Don't give up.

by TBIRRA 3 months ago in recovery

You still have friends.

When I was younger than 16, I had already started suffering from my first eating disorder. Anorexia.

I still remember it now, bread and butter, salad cream. The air smelt stale, the two shreddies that I had eaten before school, that my art teacher deemed 'enough' to carry on.

The aching bones as I struggled to climb the stairs, the carpet rough, we had not yet replaced it with a much better and softer one as we would eventually in the coming years.

The bread was stale, bread rolls to be exact.

The entire picture seems bleak,grey, bland,beige, colourless, devoid of life, devoid of any sort of flavour or spice. There was nothing there.

And I hadn't even figured that I had a proper problem yet.

Working out to exercise DVD's that I had procured in the pound shop, sweating, in an unmasked rivalry of the Stepford wives, the dreary day to day life of someone who was obsessed with trying to be the best that they could.

by completely and utterly destroying themselves.

And I was already skinny back then, but I resented my 'pot belly' that many skinny people I have seen or heard of, complain about.

'Skinny fat they can call it'

And amongst all of this, my poor poor mother had to watch it. She had to watch it happen, and now that I have a bit of a better understanding of the emotional trauma that others that are close to you might have to go through, in b watching you waste yourself away, well that's pain. True pain.

I think,nay I truly believe that I have broken my mums heart many a time, but there was one particular time that I remember most of all, in which she saved mine.

Now don't get me wrong she does this on a daily basis, but I remember the slightness of life and the air around me, stifling yet heavy, weighing me down on the scales surely.

I remember being ready to give up. And I was far far too young to give up back then. I had not yet lived and loved and learnt. Had not yest experienced all that I needed too.

And one day she passed me a note, a handwritten letter and a CD, right before she went out with my dad I do believe.

She told me to listen to it, to the words, to the meaning behind it.

And I did.

Dear God I did.

And it saved my life.

'In this proud land we grew up strong

We were wanted all along.' - Me and my family,we grew up here in this town, and I was wanted even when I believed that I wasn't.

I was taught to fight, taught to win - I heard, don't give up.

I never thought I could fail - I was young, cocky yet sensitive, but I never thought that I would be this beaten down and full of sorrow.

No fight left or so it seems - The emptiness that only a heady mixture of depression, anxiety and starvation can bring.

I am a man whose dreams have all deserted - Where was I going? Did I want to accept or even reach my dreams. Did I even have any any more? Did I ever? Was I ready to give them up if I did?

I've changed my name, I've changed my face - I'm shrinking, I'm trying to be someone different, but it will never be enough.

But no one wants you when you lose - When I am a wreck, who will want me then? That's the thought that plagued my head Because I don't feel like anyone would want me now.

Don't give up

'Cause you have friends

Don't give up

You're not beaten yet

Don't give up

I know you can make it good

Though I saw it all around

Never thought I could be affected

Thought that we'd be the last to go

It is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home

The place that I was born, on the lakeside

As daylight broke, I saw the earth

The trees had burned down to the ground

Don't give up

You still have us

Don't give up

We don't need much of anything

Don't give up

'Cause somewhere there's a place

Where we belong

Rest your head

You worry too much

It's going to be alright

When times get rough

You can fall back on us

Don't give up

Please don't give up

'Got to walk out of here

I can't take anymore

Going to stand on that bridge

Keep my eyes down below

Whatever may come

And whatever may go

That river's flowing

That river's flowing

Moved on to another town

Tried hard to settle down

For every job, so many men

So many men no-one needs

Don't give up

'Cause you have friends

Don't give up

You're not the only one

Don't give up

No reason to be ashamed

Don't give up

You still have us

Don't give up now

We're proud of who you are

Don't give up

You know it's never been easy

Don't give up

'Cause I believe there's a place

There's a place where we belong

Now to this day, there are still some times that's I will listen to that song,in fact I recently learnt how to play it on guitar.

And to this day, I still remember the feelings of comfort and love, a bittersweet sadness and love combination that I felt as I was given that CD and ready that later and listened to that song, to the lyrics and such.

I finally saw colours again,and it was pink.

So

Thank you Mum.

I know that there is a song out there somewhere now, that will probably save my life many a time.

Even now as I fall in to relapse, bubblegum pink candyfloss, soaking away sweetly in the water,in the river,in the bath filled with bubbles of champagne.

Even now, I know that the memory of the pink shall remain and that shall keep me grounded when all else doesn't.

But only when it is combined, teamed up with you.

Like anti depressants and therapy.

I need you.

And I guess that the moral of the story is, not even that I need that song.

But that I need my mum.

So once again mum, thank you. And don't give up.

recovery
TBIRRA
TBIRRA
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
TBIRRA

I am a Musician and artist currently in recovery for an eating disorder.

Many topics may contain trigger warnings.

Cats = Beauty and comfort.

My mum is the best person ever. Fight me on it bitch.

See all posts by TBIRRA