Gingerbread, Pies and Enterprise

Once a baker and his wife

Ran a business of renown

The most successful bakery

For many miles around

The quality of the baked goods

Gave the business its repute

Cakes and breads and atmosphere

The whole thing was super cute

And they held a true monopoly

In the village where they lived

And made money the old fashioned way

… with free labour from their kids

But the rise of coeliac disease

Turned tourism on its head

And three stars on Trip Advisor

Wouldn’t keep the children fed

So the couple did the only thing

In that economy they could

They ordered in bulk almond meal

And dumped the children in the woods

They left them in the deepest part

Where they hoped they’d surely die

And they cruelly left them sourdough

When they knew they favoured rye

No tears were shed by either child

As the wagon rolled away

And they finally bid good riddance

To long hours and no pay

And the kids were self reliant

Never doubted for a minute

They’d adapt to living in the wood

And make their fortunes in it

So they started on a journey

Walking two abreast

In the direction the girl, Gretal,

Thought would steer them best

As they walked her brother, Hansel,

Threw his breadcrumbs to the ducks

He knew that he was wasting food

But he couldn’t give two… “Shucks!”

The children both stared open-mouthed

At the building just ahead

Looming from the forest path

Was a house of gingerbread!

Walls and roof and chimney

Were all made of baked confection

A mortar made of frosting

Met the children’s keen inspection

And through the candy window

Underneath the toffee eaves

A pair of witchy little eyes

Observed potential thieves

How dare these little cretins

Disturb her isolation

She cracked the door and tapped her sign

‘NO SOLICITATION’

But the kids could not be frightened

By the hag and her decree

They’d been working customer service

Since the tender age of three

And Gretel had started thinking

Of an opportunity

For woodland gnomes and bears and fae

Were seldom Gluten Free…

‘We know that you could eat us,

My god, we’re not naive.

But take it from professionals,

You’ll regret it if we leave!’

‘You see, we have the special skills

To fix this situation

Run this place as a bakery

We’ll make it a sensation! ‘

‘You’ll forgive us both for saying

But you’re no patissierre

Your decor should say ‘chic eatery’

But it’s giving ‘evil lair’’

‘The piping work is crooked

And the edges over-baked

And I’d question engineering

With foundations made of cake’

‘I’m pretty sure a fondant loo

Is a breach of sanitation

God forbid the Health Department

Sees this pixie infestation’

The witch abhorred precociousness

And the insults kind of hurt

She could live up to the stereotype

and eat these little twerps…

But the cost of living crisis

Had even reached the woods

And a bit of stable income

Would undoubtedly be good…

So the three agreed a business deal

And started that same day

They channeled Gordon Ramsay

To make this Kitchen Nightmare pay

With the skills and the experience

Of the junior pastry chefs

And the occasional hex on a critic

They became the very best

They started home deliveries

When the Riding Hood news broke

And gave a job to Big Bad Wolf

To rehabilitate the bloke

With a new career to pay the bills

There was no need for eating Grans

And his pork and fennel sausage rolls

Won him many paying fans

Soon the overhauled establishment

was known throughout the nation

And had record-breaking patronage…

Until the first precipitation

Though the building sadly melted

The insurance paid the claim

And the kids had made their money

And they’d also made their name

They got their own back on their parents

With a workers rights dispute

And the witch turned her new talents

To her kombucha brand ‘Eye of Newt’

Hansel and Gretel could retire

On the proceeds of success

But they met three friendly bears and thought

‘We’ll try a porridge business next’