Expiration Date

When I was a child I wanted to change the world. That sounds incredibly cliche, but genuinely ever since I was a child I have always wanted to change the world. There has always been something inside of me longing to make a difference and to be remembered for something important. I wanted to have my photo in the textbooks beside all of the greats. I wanted to be on tv, in magazines, anywhere you could think of. I wanted to be there. Then it all just stopped. When I started middle school, I was excited and hopeful that when I was older I would be someone.By the first month I started to become someone I didn’t like. The year I started middle school I started showing signs of mental health issues. I would go to the nurse often because I constantly felt like I was having a heart attack and that I was going to die. These were panic attacks but at the time they just felt like looming death. What made it even worse is that everyone around me told me that I was lying to get out of class or that I was being dramatic. I was told to calm down when I felt like my world was falling apart. That was the moment when my spark went away. I no longer cared about changing the future because I no longer planned to be apart of it. I was 12 the very first time I truly felt like life wasn’t worth living. At this point I didn’t think I would live past 18 years old. I was experiencing extreme depression and anxiety, along with ptsd from foster care and being abused as a child. I was also constantly bullied in school because I was extremely different. I was the weirdo and I didn’t understand why. I still don’t quite understand why. As middle school ended and high school started once again I was hopeful that things would be different. I thought maybe I could be different. It turned out that I was still the same weirdo from middle school that nobody liked. My mental illness was only getting worse and not a single doctor would take it seriously. Not a single doctor would listen to me. I felt so alone. Nobody understood me. Once again I was counting down the moments till I had enough courage to finally be done living. I always wished that I could experience the movie “It’s a wonderful life” I wanted to see what would happen if I died. I wanted to know if anyone would mourn me. I wanted to know if any of my bullies would suddenly feel sadness for me, or if any of the teachers would regret not listening to me. I would play different scenarios in my head where I would imagine different peoples reaction to my death. It wasn’t a very good coping skill, but it was extremely distracting. Two years into my highschool career I decided to move schools to see if that would help. It was one of the best decisions of my life. I was finally the weight and size I wanted to be, I met my future husband, I was finally in a place with my mental health that I felt stable. I finally started to have hope again that I might be able to live a long and happy life. I started actually planning my future this year for the first time in a long time. All my future goals were silly and Naive but at least they were there. This peace lasted a few years and then everything started to crumble. I decided that I wanted to go to college and get a theatre degree because I now had a will to live and a will to thrive again. I wanted to live my dreams. The moment college started everything begin to crumble at my feet. I started sleeping all day, I was skipping all of my classes and hanging out with horrible people. I only ended up going to college for a single semester and all of my hope for a future was officially gone However, on the bright side side my expiration date had been pushed forward because I was older than 18. At this point I didn’t think I would make it past 21. After I left college I decided to get a job. I started working at Hobby Lobby and actually quite enjoyed it. I was losing weight again, I was making friends, my mental health was starting to become stable again, but this job was only a seasonal one so it didn’t last very long. After I left Hobby Lobby I got a job at my very first call center. I would work at 4 more call centers after that one before I would swear off call canters entirely. I actually quite enjoyed my job. I was getting paid pretty well, I was still living with my parents so I didn’t have bills and I could spend my money however I wanted. In hindsight I wish I would have saved all my money, but when you are struggling with mental illness and have no idea when you are going to snap saving money seems pointless if you have no future to save for. This was actually the first year that I had officially decided that it was expiration date. I decided it was over. My mental pain was too painful and I couldn’t do it anymore. However, a faulty weapon and a brief moment of clarity extended it indefinitely. This was the first time I actually felt crazy. I’m not crazy but, I ended up in a mental institution and because of all the stigma around them I thought only crazy people end up in those. I was terrified and alone but for the first time in my entire life I felt like people were taking my mental illness seriously. I finally got the diagnosis that I had been waiting forever for. Bipolar Disorder. I was terrified when my doctor uttered those two words. I was filled with fear, confusion, hatred for my self, but the strongest emotion I was feeling was relief. For the first time ever I finally felt like I wasn’t being dramatic or lying. I could finally take the time I needed to heal. I was in there for a week and the entire time all I could think about was going back to work. my expiration date has constantly loomed in front of me. Even after my diagnosis I still didn’t think I would live past 21. The next few years were a blur. I was in and out of therapists and doctors trying to find something that worked. Some meds worked for a while but they would always stop working after a while. I was numb and every day felt like I was living a life that wasn’t mine. I felt unattached to my body. Before I knew it I was driving to Vegas for my 21st birthday with my parents. I did it I had made it. I still didn’t expect to make it till 25 but I was getting to celebrate a milestone and I got to live in that exact moment. My 21st birthday in Vegas actually scared me into wanting to live longer. I was in Vegas during the shooting that happened. It was absolutely horrible and this was actually the first time since my brief point of stability in highschool that I wanted to live. I ended up quitting the job I had because it was making my mental health worse and for few weeks I started planning my future again. This moment of Hope however was extremely short lived. I am now 25 years old. When I turned 23 years old, I finally started to have hope again and my expiration date has been blank in my brain for the last 2 years. I am still nowhere near stable, but I married my highschool sweetheart. I finally have a job I enjoy and I can finally picture a future that has me in it. It is also a lot less vague than before. Finally being able to see yourself in the future is the best feeling for someone who has always lived in the moment. The future is extremely overwhelming and scary because I didn’t save money for it, I didn’t expect it to come. I never figured out the career I wanted because I didn’t expect to need one. Finally deciding that you want to see yourself in the future is stressful by itself but even more so when you do so in the beginning of a pandemic, Planning your future when the world is falling apart feels extremely naive and maybe a little bit too hopeful. I am also trying to lose weight to be healthier but I have developed an eating disorder and that makes it a million times harder. I am trying not to be so hard on myself but when I see all these people my age or younger having careers and having babies it makes me feel like I am way off track of where I need to be. Sometimes I need to take a deep breath and realize that younger me would be celebrating that we are still here. I have overcome a lot and i’m still constantly drowning in mental instability. I need to look at myself with the gentle perspective of my younger self, I need to take a step back and just be happy to be here.

Im happy to be here. I want to change the world, I will change the world