Ode to Belts with Holes

A headline I recently read, declared that belts with holes are dead

A chill ran down my spine, suddenly my world grew cold, was this real, a disaster foretold?

Belts with holes are dead. My mind raced. In a world without belts with holes how would I keep my pants up above my waste?

Every single belt I currently own except for one has holes. In this new reality they aren’t even belts anymore, I’m not sure what they are. Straps with holes in them I suppose, hanging, limp and dead, mocking me. I thought belt holes would also be here, would live forever. How could I have been so naive?

The economic impacts alone are well nigh unimaginable. Think of all of the people employed in the belt clasp thingamajig (its got like an over and under section with a little stick like thing that pokes out and goes through the hole in the belt) manufacturing industry. Those people dedicated their lives to the craft of belt clasp thingamajig manufacturing. Now they are going to be jobless soon probably homeless as well. They certainly won’t be worrying about the hole status of their belts as the are going to be too poor to afford any. Ironically this will be at the very same time their need for belts will reach its nadir since they wont be able to afford much food and will be losing a lot of weight.

And what of society itself? What is to become of us in this belt holeless future. All we can say for certain is that the number of usable belts most people own has dropped by a frightening amount basically overnight. In the short term there may well be belt runs and belt shortages, possibly looting and rioting. I doubt calm will prevail for long when people wake up to the implications of a world without belts with holes. I know for a fact that I am ready to loot the f(*! out of some shit right now. Let me just get some pants on and grab a belt and I am out the door. God help us if news of the death of the pants zipper gets out before this situation works itself out.