting and just went with it. He appeared annoyed outwardly, but the truth is, having someone interested in talking to him wasn't all that bad.

Third Month

On Mondays and Fridays, Oliver had to meet with Doctor Martin Luke. He was the psychiatrist on call most days and the one Oliver tolerated most. Doctor Luke was never pushy. He always tried to make all the residents feel comfortable. He seemed to care about their well-being genuinely. On the other hand, when Doctor Luke was in a bind and couldn't make it, they were all stuck with Doctor Wanda Ludendorf. Everyone except for Ethel hated her. Ethel seemed relaxed only while she was in Doc. Ludendorf's office for her weekly consult.

There was also mandatory group therapy three days a week.

Oliver and Julie had become close in a short time. She never specified why she was in the mental institution, and he never got around to asking her, even though he was always curious.

One morning, Oliver got up, went to have breakfast a bit earlier than usual, and spent some extra time at the cafeteria after eating. Since Oliver had shown to be a creature of habit, Julie found it odd when she was in the cafeteria for breakfast that Oliver had already eaten and that he didn't sit at the usual table.

"Hey, Jitters. Why weren't you at our usual table? Penny threw up all over Mark. You missed quite a show," Julie casually mentioned as she sat across him. "Unlike you, I'm no fan of the type of spectacles we catch around here..." he replied uninterestingly while looking out the window and tapping his fingers on the table. "What is it? Come on, Jitters... You can talk to me. Spit it out and be done with it." Julie knew that there was something on his mind. She could guess what it was, but she seemed to enjoy pestering Oliver... in a good way, at least.

Oliver sighed loudly. "Knowing you, there's no way you'd drop it... I guess I have no choice but to tell you." "Alright then. Make it quick... we have group therapy with that bitch in thirty minutes..." "Don't let the orderlies hear you call her that... it'll be solitary confinement for you then..." "I'm not worried. I'd like to see them try to pull that crap with me. Don't change the subject, Jitters. Think I don't realize what you're doing?"

At that moment, Oliver got a genius idea. He couldn't help but smile as his plotting took form in his head. Julie realized it and became even more curious. "Alright, Julie. I'll tell you everything on one condition. You tell me why you're trapped in hell with the rest of us, and I'll let you know what's eating at me right now. How about it?" Julie looked surprised for a moment. For the first time, she didn't seem bored. "Alright. I'm game. I like this new side of you, Jitters. Taking charge like a real man. It's kinda hot." again, Julie had that crooked smirk on her face while saying this. "But it's gotta be after the bitch's torture session. It's not something I can tell you in five minutes." Oliver's eyes sparkled once he knew he was about to learn what had been a mystery for so long. "That's fine. Because of you, I'll be able to endure those two hours of torture with newfound strength!" he said with excitement.

Doctor Ludendorf was waiting for them in the special room they had for the group therapy sessions. The orderlies made sure that each resident got to their scheduled session on time. When Oliver was admitted, there were twenty-five patients receiving care as residents at the Our Mother of Mercy mental institution. By his third month there, there were only seventeen. Some were transferred to other institutions; a couple were discharged after being deemed ready to get back into the world. One of them died of a heart attack on the very first day Oliver got there.

It was now 10:00 AM and time for the first of three sessions that were held throughout the day (they divided all the patients into groups so they could participate in small groups for their therapy sessions, and, for the first time, Oliver and Julie got to be in the same session). Dr. Ludendorf began the session by choosing two people at random to introduce themselves and say whether or not they believed they were ready to return to their lives. Everyone hated that part of the session the most because Dr. Ludendorf would always interrupt everyone with embarrassing stories about the person and conclude that they were simply not ready.

"How about you go first, Miss Strauss?" Penny Strauss was admitted with Chronic depression issues. She was never caught trying to end her life but threatened to do it several times. Her parents didn't know how to help her, so they committed her to a mental institution, hoping she could get the help she needed. "Why me?" Penny asked nervously. "You know the drill, Miss Strauss. If you're unwilling to participate, it just shows me that you're getting worse instead of improving. I will have no choice but to up your meds and tighten the leash. Is that what you want?" she said in a menacing tone.

"Well, I wish I were ready to get my life back. I really do. But I wonder what's the point of that. Before I came here, I was a Harvard alumnus who couldn't manage to get a real job. Did I spend all those sleepless nights getting through law school only to take orders at a McDonald's? It's not fair! The world is unfair! And honestly, I don't see a reason to go back to it..."

After Penny's brief words, Dr. Ludendorf asked if anyone wanted to comment on what she just expressed. David Orwell decided to speak his mind. He never really got a diagnosis. He was there simply because there didn't seem to be a place for him anywhere else. "I totally get it, Penny. This country is owned by a small group of asshole elites who think they own the world. If you want a slice of the pie, you have to be just like them so they'll let you in the circle. Screw them! If I were you, I wouldn't let them win by cowering in fear away from everything. I'd drop in unannounced, make sure to cut the power to their smart homes, and sit down to have a heart-to-heart..." David seemed like he was getting riled up while he was talking, and Dr. Ludendorf interrupted him, "That's enough, Mr. Orwell. Miss Strauss... I do agree with him on one note, though. Running away from society isn't the answer. If you believe that giving up is your best option, you will likely never get to live a normal life again."

"Now, I want to hear from you, Mr. Keen. Do you feel the same as Miss Strauss here?" Oliver hoped to get through the session without saying a word. However, not participating was never an option with Dr. Ludendorf. Especially since the group therapy sessions were as small as five patients per session. "Well, uh... I feel like I have made progress while here..." he said, stammering a bit. "In what way do you think you've made progress? Elaborate." She pressed him to continue. Oliver seemed to have difficulty coming up with examples of what he had just said until he looked at July, who was looking at him with curiosity. "Well... It's been hard for me to get close to other people for a long time... make friends, you know? But since I've been here, I think I've become more open to connecting with people." Dr. Ludendorf seemed pleased to hear him say that. "I have heard as much. Particularly about your friendship with Miss Guthrie, isn't that right?" She looked at Julie as she mentioned that. Julie seemed annoyed at that point. "So what? Are you spying on us now?" Julie retorted as if she felt threatened by the doctor's words. "Don't take this the wrong way... It is important for your doctors to be aware of every aspect of your lives here. It shouldn't be a surprise to know that you're being monitored. And I must say, being open to connecting with other people is a nice step forward, Mr. Keen. Hopefully, all of you feel the same way and follow this good example."

The session continued until the two hours were completed. Julie seemed unnecessarily hostile during the session, and Oliver didn't feel as inconvenienced as he thought he would. Once the session was over, they were allowed one hour outside where the garden was. Some liked playing sports during their out time, while others enjoyed contemplating nature and having a relaxing chat. Oliver came up to Julie, and her demeanor was very different from earlier before the session.

"Ready to reveal the great mystery?" Oliver asked while also being concerned about the sudden change in her demeanor. Since she didn't say anything in reply, he asked her something else. "Julie... are you OK?" "Am I OK? You think I'd be in this stupid madhouse if I were OK?" she said aggressively. "Hey, I know, it sucks to be in a place like this. This isn't my first time in one, you know? Several years back, I was committed as well. And I hated it. I was expecting to hate it again this time around. And I do... but honestly, it's not the hell I had made it out to be." "You have no idea what it's like for me... Maybe things are looking up for you, but I've been here for five freakin years now... and I'm still plagued by the same demons that tormented me from the very beginning." Julie got emotional at this point. They were both standing in front of a large oak tree. Oliver felt like he needed to do or say something to comfort her. But he concluded it was best to just let her talk.

"My stepfather was a real asshole. I have a little sister. I would often find her crying in her room when I got back from work. My mom would be passed out on the couch from drinking. But I hardly ever would see him at home. I think he was some lowlife drug dealer or something. But whenever he did come home, my sister was so afraid of him. One day, I got her to confirm my suspicions. The piece of shit was making her do things... Damn... just thinking about that makes my blood boil! I couldn't ask my mom to deal with him, so I decided to confront him myself. When I did, he tried to have his way with me, and I didn't let him. I've always loved knives, so when I knew the kind of monster he was, I always had my knife with me. I slit his throat and let him bleed out on the kitchen floor. But after that, I thought that he had gotten up and was about to hit me with an empty beer bottle. I was so scared because I was sure I had killed him. So I stabbed him in the heart. Just to be sure that he wouldn't get up again, I stabbed him over and over again. I don't know how many times. But when I looked away from his bloodied body, cops were blazing in, disarmed me, and cuffed me on the ground. They said I killed them, but I didn't... how could I kill them? I killed him! The police later interrogated me, asking me all these questions about why I hated my family and why I would want to hurt them. They said that I killed my mother and little sister. My mom's throat was slit, and my little sister had eighteen stab wounds all over her body. I don't understand how that happened... they never found my stepfather. I thought that he was the one who did it... but they said that the murder weapon only had my prints on it, and it was my knife. My state-appointed lawyer had me plead insanity so I wouldn't spend the rest of my life in jail. Instead, I get to live here in this place that's not so bad... with that piece of shit still taunting me every God-forsaken day... hearing my little sister cry... seeing my mom's lifeless body everywhere..."

Oliver was baffled. Julie got all teared up. At that point, he understood why she seemed so uninterested and gazing away while she talked with him at times. Oliver didn't say a word for a while as July shed one tear after another. "See? I told you you'd judge me if you knew why I was in here..." she blurted, sobbing. Oliver embraced her, just trying to give her comfort. "I'm sorry you've had to go through all that, Julie. I thought I was trapped in hell... I now realize that I have it easy here. But I'm here for you, alright? You're gonna get through this!"

"Don't think I forgot about the other thing! It's your turn now. Spill the beans, Jitters!" she said while wiping the tears off her cheeks. "Wow, even now, I'm still Jitters?" "You'll always be Jitters, Jitters. Don't start complaining this late in the game." Oliver smiled at her, and she smiled back. "After hearing your story, my issues seem like nothing." "Don't worry about that. I still want to know. Besides, we have a deal, remember?" "You're right... the truth is... I was just worried. I've tried to kill myself twice already. The first time, I just felt like life was an imposition I never asked for. Why do I have to be here? Who decided that I should be here? For what? I didn't have a say in it. And everything sucked in my life at that point. On my last attempt, I had found a reason to live. I was, for the first time, excited about the future. I met this girl... she truly saw me. We were a great team. But like everything else in my life, I screwed it up. I hated myself so much that I didn't want to draw breath any longer. On both occasions, my little sister, Bel, came in to save me. I say little sister, but she's all grown up now. She's a surgeon. We're not really that close, but I still don't get why she always shows up at times like those. I would have been happy to die and be done with it all, yet here I am. Could it be that there is a reason for me to be here? You know, here on this earth. Is there something that I'm supposed to do? Accomplish? It boggles my mind! And I know that compared to your issues..." "Stop right there, Jitters. Don't ever do that. Don't compare our demons. What's the point of that? My life sucks. Yours sucks. That's all there is to it. I will never say that what I have to live with is worse than your issues. I can't possibly know what it's like for you, just like you can't possibly understand what it's like for me." Oliver was surprised at how serious she was as she said those words. "Fair enough," he replied. They kept talking by that oak tree until the hour was gone, and they had to head back inside. At that point, Oliver and Julie had gotten even closer.

To be concluded...