A Stormy Home(body)

There’s a stillness in this house

Quiet radiates of walls in the softest sound waves

Outside the wind rages on

A reminder that I am not alone in my screaming

~

My therapist has been trying to convince me of screaming

For months she has challenged me on the outcome

~

She says, “it’ll ease the pressure”

I say, “how can I allow myself to take up space”

~

There is no question in my statement

For I am no wind

No force of nature

Not even a grain of sand upon this land that isn’t mine

~

I claim nothing

Want nothing

~

Worry, my pain will radiate towards the neighbors and cause them to worry

I know there is already too much chaos next door

~

I return to my thirteen year old thoughts of

“My pain is not big enough to count, others matter more”

I am nothing

I feel nothing

~

Airport runway lights blink bright red

The flight of my self-compassion has departed

~

I am not on the flight.

I have yet to buy my own ticket.

~

But hope whispers in my good ear,

“Tickets are half off tomorrow if you wish to try again”

I wrote this poem on a particularly windy day. The house was shaky and while the wind howled along with my thoughts, there was a sense of calm indoors. Maybe if was the trust in the walls to hold still enough to not collapse; both my inner emotional walls and those of the house. Weird.

This poem was also posted on my medium account under my pseudonym Poet in the Arctic.

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