Disassociating

For those of you who don't know much about me, or don't know who I am at all, I would tell you but I can't promise you that I truly even know who I am myself. One thing that I do know for sure is that I do a lot of disassociating - disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity. This agonizing mental disorder consumes my life.

When I was younger I just kind of thought I was dreaming, or that life was just a game and I was just a character that someone else created. Or that I was already in heaven and I had already died. Or that I was in a coma and counted the days until I finally woke up. I had the craziest ideas and normalized them because I truly didn't understand what was going on inside of my brain. But now I know.

Disassociating. Feeling outside of yourself. Not knowing who you are. Not knowing whats real and what isn't. Not understanding the difference between being asleep and being awake. Friends getting mad at you for not paying attention to conversation. Cutting people off because you're afraid you will forget previous thoughts or memories due to your brain moving too slow and your thoughts moving too fast.

A peaceful euphoric trap that excites, panics, and frustrates you. You feel scared, but you feel excited. You feel free, but you feel caged. There is a weight lifted off of your shoulders, but a ghost following you around explaining what life is supposed to look like. A dream that continues even when you wake up in the morning, and when you go to sleep at night. Disassociating is like feeling gravity pull you so hard to the ground while also feeling like you could fly into space.

Am I dreaming? Am I real? Is the world real? Am I alive? Am I even a human being? These are actual questions I ask myself when I'm zoning out. And then... SNAP! Back into reality. "SAM? SAM! ARE YOU THERE? What do you want to do later?" Sounds like a simple question right? Wrong. How do I answer such a simple and silly question when mine are so much more important to understand? How am I supposed to talk about this when people would call me crazy? To add - it's difficult to communicate with others when that basic human function is taken away from you due to your lack of feeling like you exist.

Disassociation feels like during a car ride, when your driver is flying down the road risking your life, you could fall asleep because reality is just a deception anyway. Then you die. Your life ends. All because you were "zoning out" and couldn't find time to warn your friend that there was a car driving recklessly in front of you.

Then... "SAM. Hey! What the hell are you thinking about? We've been parked in your driveway for ten minutes. Are you okay?"

Now tell me... How am I supposed to answer that?

Disassociation is like going to your nine to five, but having to drink five energy drinks, six shots of espresso, and some wine before leaving. Then when you arrive at work, you can't see your computer screen. Words float from people's mouths into the universe and you take forever to comprehend the smallest of things. You walk around bumping into things, and asking too many questions. When its busy you have to go into the bathroom to pull yourself together.

Now tell me... Are you going to judge me for not being able to hold a job now?

Disassociating is wanting to do everything in the world because you feel as if you're in a dream state, but not being able to get out of bed to do anything at all.

Disassociating is binge eating and not realizing you're doing it.

Disassociating is exhausting, and I should reach out for help, but I feel like a zombie anyway. So whats the point?