maybe one day before i die

It trickles down the back of my lungs

Sometimes it gets jammed in my knee

This gaping-empty feeling yet blasting electrical charge of energy

I feel my senses become flooded and it’s both too hard and too easy to focus on everything all at once

I named it anger, then whispered -it’s grief

Tried to convince myself I’ll bloom life bigger (somehow)

Called it - closure in 5 seconds

Laughed because that’s ridiculous and only happens on tv

There was this one episode from this one show called - one day at a time

The Catholic Cuban grandmother came to accept her gay granddaughter in 5 seconds

Just like that

She said - how could she go against

And - who does she think she is

So - I’m okay with it

And I kept thinking how

This angry grief is just a dark room of unprocessed trauma with the door wide open

And I just want to close it

But it takes time, and questioning, self assessment, and acceptance

And I, have no idea if it takes religion or nationality to come to terms with all of that pain (but I have already rejected both)

But I know that it trickles down the back of my lungs and makes me choke on Arctic air

And I know that it gets jammed in my knee so that it clicks when I bend it to remind me it’s still there

And I know that every morning when I make myself sit up in bed out of so much pain

That

One day

At some point in time

It’ll just have to be damn okay

Because I don’t know if I could continue without that hope quite frankly

But, it’s a- good thing I got it though.