The Other Side

I've made it to the other side

so don't let me believe for a moment

that darkness lives within me,

because I must admit

my happiness can be eternal,

and it's not possible

my suffering meant nothing,

because scars remain to remind me

I am a survivor,

so let me cast aside the thought that

I'm unworthy of love,

because no matter what

I am enough,

and I will no longer have to wonder if

I'm a walking curse - a blight upon my life

because the shore of my mind has shown me

my potential for healing,

the value of my journey

I will always hate

that taste of metal; the feeling of rot under my skin,

because I overcame it, conquered it, owned it -

The Resurgence imminent in my veins

_____

[ Don't turn back. Read the poem bottom to top. ]

_____

THE END OF RE: SURGENCE

This is the 21st AND LAST poem in RE: SURGENCE, a poetry collection by Amanda Starks that shares what it's like to have and fight against mental illness in a free-form, lyrical prose.

Be aware that topics and themes may include suicide, self-harm, and isolation.

Haven't read the collection all the way through? Start here with the first poem!

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Well, we've made it, haven't we? An actual FINISHED project on my end, and hopefully a collection that holds a spot in the heart and mind of whomever chooses to read it.

For this last poem, I was initially leaning towards a hopeful note to end off the collection, but after stewing it over ( and being inspired by the Inverse poem challenge by Vocal.Media ) I realized it could be so much more...nuanced.

It's well known that many people will experience mental illness at some point in their lives. According to the latest statistics available from the National Institute of Mental Health Disorders: "An estimated 26% of Americans ages 18 and older -- about 1 in 4 adults -- suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year."

And the idea that it's so common 'anyone can get it', seems to be where some of the stigma comes from towards mental illness. If a bunch of people have it and function 'just fine', then what's the big deal? If you're just 'sad' then get over it.

But what those people don't consider is that many who are diagnosed with depression ( or any other mental health disorder ) may never get over it.

Chronic illnesses come in so many forms. They can be plainly obvious if you are in a wheelchair, carrying around an oxygen supply, or have a bright rash on your skin. For others, like myself, they are completely invisible. We look normal, and we may act normal, but on the inside the pain is just as excruciating.

One is not inherently worse than the other, but it can be said those of us who suffer from an invisible chronic disability get told off much more than those with visible ailments. We get told our pain 'isn't real' or 'that bad' since we appear fine. We are asked to 'push through' more often when we are suffering.

( Note: there are some truly evil people out there who will do or say these things regardless if your illness is visible or not! )

With this in mind, I felt it poignant to represent this struggle with chronic illness within an inverse poem. Upon first read everything feels hopeful - triumphant even. This is the ideal 'cure' all of us dream of. The other side of the long, dark road to recovery.

But reading back up, you realize the battle might be over, but the war still rages on. It's just as easy ( if not easier ) to slip back into those damning thoughts, pain, and misery. We might not appreciate where we started versus where we ended up, or recognize the strength within us.

RE: SURGENCE I think managed to paint a pretty decent picture of this across the whole collection, with themes of chemicals, rot, and nature vs. modern technology used to make it all more cohesive and interesting. And, of course, taking direct inspiration from my own journey with major depressive disorder and anxiety made it a lot more potent and helped bridge the gap between me, the author, and you the reader.

I hope I have created a collection, and a space here on Vocal, that let's you know you are not alone, whether you too have a chronic illness or someone you know does. It is still so humbling to read over the comments made on these poems, and realizing that I have not only made people feel SEEN but VALIDATED. I want to continue that trend in all of my work, not just RE: SURGENCE.

Speaking of the collection, I do have a surprise for you all in regards to what I have been promising since the start: a free, fully formatted copy of the collection in PDF form, for all of my e-mail subscribers. Stay tuned for a special announcement coming soon!