Validation Is Not An Outside Thing

Hey Baby,

Can we start by taking a second to celebrate the fact that you are here today? Yes! For some of us, it’s a small victory on life that we get to claim every time we wake up. You and I both know we haven’t always wanted to be here. Choosing to stay is a victory. So, congratulations but also thank you! If you are anything like me at your age, I know you are rolling your eyes, right now. But give me a second. It’s a little sappy—I’m aware—but I believe that at every point in life, we all have something to contribute. It doesn’t have to be huge. It can be a simple word to a person who needs to hear it at that very moment. So there you go.

I want to tell you something, real quick, about relationships—family, friends, people who claim to be allies and people who will pop into your life as you open yourself to the world.

Your family and friends are supposed to be your first community. Sometimes, people don’t understand and are not willing to learn. Please, always remember that where they stand in their beliefs has absolutely nothing to do with you. It only provides clarity about who they are, not you. Committing this to memory now might save you later (as in save your life).

I don’t mean to get all dark on you but there is a particular kind of harm that plagues queer youth. Most baby queers struggle with the desire to be seen as their full selves, to be accepted as who they are, to be loved. We are supposed to get that from our intimate communities but it does not always work out that way. This is where I want you to be extra careful.

People who have walked this earth longer than you can and do recognize that unfulfilled desire. Sometimes, although they may present themselves as queer, or allies, they do not necessarily have the best of intentions. To make sure you are always safe, never put your validation in the hands of others.

I could make this next part poetic and nice but I don’t want to take the chance of being misinterpreted. When you do not get the love and validation you crave from the people who are supposed to give it to you, aka your intimate community, you might be tempted to allow other people in because they’re queer; because they say Hey, I see you. You are normal. You’re beautiful. Come, I’ll show you around. You might be tempted to do things you’re not necessarily willing to do because you don’t want to get cut off from this world they are introducing you to.

Ditch them! Yes baby, never be afraid to ditch a bitch*.

First, this world is yours. It already belongs to you and it is what you make of it. Your world is queer because you are queer. No one can ever close that gate in your face, because bay-bee, you have the key.

Second, you’re not the first person they try that with and you will not be the last. They hunt down baby queers. And that is exactly as creepy as it sounds.

Third, and last—I’m back with the cheesiness but it’s true—if you learn to love and accept who you are, if you believe that you are enough, you will not need external validation to move about this floating rock in space. The world is unfair and it is full of shit but that’s why we have shovels, essential oil sprays and glitter. We always manage to create our own, beautifully scented and well-designed little corners.

Oh… and a little something extra for my neurospicy girlies*: if a man tells you to come have tea at his place, he doesn’t mean tea… I’m not saying it happened to me… but I’m not saying it didn’t. 👀I’m just saying.

Love, from the favorite aunty you did not know you had!

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(* I mean both in the gender neutral way)

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This piece is in a part of the QVV & ViM Pride month challenge. Find out more over here: