"Black People Don't Even Do That"

WARNING: THIS ARTCILE MAY BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRESTION.

Allow me to tell you a story: I was born into a tumultuous time. My mother was barely 21 years old. She dropped out of college and put her dreams on hold to birth me. She moved back in with her mother to get help with me because she was in an unhealthy, physically abusive relationship with my father. Believe it or not, my earliest memory is from age three. It is a traumatic one. However, my childhood was for the most part “happy.” We took trips, had frequent gatherings at our home, I got whatever I asked for, etc..

Around age six is when I remember thinking, “Why doesn’t my dad want me? What is it about me that makes him not want to be around me? What did I do?” [To put that in better context for you: my father married the woman he met after my mother, had three children with her and they remained an intact family until his passing.] By age eight, I fully remember wanting to die. However, at that age I had not yet come up with any type of plan or even thought about actually killing myself, but I knew I did not want to be alive anymore.

Trying to express those thoughts to my mother was met with anger, yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Her favorite name for me was “ungrateful.” I remember one day when I was ten, she woke me up very early and drove me to a behavioral healthcare facility. She told the doctor she thought I was crazy and needed help. So I was forced to talk to a strange woman that took my mom’s word as gold.

From that point on, I never tried to express any sadness or anger. I cried in private. I didn’t talk about problems I was having in school. And I certainly didn’t mention how much I wanted to spend time with my father (in attempts to not trigger my mother).

Fast forward a couple decades and I had become a mother myself. 2016 and 2017 were undoubtedly the most difficult years of my life. Summer 2016 I hit a new low. That dreaded topic I’ve been leading up to: self-harm.

I remember it like it happened yesterday. It was around 2 AM and I could not find sleep to save my life. I had been crying for almost two hours. I tried every grounding technique I could think of: music, praying, breathing, counting, you name it. Whatever had my mind bound tightened its grip that night. Eventually I found myself in the kitchen with a knife to my arm (not my wrist). And I began to cut.

The next day my sister saw my wounds & of course told my mother. My mother addressed me shortly thereafter and our conversation went something like this:

Mom: Your sister told me she saw some scars on your arm. What happened?

Me: I’m sad. All the time. I wanted it to stop. Nothing I tried was working. So I tried this *(pointing to my arm).*

Mom: Well, do you think you have a problem?

Me: Obviously.

Mom: I mean yeah, because you’re like 27, you’re not 16.

Me: What are you talking about? What does my age have to do with anything?

Mom: Cutting is something teenage White girls do. Black girls don’t do that...Black people period don’t even do that.”

In that moment I knew the conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere. Unfortunately, the mindset of my mother is shared by hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of other people.

So here are three things you should understand about self-harm (if you are not afflicted by it):

1. A person that is self-harming does not want to be harming themselves. The same way they do not want to be depressed or anxious or having a panic attack.
2. Self-harm serves as a coping mechanism from whatever mental anguish that person may be experiencing. Addressing the self-harm alone (what my mother did) will only be putting a Band-Aid over the core problem, which is more than likely a mental illness.
3. Self-harm (a symptom of mental illness), just like the mental illness itself, does NOT discriminate. It is not something that only affects teenage White girls. In fact, a study done in the UK over a ten-year period (from 2003-2013) found that Black women are the most likely to self-harm of other ethnicities and genders.

The widespread lack of understanding of self-harm can lead to insensitivity and stigma towards people who are often already struggling with serious emotional turmoil. The response of my mother made me feel even more alone and hurt than I was the day before. And the sad part is, I know there are so many people out there just like me. Not just the “outcasts” and “rejects,” but the “choir boys,” “pretty girls” and “white collar folks” too.

If you are someone that struggles with self-harm, first understand that you are not alone. Also, please read and re-read these next words as many times as it takes for them to stick in your mind: you are more. You are more than your wounds or your scars. You are more than the pain that drives you to hurt yourself. You are more than your current situation. Self-harm is not the end of your story and it is not something that will be a part of your life forever. July 23, 2016 was the first and last time I harmed myself. You can recover and heal too. You are stronger than you realize.

The first step to recovery is wanting it. The courage you need to seek professional help for your issues is already inside of you. Self-injury Outreach and Support is a great website to help get you on the right track. Click here to go directly to their page filled with coping strategies for self-harm urges.

If you’re reading this article and someone you love self-harms, please click here to learn more about it and how you can help them.