Her old photographs

Some days I look back at our photographs

From middle school

When we took that eighth grade trip

All of us gathered around the tree

Silly poses and linked arms

Grins from ear to ear

And then we found ourselves in high school

I remember prom

Finding dresses and doing make up

Straightening my hair to match yours

I tried to be like you

I looked up to you all those years

Yes I did hide the fact that

At that time I thought I was bi and I told

Someone else who I used to be close to

Because he understood what I was

About to go through and it was then

That first real crumble in our foundation

We graduated

You left for college and I was so proud

I knew you’d do all those things when

You put your mind to it

I would try to text often to encourage you

Praise you and tell you you were amazing

But

Things didn’t always go to plan

I won’t bore you with sad details

The past belongs there and besides

It still wouldn’t matter to this day

While you were going to school

I got pregnant young and married young

I moved in a different direction

And found myself struggling so hard

When I realized that depression was stronger

And had a tight hold on my throat

And that meant I never saw yours

I remember after having my son

Dazed and confused after finally waking up

I asked for you called you and you

Finally came

I remember panicking about where we’d go

Since the home we were in

Wasn’t safe and I panicked on what to do

You disappeared for nine months after that

Texts and phone calls went unanswered

Then one day you barely explained and

I thought things went back to normal

You were my best friend

And I know I made stupid choices back then

Decisions that I knew you didn’t agree with

We drifted away

I knew I didn’t come close to your standards

A country girl having babies and divorced

Depressed and decided school wasn’t

An option that would be for me

The last time I reached out

2016

It was a hard year for me

Mentally and physically I tore myself apart

And I made a mistake but

A choice was made and a line drawn in

The sand and I understand that hurt

I still ache over that mistake

I still think about those days

And wish you all the luck in the world

That you achieve your dreams and goals

That you reach the top of the world

And I’ll be down here cheering you on quietly

Understanding why my mama always

Had such an intense dislike towards you

She always said that you would break my heart

But even still

May your dreams come true

That your name is written in the stars

And that I forgive you and myself

Sometimes

Words should be left unspoken

So they don’t change our footing on mountains

And we don’t accidentally hurt someone

With a truth they’re never prepared with