Ghost of Me

The Secret Diary of a Spiritual Vagabond

08.22.2022 3:13am

Dearest Diary,

My only friend.

Something happened yesterday that left me feeling like a ghost.

I felt so out of touch with reality and physically unwell. I was in agonizing pain. I felt discomfort in every part of me that I could feel. I was cold. I had never felt so cold. I was scared. For a moment I felt hopeless. I couldn’t bear it any longer.

Finally, after some desperate cries to my ancestors, the pain finally passed and I slept. When I awoke, I was numb to my thoughts, but I was mentally alert and feeling like I could yet again, regain my footing, eventually. I felt like I had been misplaced. Or displaced from my current experience. I actually felt like I was closer to the spirt world.

I thought that experience was rough. And it was.

Then something happened today… that left me feeling like I am utterly and totally alone in this world.

A lonely ghost

A lonely living ghost.

A lonely ghost wandering around with no where to find comfort.

What do you do with that unsettling, miserable feeling?

Where do you turn?

How do you cope?

Who do you talk to when you have no one?

When the only people around are untrustworthy or self-serving? Why would I even begin to open up to the same people that have repeatedly betrayed, belittled, and backstabbed me?

I wouldn’t.

So, I sit in silence.

I have been sitting in silence off and on for almost a year.

The silence has become more frequent.

The betrayals more painful.

So, I sit in silence.

I continue to sit and ponder and heal in silence.

For awhile now, I have been distancing myself from toxic situations. Recently, I have had to do this in situations that I never thought would ever reach that level of dysfunction.

It hurt my heart. It shook my soul. And left me in a deep state of confusion, and in a bit of a spiritual crisis.

Now, this is not the first time that I have found myself in a type of existential crisis. The first was a shock to the system. The second, third, and fourth were par for the course. Not fun by any means, but ultimately beneficial after periods of growth. The last few shocks to the system have felt like a wrecking ball. Each time I dust off and rebuild. I mean, it isn’t exactly easy. Especially with no one to talk to and absolutely no support of any kind. It’s rough to navigate, to say the least. I guess this is the point where I should acknowledge (at least to myself) how far I have come. I should stop and look around and appreciate how much I have learned and grown (I am grateful), but I am tired. I am so tired of rebuilding and repairing damage that I am not causing.

Wow. Now isn’t that depressing?

It is.

Yeah, it is. I know. I have found myself in despair at times.

Each time, I reached for something to have faith in. A sense of hope. A sense of community or comfort, or even a sense of not being so alone in my grief.

At times, this has provided temporary relief.

Keyword: Temporary.

Ultimately, I had to find peace in the silence. Peace with myself. Peace with who I am and who I am no longer.

Fast forward to this moment.

The silence is not bringing me peace or respite.

The silence is loud.

The silence is hollow.

The silence is haunted.

Like my ghost.

Where do you turn when you have nowhere to turn?

For several years now, I have been on a spiritual quest of sorts. I have done a lot of reflection into past situations, and I have processed grief and trauma and lots of painful memories.

I have found faith in unconventional ways. I found ways to reach into the silence and pull out a sliver of hope. To continue on and rebuild my own strength.

Why is this time so much worse?

I don’t remember ever feeling this hopeless and at such a loss and disadvantage.

The silence is haunted.

My voice will help me find peace.

To be continued…