Broken by Life

Hello and welcome to my broken mind. I implore you to understand that the sentences you are reading and the world that you are about to dive into could be triggering and even dangerous on some levels. You see, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Every single day in my mind the world is both pure bliss and utter hell, a rainbow of emotions with no end, only extremes. Nothing is ever simple in my mind. Feeling a thirst can and will turn my brain into a tornado of unsure thoughts. Have I drunk enough water today? Should I have any more caffeine? Do I want something hot or cold? So many questions over a simple need to drink something, so I settle on the easy answer.... water. You would think that is where it ends right, Haha, you'd be wrong. Now that I have drank the water, I am completely and utterly feel let down on the fact that I had other options and failed to give them enough thought. Yet oddly enough I am proud that I took the healthier option. Now that my thirst is satisfied, I wonder, could I have taken a sweeter and more enjoyable option such as a soda. I am really not supposed to have soda, way too many calories and way too much sugar but it would have been nice for the moment.

I know that the things I am saying probably sound as ridicules to you as they do to me. Hence the title! This is my life. Forever questioning and forever breaking down things to a level of feeling purely and utterly insane. In my mind, there simply is never a correct answer. There will always be another option that I could have taken or another choice that might have been better. In all reality it doesn't matter what I choose, in my own head I will always be failing somehow. These are the joys of living with BPD.

What is BPD? Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health condition that impacts your ability to live a normal and healthy life. Similar to Bipolar Disorder it is characterized by mood swings, inability to form long term relationships, impulsive decision making and more. BPD can wreak havoc on the way that you think and feel about yourself and others. This can greatly affect a person's ability to have good self-views or manage their emotions at any given time. It creates a pattern of unstable relationships which feeds into feelings of worthlessness. Abandonment is a large issue with people afflicted with this condition. People with this disorder have great difficulty being alone, which can and will manifest itself outwardly as anger or any negative extreme emotion which in turn pushes people farther away. This only validates the BPD persons feelings causing a never-ending cycle of self-sabotage. We want to be loved, sooooo much, but we have no concept of what that would look or feel like and therefore we live in fear at all times that a person could betray us at any given moment.

So, who the hell am I and how did I end up with this condition? Honestly, beats the shit out of me. You have to understand that part of this condition is I never know who I am because it is forever changing. At any given moment I am ready to change religions, towns, states, accents, countries, the list could go on for ages. So, let's start with today and work our way backwards I guess.....

My name is Kristle, I am 36 years old and live in the small town of Cobleskill NY, which I also grew up in. I live with my 3 incredible and amazing kids and our 5 Huskies. Yea, it sounds like a lot, I guess to a normal human it would be a lot but to me it's just life. I, by no means, think of myself as a normal human being. If anyone were to have a live a day in my life or my mind, I fear they would not survive. I wake up every single day determined that today I will figure out who I am. Today I will come up with some amazing idea that will solve the world's problems or make me so much money that we won't ever have to struggle again. Every night I go to bed knowing that I have a million awesome ideas and not a single one will ever formulate or be made to be real because the minute I believe it's something, the doubts and self-sabotage begin. Perhaps starting with today leaves way too many open gaps. Alright, let's do it. Let's go back as far as i can remember and see if that helps explain why my mind is broken.

August 10th, 1985, that is the day the Lord decided to bless this earth with my presence. Lol curse it is more like it and btw I am not sure if God is like the only powerful being or a male or a female, it just seemed like the best way to approach the fact that I didn't exist and poof my parents had sex and now I did. My parents, now that is a good place to start. My Mother was one of those women that could have run the world. Strong willed and driven, she was important. She knew who she was, and she knew what she wanted to be treated like. At barely five feet tall that woman would step to any eight-foot-tall man and speak her mind and throw her fist if needed. To this day I am not really sure what her actual name was. I know that sounds weird but when I was little, I remember her mail came in the name of Hilda as if she was named after my grandmother and yet everyone called her Jacci. Her nickname of Thatha made it even more confusing for my tiny brain so let's just call her Mom.

My mother was born in the Bronx NY to my grandmother who came to America at the age of 13. My grandmother was born in Puerto Rico and at 17 met my grandfather on the streets of New York City. Together they had seven children, my mother being the 4th born but first girl. Mom was a hustler. If it needed to get done, she got it done by any means necessary. Growing up in the younger streets of New York she got into some crazy situations that required her to do some crazy things. She used drugs and messed with some dangerous people. Times were different back then and the means to survive were exactly that. Do or die. Mom was a doer and thru her skills of surviving, she met my father. He was a taxi driver and picked her up as a fare, I guess the rest just unfolded naturally. No, I don't mean they fell in love and lived happily ever after. Does any part of this story seem like a fairy tale to you?? I don't think so. Ya see, my father was a taxi driver by day and an arms dealer by night, nope not making this stuff up. My mother sold drugs. I know it sounds horrible but again remember she was surviving the best she could in a time when you did what you had to do. In the long run, my father ended up getting caught and deported. He also is banned from the United States which made meeting him at any point damn near impossible. That will be more understandable in a bit. So, my parents do the deed and get pregnant. Around three months along, from my understanding, my parent got into a physical altercation or in fancy terms, a first fight. My mother was a legend when it came to beating the shit out of men. The story goes that my mother found out my father was actually married in the Dominican Republic and had children. Apparently, this was not the facts that my father divulged. During an angry physical altercation, my mother hit her stomach on the edge of a cabinet and started to bleed. My mother then miscarried a baby and scheduled a DNC. My grandmother, who always had the power of foresight, told her to get an ultrasound first. During the ultrasound they confirmed the loss of the baby but also confirmed she was in fact carrying twins and I was still alive and growing. We were fraternal twins, so the passing of my sister didn't affect me. My mother decided it was best to tell my father that she had simply miscarried and kept my birth a secret, or at least tried. My father getting sent to prison for arms dealing made this kind of easy for her. My grandmother didn't agree with this and well we will save that for Chapter 2. Now, before I go any further, it is important that you understand, I didn't find out most of this information until I was an adult or scattered throughout the years. I have spent 36 years putting many pieces together to learn how I actually came to exist and be, well me.

Well Readers, it is time for me to feed the kids and do my duties as a mother. I very much look forward to continuing this story as soon as possible. Trust me it only gets better and better. Until next time!