Debt and Me

Until recently I’ve never budgeted, never lived from pay day to payday, never saved for anything and never even kept a check on my bank account. A fraudster could easily have lived off me from day-to-say without my ever knowing it. At the same time I’ve never been materialistic, never been interested in owning a new car, wearing designer clothes, eating at expensive restaurants etc.

My relationship with my finances went deeper than that to an emotional level that wasn’t as obvious to quantify down to shopping splurges or expensive holidays. When I finally stoped to reflect I noticed a continuous pattern of being in debt, circumstances allowing me to get out of debt, whether it was from an inheritance, bailout or just sheer luck, followed by gradually building up the debt again.

When the opportunities to clear the debt finally dried out - once there were no more windfalls to rely on - I was forced to look deeper into my psyche for a solution. At that point, as a single mum with nearly £50,000 of debt and a child about to go to university which would mean me having to contribute to rent payments and living expenses, I had run out of options.

Self reflection led me to realise two things; being in debt had become a comfortable state of being, it was cosily familiar and meant I didn’t fear debt nor its consequences while not being in debt felt like unfamiliar territory which I wasn’t used to. It offered choices where I was only used to feeling trapped. It felt right to not be able to move forward with my life because I was so used to debt preventing me from taking a risk such as leaving a job I wasn’t happy with as well as moving from an area I hated, etc. I didn’t consider that changing my ways could offer life choices and freedom because I wouldn’t have known what to do with those choices anyway.

Also, for some strange reason I didn’t view myself as poor so I lived my life accordingly and pitied friends who had to be frugal or budgeted and checked their finances. It didn’t occur to me, ever, that I so urgently needed to be doing the same. I consider myself to have a heightened sense of common sense at yet I was blindly carrying on, not seeing what was so obvious to others.

Finally I’d had enough and I was started to lose sleep over my debts. A lot of thinking meant I knew I had to change my ways. I knew that moving home would unlock the equity to pay off debt. I desperately wanted to move anyway and I knew it could have a knock-on effect on other areas of my life so I looked for a way to move to an area I wanted to be in with the options I had. I researched various schemes, finding lots of deadends until I found a beautiful new flat in an exciting and vibrant area. I made the figures add up which included paying off all my debts. I had made substantial inroads into debt payments over lockdown anyway which meant I would still have a small sum to invest once I had moved.

So now I’m here again, debt-free but in a lovely new home in an area I love and with the opportunity to keep moving forward. Or I could restart the debt merry-go-round again. In fear of that I’ve stuffed away any money left from ny house sale into investments and I’m working hard with my head to develop a fear of debt and to keep on the straight and narrow. Like an ex-addict, I’m giving it razor sharp focus so that this time I stay away from the dark side. I read inspirational stories daily, create savings scenarios with potential outcomes several times a day. I try to make saving and frugality fun. It’s unfamiliar territory to me and I’m aware I’m on a precipice which could go either way. I need to build up rather than tear down but I’m optimistic I’ll make it work this time.