To live again

“Come on Joanne! When is the last time you’ve gone out and had a fun night? You’re not going to live forever you know.” My friend Christy could be pushy at times especially when it came to my social life. “It’s been a while Christy, but I am ok with that. I’m okay being a little hermit and staying in.” Christy was trying to convince me to let her set me up on a date with one of her friends. “You have not been out in forever Joanne. You deserve it!” The last time I went out on a date was with my husband. I didn’t feel right about dating after losing Josh.

It has been five years now though. Maybe Christy was right. “You know how I feel about this Christy. I’m not sure if I am ready to open my heart up again.” She turned her head away from me to break eye contact. I know she didn't want me to see the pain in her eyes. The sympathy she held for me. I took a sip of my chai latte. “I have to go now, Christy. I’ll message you later. I need to get home.” Her face said it all. She was disappointed in me changing the subject and running away from the conversation again. We hugged and I grabbed my bag and walked out of the coffee shop.

It was a beautiful day out. Spring had finally come, and the warm bright sun was touching every blade of grass and newly sprouted flower. Just seeing the beauty in nature automatically helped to calm my nerves. I continued to walk home and thought about if I should give Christy’s friend a try. What could it hurt? I put my key into the lock and unlocked my apartment door. The smells of home flooded my senses and put a smile on my face. I closed the door behind me just as Pepper came up and started to meow. “Hey, there Pepper! You’re hungry, aren’t you? Let’s get you some food!”

I adopted Pepper after Josh passed away. He became my closest companion and helped me work through my grief. Josh and I had been married for three years. He was everything I looked for in a spouse. He loved his family and he wanted us to build a home and family together. Josh was always ready for adventure and helped me get out of my everyday routine to enjoy life. It made me love him even more. He loved his motorcycle and once told me “It's the most freeing experience.” Every time he turned it on, and the sound of the motor would rumble his face would light up. I always imagined that would be the same face he would have as we welcomed our firstborn child into the world.

One summer afternoon he was out for a ride. A car ran a red light and hit him. He died at the scene. I never got to tell him goodbye. Never got the chance to tell him how much I loved him and how big of an impact he had on my life. I was at a loss for days afterward. I wouldn’t eat. Every time I tried to sleep, I just saw him on his motorcycle and would wake myself screaming out his name. After a few months, I saw Pepper online and fell in love with him instantly. I went and adopted him the same day. He brought happiness back into my life. Something I never thought I would feel again.

As I was sitting on my couch watching TV petting him, I started to think more about what Christy had said. She was right. I wasn’t getting any younger and maybe starting to date would bring some more happiness into my life. I could at least give it a shot. Worse case I just go back to living like a hermit. Just Pepper and I with no worries in the world. I grabbed my phone and texted her. I told her I would give it a try. She called me immediately like she was just sitting in her house staring at her phone waiting for her voodoo to work. “I can’t believe it! You're going to have so much fun Joanne. He is such a great guy!” She was overwhelmed with joy and asked me if I was sure about it fifty times. Christy told me she would call him and let him know. She politely asked if she could give him my phone number which I replied that she could. She told me how happy she was that I was finally opening and wanting to live again as she hung up. The statement “live again” stung as it went into my ears. Was I ready to live again? I went to sleep that night repeating that question to myself.

I awoke to my alarm going off. The voices of the morning talk show host going on about the weather filling my ears. I rolled over and hit the off button. I stared at my ceiling for a moment contemplating what all I had to do for the day. I already just wanted to stay in bed and cuddle uptight with my blanket. I grabbed my phone. I had a message. I read it to myself out loud. “Hi Joanne, my name is Matt. Christy gave me your number. I would love to meet up with you tonight for dinner and a drink. Hope to hear from you!” My heart sank into my stomach. I felt queasy suddenly but also, I was smiling ear to ear. So many emotions were hitting me at once. I didn’t know what to do. Should I message him back? Should I just ignore it and pretend I never read it? Matt was an interesting name. I started playing scenarios inside my head of what he would look like. What he would sound like. How would he smell? Without even thinking I started to type. “Yes, I would love to meet up with you for dinner and some drinks!” I pushed send.

Suddenly, I ran to the bathroom to vomit. I was so nervous. I took a long warm shower and thought about so many different scenarios inside my head. Everything that could go wrong and everything that could go right. I got out of the shower and started to get dressed. Ding, ding! My text alert went off. Again, that uneasy stomach churn hit me like a ton of bricks. I hoped it wasn’t him but also at the same time I did. I ran to my phone almost falling on my clumsy feet. I picked the phone up and read the message. It was from him! “I can’t wait to meet you. How about tonight we meet at Monet’s on fifth around 6 pm?” There was that smile again. My face felt like it was about to rip into two. I quickly replied again without thinking “sounds great!”

I felt myself sink to the floor and I began to cry. I wasn’t crying out of sadness, but relief. I guess I was scared to put myself out on the line because of rejection, but someone wanted to meet me. The sad lonely widow. The day went by in a blur. I went and did the few errands I had to run with a nostalgic childlike pep in my step. I bought myself a new dress at a classy boutique. A black dress that went to my knees with a slit up the side. I wanted to feel sexy again. Nothing says I’m a powerful sexy woman like a little black dress.

I walked briskly home to put it on and look at myself in the mirror while in the comfort of my own surroundings. It was beautiful. I was beautiful. It had been so long since I could look in the mirror and feel that way about myself. I looked at my phone. It was 5 pm already. I finished my makeup and headed for the door. My stomach started to feel queasy again. I contemplated just canceling. I looked down and there was Pepper at my feet just looking up at me. I smiled and walked out the door.

I headed towards Monet’s which was just a short walk around the block. The air was crisp with a slight breeze. I arrived outside of the restaurant and looked at my phone. It was 6:20. I was late! I guess I walked more leisurely than I thought. I texted Matt that I was there. He replied that he was at the back table facing the waterfall. I thought about running. I was scared. I felt like I couldn’t move my feet. Somehow, I ended up inside the restaurant. I walked to the table enjoying the beauty of the decor. The pictures on the walls depicting vineyards and happy people made me feel at ease. I got closer to the back of the building and saw him. He was gorgeous!

He stood up and smiled at me. "Hi, Joanne! I'm Matt. It's so nice to finally meet you. Cristy has told me so much about you." I had to catch my breath for a second. He was tall and had a dark olive complexion. His physique was as though he could be on the front of a men’s workout magazine. His auburn eyes gleamed brightly in the setting sunlight coming through the glass windows. I finally was able to reply that it was great meeting him as well as I sat down. " I was a little worried you were not going to make it, but I went ahead and ordered you a glass of Merlot. I hope that's okay?" I smiled and thanked him. Christy must have told him that Merlot was my favorite kind of wine. “Merlot happens to be my favorite kind of wine.”

We spent the evening talking about our likes and dislikes. How life was for one another and what we hoped to achieve. I wanted the night to never end. The hours went by so quickly. It was like I had known him forever and we were just two old friends catching up. He talked with such ease. His voice was comforting and surrounded me like a warm blanket. The restaurant was about to close. I secretly was upset about this and hoped he could not tell. We both stood and walked outside. I thanked him for such a great evening. "Will I be seeing you again?" He asked me. "I would like that!" I replied. He hugged me. Feeling his body next to mine was exhilarating. My breathing became shallow as if I was about to fall into a slumber. I looked up into his eyes past his goatee. I leaned in and kissed him. His lips felt like cotton next to mine. Tingles shot across my body. We smiled at each other and said our goodbyes.

I started to walk back home feeling like a teenager again. Just before walking into my apartment building, I looked up to the sky and smiled. I felt reassured that Josh was looking down on me, happy that I was living life again. I spotted Pepper in my apartment window looking down at me. I giggled to myself. He must be hungry. Christy was right about me. I had given up, but now it was my time to be happy in life again. I would be sure to tell her that and about my wonderful night with Matt.

I guess sometimes you do need someone to give you a little push in life. I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face just thinking of the next time I would see Matt. Thinking of the night we had and the glasses of Merlot we shared together. I slept soundly for the first time in years with Pepper by my side.