Disobedience

I needed more than the bare minimum. You probably think you did your best but I provided more. What I require is exactly what I am capable of giving. I didn't ask for the impossible but the choices you made were insanely poor. There was a process I initiated and boundaries I expected you to follow. Acceptance of broken communication is still taking a lot out of me. What was once connecting us can and will be severely severed. I envisioned a future of madness and hoped it would set us free. The path of peace is one I have to take alone. My failure is one that had to occur for me to expand. A life of pessimistic tranquility cannot exist no matter how hard I pushed. I settled for a marriage where you no longer held my hand. There is a clever con you force yourself to believe. Where promises you want to hear are not the ones you make. The change I sought was the one I had to endure and claim. Blissful ignorance is a powerful tool for the corrupted insane. The finish line feels so unattainable and far away. Like this process will be rewarded when I know it won't. I allow my regression to keep pulling me back instead of forward. I can't give you this much control every time you return, so please don't. I am metamorphic and still ascending at a steady pace. You will change artificially but that is your burden to bear. I don't want to be reminded of past mistakes and wounded pride. My soul is transforming and you can't halt this evolution so don't you dare. I wish I could fast forward until I'm fully healed. But who knows when that will occur and what will transpire. I have my doubts and anxieties and perhaps I always will. But time altered its future for me so my bleakness isn't so dire. What happened to the potential I thought resided in me? If I was so stubborn, why did I give up on myself so quickly? I thought I was a masterpiece in disguise, in the making. How do I carve myself out of marble and still be more than what I want to be? The future keeps extending his warm and cuddly hand. I don't want a new companion to completely conquer me. I want a future where I can love myself and be loved in return. I'm not asking for a miracle, just for the future to be simple and happy for me. I want serenity and the peace that comes with an unclouded mind. If love will allow me, I will claim both along with his hand in mine