Becoming Undone When Coming Together

To describe my mental and visceral state after my college graduation was a blur; A cosmic mix of all emotion and none at all.

I would find myself reliving moments of my past asking myself what I did wrong. I was lost in my mind, trying to break through my depression and anxiety, I wanted stable ground to speak my truth. My family played a huge part in this pain and unsteadiness. My college years were spent estranged from them, coming to the terms that maybe it's better this way. That changed once I graduated.

This time when I was called to my parents house, I wasn't invited over for tea and a lecture for how I was a disappointment. The atmosphere was thick, heavy and unsettling, my inner alarms were going through the roof. That was when my mother told me she was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

I was experiencing feelings I've never felt before. All I could think was how could this woman, who has caused so much hurt in my life go through something as terrifying as treatment. I was torn. Do I forget everything and act like all is rainbows and sunshine, or just not involve myself like I have been.

Immense guilt just flushed through my body. I know I should support her but a large part of me could feel my mouth numbing. I was silenced. More guilt. I found myself making this harsh reality into a problem of my own. I was beguiled by the trauma, guilt and shame I have carried for years. How could I make a situation about myself, when this literally a matter of life or death. It put me in a mindset of what I wanted to do with our relationship, how could things be different?

The Turning Point

I found myself by her side more than I imagined. It was astonishingly peaceful. Even though,I found myself looking at her, anticipating another argument, another fall out. On edge, I was still in my mind lost in my hurt and shame.

In those long nights traveling 2 hrs for treatment, back and forth, I saw parts of her die, she wanted to be better. My body continuously reacted as if I was in danger but my environment said otherwise. I'm safe.

I decided that maybe this was a time for healing, a time to be honest, to not shut down and hold this pain and hurt with me any longer. I was reading Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps The Score, it became a bible for me to understand my trauma and my relationship to my parents, who have been triggers for me. for years. Dr. Van Der Kolk explains in such an approachable way that made me want to desperately search for ways to finally let it all go, it was unbearable to be there with my family not fully aware or present; Just carrying a void of pain, distracting me from everything that should matter.

As I was reading, I felt that I was coming into myself, accepting myself with less of a judging eye and with more humanity, and surprisingly my parents as well. I started to develop compassion for myself, for my adversities, anxieties and all that has made me who I am today. I have had traumatic experiences, things that over-wired my brain, interfering my processing systems. Making me stuck in this fight or flight mode anticipating conflict with anyone in my life, mainly my family. Throughout my years, I was closing in emotionally, going numb to it all. I wanted to be done with all that.

For my parents, they've questioned me for years why I reacted in the ways I did. Why I would go months ignoring them and not answering calls. Them having only an immigrant understanding of mental illness, made it hard to explain in a way where they wouldn't respond with, "Pray the depression away". Van Der Kolk provided the insight to encourage me to connect with them on a level of understanding that I never saw myself achieving.

It was messy, I told them things I never thought I would ever share; Some parts that I couldn't really admit to myself. My childhood wasn't easy; My parents were incarcerated, 6 years of my formative years without my parents. I was in high school when they were released, the happiness was short-lived, the affects of prison were present in every interaction, it was hard to watch and see life carrying them away. Supporting them through gritted teeth was how I continued until college.

A Sigh Of Relief and Acceptance

My Mother Wound, that we carry to our children through generations; The feeling of being less than, inferior to those around you shame and guilt of who you are or what you want. Bursting into tears, I come to the understanding that living in reaction, caving into to self-loathing and guilt isn't something I want to give the children I bring into this world. I can provide that love to myself, the one love I so desperately was searching for. I was liberated in the sense that I want to live differently in my own terms, not this routine that was a result from chronic trauma. Not this life of instilled fears and beliefs and no boundaries what-so ever. I want to live freely in pain and pleasure.

It's as if I reinstated my sense of self; That there isn't a right way to heal, its chaotic and confusing nevertheless, brought me the closure I rightly deserved. We are human at the end of the day. We can't change those who have hurt us, we only try to make them understand and live in space of no reaction; Embracing acceptance of what our realities have become, whilst having the reassurance that we do have a choice on our state of living. We are powerful enough to live with more ease in our hearts and less pain in our bodies.

- Id