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I pushed you away because I was afraid of falling for you more than I already have in such a short space of time.

I said those things to make you want to leave because I thought it would hurt less if I broke my own heart than if you did it first.

I felt insecure and not attractive to you because it was never verbalised.

I let my emotions and anxiety about relationships come with me into this one and thought it would somehow keep me safe.

It just made it confusing and hurtful.

I never meant to do that to you, I wanted to keep it easy and let it grow naturally.

I always thought after growing up seeing what I thought an exchange of love and care was I realised early on that's not what love and care looks like for me.

I want different for myself.

I've experienced being an optional person, to the point where I started to make myself out to be someone I thought they wanted, someone who was far from who I am. Being mindful of how I spoke, how I walked, my interests, "don't be too smart, it's intimidating," or "Lose a couple of kilos then they'll look your way." God that was exhausting.

I thought that I would never make someone feel bad or cause confusion to someone I was growing to care about, and yet I did and I'm so sorry for that.

My scars were starting to show, and I felt vulnerable, so I did what I learnt to do to cover them- push you away so that you weren't close enough to see them.

I’ve been the consistent person in my life and worked through whatever tried to break me. But it’s also caused me to try harder and although that sounds great at times it's also made it more painful to let go when I needed to.

Deep down I’m not this person who causes confusion and stress, but I did it to you.

I never want to be this kind of person to someone I truly care about and I take complete responsibility for the part I played in this, I’m really truly sorry.

I’m not what some say is ‘broken', I’m a beautiful woman who has a big heart even after all she’s experienced.

I'm learning to love myself unconditionally, it's not an overnight success story but it's happening for me though.

I'm waiting eagerly to feel what unconditional love and pure kindness, honesty and care feels like from someone who can openly show me.

I'm a woman who is eager to feel like she can finally let her guard down for someone who will not abuse her heart and take advantage of her kindness.

I know that I’m not the only one who should put effort into a connection, so I’ll be patient in hopes you'll show up as well.

May you see me for me through everything and love me unconditionally, with grace and patience.

I'm no longer applying so much pressure to this anymore, if it happens and we both want it then it'll work for us and if not, I hope you find what your heart deserves just as I will.

However, if there ever is a divine chance this message reaches you just know I would like to give this the chance it deserves… would you?