Having a Rough Time

I just needed to vent on here. I am hoping that this post can help someone or they can at least relate. Recently my panic and anxiety has come back with a vengance. I feel greatful to atleast know this is what is going on with my body, but it doesnt make things any less scary. Or frustrating for that matter. I know healing isn't liner, and I am trying to accept my bad days but its so hard to do sometimes. I am on vacation from work, even though its really just a staycation. Being away from work has helped a little bit, but not as much as I had hoped.

I have racked my brain trying to figure out what could be wrong or what is causing it and I've come up with nothing. I'm just so tired of going through these cycles, sometimes it just feels like a constant uphill battle that I am just never going to win. While I do have friends and family that I can reach out too I just have a hard time doing so these days. I feel like such a burden with these cycles, and I don't want to put that on them anymore. I know thats not the right thing to do, but I know whats happening too me and I know they don't always know what to do to help me.

I have been feeling quite alone recently. Mostly just trying to figure out what I am doing with my life. I know that I don't have to have it all figure out right now, but I am just feeling lost. With all my friends and family busy with their lives its really made me focus and reflect on my own. Its made me realize at how much of a stand still I am in my life. As thankful as I am for my job, I am bored there. I've been there for over 12 years and just don't even know how I would start over. I want to do the things I am passionate about, which I am realzing will have to be my hobbies for now. I used to be really good at being alone, and doing activities alone, but recently I don't have any motivation too. Some of that has to do with money, which now that I think about it that could be a cause for some of this. Being an adult is over rated, I want to go back to being a kid!

Sometimes I just feel that this is all my life will be now, even though I know that it has to get better eventually. I see the light at the end of the tunnel but I feel the closer that I get to it something happens and it rips me back. I guess I just wish there were longer periods of time were I had good weeks/days. At times I wish that I never had to edure things such as anxiety and depression, but then I tell myself that I must be going through this for a reason.

I am already starting to feel better just getting all these thoughts out, which I usually do in a personal journal, but something told me I should put it on my blog instead. Whats so crazy is I used to make Youtube videos about my anxiety, that I have since took down because they are a mess. But I feel more vulnurable writing about my anxiety than I ever did filming. Maybe it's because I write more of how I feel, when I am on camera I just tell what I went through with minmal details. I've always had an easier time expressing myself though writing.I hope you are all doing well and just know you're not alone. Well thanks for listening, I am sure I will have more rants like these in the future :)