Being Me

I expect great things from myself. However, I feel like I have failed at nearly everything I have attempted. I am meant for greatness. I know how cliche that sounds but it is true. I am not meant to just sit in some office or taking phone calls for some company that doesn’t care about me. I want to change the world. I want to make a difference! I wake up every single day and think about how I can possibly become who I am supposed to be before I am too old. I am 24 years old and I feel like I am quickly losing time to be who I want to be. There are so many things that I want to do in life and I haven’t accomplished a single one of them! Or so I thought. I have many dreams that I am extremely passionate about and they all feel so far away. My first dream is to be a famous photographer. I dream about being a famous author, I dream about being a social media influencer and a mental health advocate. Having so many big ambitions quickly becomes extremely overwhelming to the point that it’s hard for me to even attempt any of them, especially with my adhd I don’t even know where to begin! No matter how many videos I make, stories I write, or pictures I take I feel like I am not making headway with any of it. Some days I feel like I am destined to be like Vincent Van Gogh, only appreciated once I am gone from this earth. This thought haunts me often and even though it sounds horrific it honestly brings me peace knowing that even if I am never appreciated while alive my light might live on and my passion and art might outlive me. My absolute biggest dream is to change the world in some way which I think I have. Maybe not in the huge way I had always imagined, but in a bunch of small ways. I will continue to push myself to follow my dreams and to be the person I know I am meant to be but sometimes I need to remember to look at all the small accomplishments along the way and realize that maybe I haven’t failed as many times as I thought I had. Maybe I have accomplished more in life than I think and maybe just maybe I will be who I want to be long before I am gone. Maybe there is someone out there who is my biggest fan and I don’t even know it. Maybe I am doing better than I think. It is possible that I am being too hard on my self, but I see all of the people I went to school with accomplishing so many things in their life and I feel so far behind. I am not going to quit trying and fighting to be the person I know I can be, but sometimes I just want to give in and be who society wants me to be. Society wants me to be invisible, it wants be to be compliant and it doesn’t want me to question anything. That’s just not who I am. Some day I will be who I want to be and maybe that someday is closer than I think. Maybe I have already began to become the person I was meant to be and I just haven’t realized it yet. Maybe I will accomplish everything that I want to accomplish. All I know is that I will never stop working hard on becoming the person I know I can be. I will wake up every single day with a plan of action on how I am going to get further in my plans. Sometimes I forget to just enjoy the moment because I am too distracted by the future and how I want it to be. Maybe enjoying the moment will help me become who I want to be. How do I find the fine line between looking too far into the future and just enjoying the moment? How can I do both? How can I enjoy the moment when all I can think about is that I am no where near where I want to be in life? Maybe I need to stop for a moment, take a breath and realize that living in that moment and doing what I love today will help me become who I want to be. Life is just so vast and so stressful, knowing I will never have enough time on this earth to accomplish everything I want. Hopefully one day I can look in the mirror and see the person I have anyways wanted to be, but today I think I’m just going to look in the mirror and love who I am.