Discovering Who You Are When Everything Else Falls Apart

There is something about starting out in this life as a happy-go-lucky person. That’s because when something particularly awful happens to you for the first time, it feels as though the universe especially noticed you. Deciding to put a target on your back, with its arrow predisposed to shoot for its own entertainment when it felt like it. It seems like it noticed how joyous you were and just can’t let that be. No, we have got to do something about this, it must have said.

It was a Sunday night, fresh out of graduating high school with nothing but a small piece of paper to present your notable achievements for the past four years. I drop my hand out the car's window, the crisp wind so tangible its invisible stroke intertwines my fingers. The speakers waver against the thin carpeted floorboard, a tune we've heard countless times somehow compliments our unmelodious voices, and the warmth edging up my chest informs me that I am filled with this familiar feeling. I was happy. This was an important memory. Why? The person in that car was someone who was unacquainted with the flood of emotions I would later succumb to; guilt, grief, sadness, and anger. A girl who had no idea.

My friend hands me what I thought at first was a cigarette, but by the time it was placed between my fingers and its stench hit my nose, I knew better. “All you do is take a deep breathe. Hold in your chest, then breathe out.” A crowd of young faces illuminate against the small flame from the lighter.

“This isn’t something that could, I don’t know, really mess me up right?”

Everyone breaks into laughter. “You’re acting like this is some hard drug. Of course not.” They laugh as if it were a ridiculous question. I sink into the seat of the park bench and place it to my mouth. Inhale. Exhale.

I feel like many of us take our life for granted. Those who were lucky enough, were born with an entirely healthy body and mind. We don't appreciate that until it's taken away from us. I started to smoke every single day after that night. Back then, I felt secure in who I was. Simplicity was my friend and treachery did not consume my life yet. It only dipped its finger every now and then.

I thought I knew who I was. In fact, I was sure. That’s how human beings are- we tell ourselves who we are in order to feel content on the inside. At least, that was what I needed. I was the empathetic friend, the lovable daughter, the peacemaker, the kind stranger, and the happiest in any room I walked into.

You don't really know how you will react to certain moments in your life. One may think they know who they are when everything has only ever gone right for you. But you don't know the cruelty of life's bullet and your bona fide fragility until it hits you. I came to learn that addiction sneaks up on a person. The way I leaned into that smoke-filled haze was a poison that disguised itself as a remedy for the whirlwind that my life had quickly become. My priorities adjusted, suddenly planning my days around my next 'hangout' at the park. My chest became tighter, my thoughts became convoluted, my joy dissipated, and I didn't feel like myself anymore. Suddenly, my laughter was only reserved for those odd hours at night. I was a prisoner in my own consolation, but did not realize it yet.

There's only so much your mind and body can take before it surrenders itself. I gave up the joy for the simple things in my life that used to make me happiest, all for that next hit. But here I was a year later, no longer finding joy in that either. That's the moment when everything I tried to ignore came to the forefront. Every moment I spent pushing away my mother who did nothing but love me, ignore my real friends who kept asking me if I was alright, and barely paying attention to my studies because I lost my motivation to.

You may think you can take the easy way out, but that never works. At some point, you pay the price. One can only suppress their thoughts and emotions for so long. Better out than in, is a saying that I finally understood. It felt like I was facing an open door, with one foot in that was exposing reality, and another behind me stuck in the comfort of the past, refusing to budge. It felt like I was in-prisoned behind a one-way mirror, with the version of myself that I missed being on the other side. She raises her hand and wiggles her fingers at me, with a vacant grin spread across her face. I just wanted to be me again. Little did I know, that my wish was about to come true.

It was the same old routine. Wake up, make breakfast, pick up some more to smoke, and go meet up with your friends. I blankly stare at the 150 email notifications, the one at the very top informing me that another year of college was approaching. My mother looks at me from across the kitchen, a look in her eyes I couldn’t quite read. She didn’t say a word. My phone rings.

“Hey, I’m on my way to you now.” My friend tells me that she can’t go out today, she has a lot of homework to catch up on. Another friend of mine says he was filling in for someone at work. Begrudgingly, I decide to go back to my room and smoke alone.

As I sit there across my mirror and light up, I notice the person looking at me. Her eyes looked sunken, her lips lack of moisture, and her smile was barely there. Why did I let this happen to me?

No one warns you how fragile life is. In a split second, everything can be flipped upside down, with you hanging on by the skin of one's teeth. What felt like a loaded truck abruptly slammed against my chest, my heart attempting to break out, and a cry so sharp that I didn’t recognize was mine until I looked again at my distraught face in the mirror. I felt like my time was up and clutched my phone. The pain was so severe I was sure this was it. “I’m sorry,” I said to no one in particular.

“Panic attacks.” The doctor smugly told me some time later. I looked up at him with anger. How could this man look across from me, smiling? The pain was so psychically real that I refused to believe it was only panic attacks. I wanted a second opinion. I got X rays because I was in denial. One visit to a psychiatrist resulted in a diagnosis of panic disorder. My life had changed within the span of 48 hours. After that day, I suddenly experienced panic attacks all the time. I was a foreigner to my own body. It felt like no matter what I wanted, my body had other plans.

Within the span of a week, I lost my friends very quickly. The phone never rung. My mom was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease and depression. She couldn’t get out of bed. My father wasn’t the type to handle us when we were struck ill. He took longer nights at work. My days and nights were suddenly filled with nothing but the fear that the next panic attack would come. Surely enough, it did.

Here I was, experiencing a pain that I didn't know was possible. It felt like I had to control every single thought because of how fragile my nervous system had become. With one wrong thought, my brain would put the gear into fight or flight, and I would lose every time. This was nothing like having a broken leg that you could get a cast for. This was something else.

This was the moment I thought my real self had arrived. With shame filling my throat, my eyes strained red, and my thoughts going a mile a minute, I thought this was it for me. The first few months, I experienced a level of defeat and hopelessness I never knew I had in me. I felt deeply disappointed in myself, because I couldn't control my panic attacks. No matter how hard I tried to stay calm and whispered to myself, "everything is okay," my heart would still beat out of my chest and my sides would ache with exertion. This is who I am now?

What I can tell you, is that no matter what you are going through in the moment, feeling as if it were here to stay, that isn't going to happen. Nothing is permanent, good or bad. I was hard on myself for a long time. But once a few months went by, I started to feel something inside of me. It was hope. There was this fire in the pit of my stomach and this voice in my head saying, no, this is not it for you.

I started to do more research on the best solutions for taking control of your anxiety. There were people I met online that had experienced what I had, and that sense of understanding gave me the first relief I felt in a while. I kept telling myself I was a bad person and deserved what happened to me, but that wasn't true. All you have to do is start now. Looking back at your past is a toxicity that can eat you up and spit you out. I refused to let that happen to me.

There are things in this life that must happen to you. I never would have learned how strong I was as a person if this didn't. My appreciation for the mental health community and my love for helping others revealed itself quite quickly after that. I volunteered for mentoring programs, a crisis hotline, and worked under a therapist to learn of her experiences. A year later, I applied to Psychology Graduate School and got in.

My appreciation for the little things, like being able to drink a cup of coffee or driving a car is something I will never take for granted again. I hug my mom a little longer these days and let her know how grateful I am to have her. I make sure that the people I love know it.

Whenever I pass by a smoke shop, I stop for a second and look back at my past self. The person who would go into that store almost every single day, was gone. Instead of looking at the past in a yearning to be there again, I feel this sense of peace and contentment with where I am now. Believe me when I say that is something I never thought I would be able to feel.

Life reveals itself to you. It reaches out for your hand, disguising its demeanor to come off as if it will shake it, only for you to reach out and be pulled to the floor. What you don’t know about yourself will show up in those moments. Sometimes, it can be something you don’t want to know. It’s something you didn’t even know was in you. You might think that in your lowest moments, that is who you are. But what happens after is what is most important. How you get yourself off that floor is all you need to focus on, and you should be proud of yourself for when you do.