Feeling embarrassed

Imagine standing in your kitchen hiding behind a wall. Why? Well to avoid your delivery driver who is dropping off your groceries. You know they can’t see you through the window in your living room, but yet you still stay hidden in your kitchen. An extra wall for protection. You don’t understand why you don’t want to see them or why it makes you feel so anxious.

The thought of them seeing you makes you feel a sort of embarrassment and dread. It is not that you are not decent. You’re fully dressed, but them seeing you makes you want to hide and avoid them. To avoid eye contact. To avoid the conversation. “Hi, I have your delivery.” Thoughts fill your head of what they must be thinking as they unload your groceries. “How can someone be so lazy they can’t go pick up their groceries?” These thoughts of course are just parts of your imagination. The driver isn’t thinking that they’re just working.

Trying to make their money to support themselves without having a boss hanging over their shoulder. You know this, but the thoughts remain and you still hide. Peeking around the corner every few minutes to see if they have finished and left yet. Are you wondering why I have you imagining this yet? Well, this is exactly what I did today. I hid in my kitchen. I hid from being seen because I didn’t want to feel embarrassed.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Samantha. I suffer from depression, anxiety, CPTSD, and borderline personality disorder. If you do not know what these are I suggest you google them, although, I can assume the majority of the population will know what they are. What you may not know though is with a mass majority of mental illnesses the sufferer feels embarrassed constantly by their illness. Can you imagine that? The feeling of being embarrassed constantly just because of the way your brain works. It is not something usually brought to the light concerning mental illnesses because everyone focuses on the main aspects. With any illness though, there can be a form of embarrassment. Our society has made it where it is “odd” to be different. This is a big problem. Why those who suffer from unseen illnesses feel embarrassed and try to hide from everyone. If you reach out for help you’re called an attention seeker, a faker. Told to “just move on” or “you’re fine that’s never going to happen.”

The mass majority of society does not understand what it’s like to be a prisoner of your mind. To always feel like you are in fight or flight mode. The stress that comes with it can be debilitating at times. I find myself constantly fighting my subconscious on so many different levels to just try and live a “normal” life. I know that if I don’t try then how will society accept me? When I go out to the stores I’m always looking around. Not at the shelves or what to buy, but the people around me. Are they watching me? Do they think I look weird? Am I too fat? I start to feel panicky and I want to leave. To go back to my house where I’m comforted behind my walls. My sanctuary where I’m only judged by myself.

I have never really thought about the feeling of embarrassment and how it coincides with my mental health until recently. I realized that it is embarrassing to have a mental illness. Everyone looks at you differently. They judge you. Even the ones closest to you will. You try to hide your symptoms from everyone like a sore thumb that has gotten infected. You don’t want anyone to see you for who you truly are because they do not understand you or what you go through. It is living an embarrassment every single day, constantly.

The moments when I have hit a mental health crisis and I knew I needed help the first thought has always been “what will they think about me?” Why? Why is this the first thought someone who is at the end of their rope is thinking? Two words come to mind, our society. There is a movement slowly happening though. Many do not know about it, but it’s happening. Those who do know are more than likely those who suffer from a mental illness or who have lost someone to a mental illness. Did you know they are making a national number for the suicide prevention hotline just like 911? Slowly our society is starting to see those who are suffering and reaching out a hand to help. Something that should have been done long ago.

I hope to one day be able to find peace within myself to not feel like I should hide who I truly am, but that all comes with time. It’s hard to feel like you’re accepted even when those closest to you do not accept you for who you are. In writing this though I hope it brings some light to the fact that those of us who do suffer from mental illness want to be heard and seen for who we truly are.

Do not put bows on us and try to pretend we are not different. We just want to be accepted for every single beautiful imperfection we may have. Show us compassion. Show us, love. Show us we matter and we belong in this society. That we should not be embarrassed for the thoughts and feelings we have. That they are valid. That we matter and we are loved.