What Makes you Smile

I hitchhiked a ride, the driver pulled over with stride. He looked innocent like a child that never lied.

I asked where are you going, he said the same place I am. This got me excited and saying “Alright, let’s go then!” He replied with, “god bless, amen!”

I got into his car and closed the door. Now to ask him a few questions more.

“Tell me what makes you smile? I promise I will not revile,” I said, wanting to know what would make him happy for a while.

After a moment of silence, I decided to answer my own question. Not having answers was bad for my digestion.

“I like when people are happy. Even if it’s slapstick comedy,” I said and slapped my hand on my head. I wanted to make him laugh, so I would not end up dead.

But I became a little scared when he just sat there and stared. I might not make it home, depending on how this ride faired.

He finally spoke and said comedy is bad, he can’t listen to it because he’s been sad.

When his girlfriend left him, it broke his heart and his rectum. He would give her the world if only she let him!

I said your smile is great, so please don’t hate. Love can be your fate.

‘I disagree,’ he said. ‘I’ll be miserable until I’m dead.’ Then his whole face turned red.

I got nervous and wanted to leave. I just needed an excuse to make him believe I was bereave.

“Where are we driving to? can we stop so I can go number two?” I said, feeling a little blue.

He nodded his head no, and chills went up my spine. I kept telling myself everything will be fine.

“We just passed the last gas station for twenty five miles, where are you taking me, Niles?” I asked, not expecting his reply.

He said, “your name is Fred. You’re dating my girl, and I want you dead.”

I felt sick to my stomach, but what could I do. My wife never mentioned Niles, or that any of her ex’s looked like a shrew.

I then realized he called me the wrong name, I would tell him hoping his anger would wane.

“My name is not Fred, and I’m sorry about your girl. I feel like I’m going to puke and hurl,” I said.

He didn’t say anything anymore, as we sat in silence while he kept driving, I wondered what for? This ride was the scariest, not a bore.

Something fell out of his pocket. I picked it up to see if it could save my life like a bullet proof locket.

No such luck, it was a holder of money. I texted my wife, ‘sorry honey.’

“You dropped your wallet and out came your ID. Niles is not your real name, I see.”

I got no answer from him, I was shaking and scared. I wish I saw another driver, his horn I would have quickly blared. I would have honked it hard while my driver sat there and stared.

“I shouldn’t have hitchhiked, can we pull to the roadside. It’s honestly not you, I need to stretch because it’s been such a long, slow ride,” I asked in a shivering voice. This was not by choice. I was cold, scared and losing a fight to a mysterious and insane creature in a car, this would not suffice. I needed cold water with ice.

“You turned into the woods, there’s no bathroom at all. You’re pulling over next to the parks cliff and falls,” I said. He finally smiled, I’m dead.

“I don’t want to get out here, let’s go back the other way. Please stop tugging on my shirt, you’ll rip it and have to pay,” I shouted. He didn’t care, he just laughed and pouted.

I was out of the car and started to beg him to stay. Even though I thought he was crazy, I felt like a stray.

I couldn’t walk out of the forest with one good leg. I got down on my knees and yelled and begged.

“Please don’t go, stop driving off, I’m sorry you think I stole your girl, but I promise I’ll leave her without even a cough. I’m now in the woods alone in the dark. Is this how you want me to remember you, how you’ll leave your mark?”

Oh good he’s coming back. I thought he abandoned me without even leaving a snack.

Oh no he’s not stopping, he’s going to hit me so I fall off the cliff. This is a case of mistaken identity, for I’m actually single, my wife of years is imaginary and hasn’t even given me a gift, and he doesn’t need to run me a drift.

I screamed at him I wasn’t seeing his girl, and right before he hit me I took a hurl. It hit his windshield with a swirl.

I don’t know if he believed me or not, but I would soon die and my body would rot.

His car hit me hard and I was now falling off a cliff. After I hit the rocky bottom, my body turned incredibly cold and stiff.

The last thing I did was smile and my throat made a funny gaffe. I refused to die without one final goodbye laugh.