A Disappointed Goddess

The stars have guided humanity across the globe from the beginning of recorded history. It isn't surprising that astrology has been used to help guide people in their personal lives for thousands of years. Humanity has a long history of striving to explain why things are the way they are by any means possible. At the dawn of it's creation, I'm sure astrology seemed to make as much logical sense as the theory of relativity or gravity does today.

People in cultures all across the world, in ancient and not so ancient times, used to consult the stars before making many if not most major decisions. Over the centuries, astrology's popularity and use has ebbed and flowed, and it seems to be as popular as ever these days. Throughout history, it's never disappeared into oblivion. This fact causes many to wonder if there might just be something worth looking into. Maybe their destiny might be tied to the activities of these celestial orbs.

There are believers, skeptics, and non-believers. Astrology, much like religion, has it's die hard followers who check their horoscopes daily and make decisions based on how the planets and stars are aligned. Others are vaguely interested, but on a "just for fun" basis. While others reject it entirely. The reality is, I bet you can tell me your star sign and at least one or two characteristics commonly associated with it... whether you believe in its validity or not.

For instance, I am a Virgo. I am the "disappointed goddess" who simultaneously represents sexual purity and plentiful fertility. Say what? Gemini usually gets the bad rap for being the two-faced sign with dual personalities. How can I be virginal yet represent fertility? That doesn't make a lot of sense to me... or does it?

What if a person's outward personality is secretly at war with their inner sense of self? I'm not sure if its just an awkward phase I'm entering as I make my 41st trip around the sun, or if I've always struggled with feeling this way. However, I am more aware of these feelings now than I ever was before. At age 40 I am the closest to having a mental picture of my ideal self than I've ever been. I know who I want to be, but I'm not there yet. I don't even know if I'm capable of becoming that person, but I'd like thinl I'm capable of becoming the best version of myself.

A common personality trait of Virgos is their tendency to be perfectionists who are overly critical of themselves and those around them. I will put both hands up in the air and wave them like I care A LOT, because this is something I have always struggled with waaaaayyyy before I ever knew it was associated with my star sign. Perfectionism and being critical of myself and others is not just something I catch myself doing once every so often, it has been a daily struggle for me most of my life.

In fact, there are few things in life I hate more than trying my absolute best at something and not getting a good result, or even totally failing at my attempts. I cant stand people who make promises or plans and then flake on me. I hated working in study groups or having lab partners that weren't as serious about getting a good grade as I was. I rarely think I'm good enough and I hold others to my impossible standards that even I cant seem to meet.

What is wrong with me? Am I this way simply because I'm a Virgo? My hunch is probably not, but I can't prove otherwise. Is it just a cruel coincidence? Or is it possible that this struggle is directly related to my astrological sign.

Virgos are also known for their anal organization skills. While its true I like things a specific way, and hate it when somebody moves something from where it belongs and puts it back somewhere it doesn't (in my mind anyway), I can't imagine there is a person alive looking at me who thinks, "wow, she really has her !@#$ together". That is clearly NOT the case. I have ADHD and bipolar disorder. It's possible that someone might look at me and think, "Wow! That is some seriously well organized chaos she's got going on.", but that is about the full extent of how that characteristic manifests itself in my life. Not the ideal mental image when you thing about organization in a traditional sense AT ALL.

Other qualities associated with being a Virgo are fierce loyalty, excellent self-care, healthy habits, shyness, an instinct to love and nurture others, analytical thinking and a solid work ethic. I guess we can break these down a little bit to examine how accurately they describe me.

Loyalty is a big thing for me. I am loyal to others and I expect them to be loyal to me in any type of relationship. Sadly, while I make great efforts to keep up my end of the bargain in that respect, I have been let down more often than not by the other party. As a result, my social circle is very small after years of building walls due to trust issues developed in my youth?

Maybe this ties into my evolution to introversion, but I wasn't always so guarded. I still don't consider myself to be shy, but I am not an extrovert by any means. Am I this way because I happen to be a Virgo? Or am I this way because honesty and loyalty were a big deal in my family, and something in my formative years happened that basically derailed my faith in trusting others? Or maybe I spent too many years in the service industry where my exposure to the masses caused me to see the nastier side of humanity more often than the nicer side, causing me to choose my friends and lovers carefully. Or was that just my critical, cynical Virgo mind playing tricks on me.

Excellent self care and healthy habits are two things that have had their time in the spotlight, but I have also had times where they have receded into the shadows or seemed impossible to achieve. I'm not sure how many readers out there are struggling with bipolar disorder and/or ADHD, but it's kind of an oxymoron to brag about maintaining a healthy life style when these mental obstacles are relentless.

I absolutely am concerned with these issues, but I also had a small melt down when Taco Bell took the Mexican Pizza off the menu. I am not vegan, gluten-free, or on a keto diet. I battled an eating disorder for 11 years and have been in recovery since 2008. I am a fitness instructor as my day job, but I don't do any crazy workouts anymore because its easy for me to fall into a pattern of obsessive behavior with exercise.

Is my obsession with wanting a healthy body, but stressing out that I'm not doing it right to the point of overdoing it, to the point it becomes an unhealthy behavior part being in the Virgo club? Maybe, but I think it has more to do with my mental health challenges effecting my behavior patterns. I do prefer healthy foods and enjoy doing healthy activities, but I still have problems implementing them in my life in a healthy way. I strive for a healthy balance these days, and I have given up on the bikini body I spent SO MUCH TIME trying to achieve.

This brings me to analytical thinking. I am often great at doing this. I'm the best at doing this when it comes to someone else's problems. I am terrible at thinking this way in regards to my personal problems. A symptom of Bipolar disorder and ADHD is cyclical thinking, or over thinking. The same stupid thought splintering in infinite directions spins on a record in several different dimensions in my mind. This can be helpful when I need to think outside the box for a project, but it is a curse when it comes to insecurity or self doubt. Does this happen to me specifically because I am a Virgo, or does it have more to do with the mental challenges I face on a daily basis? Would this aspect of my life be less severe if I wasn't a Virgo? It's hard to say because I don't have a duplicate of myself in an alternate universe under a different start sign to compare notes with.

Do I have a natural ability to love and nurture? My capacity to love and nurture furry things with four legs is infinite. I have two cats and a dog that live better lives than some children might. They are my world. They are my children because I chose not to have human children. I know I still have a little time before my decision is finalized, but I don't see myself changing my mind before that window closes. I'm fine with that. I love my friends and family fiercely, and there is little I would not do for them. I hope I'm this way because I'm a good person rather than just because I happen to be a Virgo.

In conclusion, I do seem to possess many of the cornerstone traits that are associated with being a Virgo. Do I have these characteristics as a direct result by being born between August 22nd and September 23rd? I'd like to think not. Maybe being born under this sign influences how prevalent these things have been in my life, but the truth is there isn't anything absolute that says yes or no. Personally, I think astrology is fun. It's mysterious and mystical. I enjoy getting my tarot cards read on my birthday each year, but I take everything with a grain of salt.

I am an In-betweener. I find it fascinating that astrology has robustly stood the test of time. I don't want to completely write it off as total crap, but I'm not going to live my life based on my daily horoscope. I encourage people to learn about astrology if it appeals to them, and have fun with it. Who I am to say what may or may not be true? My general philosophy in life has always been along the the lines of "to each their own as long as they aren't hurting anyone else or themselves." Whats the harm in checking your horoscope once in a while?