UnCommon Knowledge

Something nobody knows. Something I know. Life sucks? Everyone knows that, or maybe they don't.

Ryland James- Blame

"I'm not saying that I am perfect and you're not perfect. Least on that we can agree...I'm getting nothing right, nothing right, nothing right , nothing right, yeah. By doing nothing wrong, nothing wrong, nothing wrong, nothing wrong, yeah. I'm not the only one to blame, blame, blame, blame, blame."

Life has always been a struggle for me since I can remember. Even growing up I have not had the happiest of childhood memories, not that they were tragic, although my life feels like it has been fairly tragic for such a young age. It's weird because there are no underlying major life events that would make me feel this way. I mean I've been cheated on, dicked around, but who hasn't. Why. Why is so life so hard.

From addiction to addiction, when will it end. Here's something everyone might not know... everything is hard to quit. Although, I'm sure there's millions of people who that as well. I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of all of it. I'm sick of trying so hard to fix myself. I'm sick of being unhappy. I'm sick of having uncontrollable addictions. I'm sick of it. I'm just done. Done with everything. Fuck everyone.

This isn't like me. I love everyone. Do I? Or do I hate, lothe, want to murder everyone. No, no I don't. I'm not that far gone. Just sick of the bullshit. Sick of not being loved., not feeling loved. Sick of not loving myself. Sick of trying to love myself. Sick of trying to love/not to love. I'm sick of it all. I can only do what I can do, be who I can be. Be me. Be me.

Who am I?

I'm loving. I'm caring. I'm nice. Where's my guy? Where's my prince charming? Where's my rose. I want a rose. I want it. I want it all. But where do I start? What do I do? How do I get there? If I could have anything in this world...I'd have it all. Fame, fortune, love, happiness, a big house on a hill, white picket fence...okay, maybe no white picked fence.

Fuck it, white picket fence.

Horses. We'd have horses. I love horses. Ducks? Would we have ducks? Dogs. We would have dogs. Maybe a farm. Maybe not. Too far. What else is new. I take everything too far. Always have to stretch that lineage. You give me an inch I take a mile. That's who I am. That's who I am. I am who I am... "and I'm okay with that." But the thing is...I'm not. I'm not okay with any of it.

I'm not okay with using people. I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with any of it. I don't need you to tell me what I did, what I do. I get it. I'm a terrible fucking person. I have a gambling problem. DO I? No fucking shit. I've only been calling the gambling help line for two years. Oh yea and I have, had, a fucking councilor for two years too. Oh and did I mention I have mental health problems. Sever, sever anxiety. Yip, I got it all.

I fucking hate you. I hate you for not loving me. I fucking hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for everything. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Here's something everyone might not know...what came first the chicken or the egg... just kidding. If a tree falls and nobody is around to hear it does it make a sound?

I don't know. Fuck. I have real life problems...first world problems. Would this be a first world problem? My boyfriend broke up with me... because of my gambling...supposedly. I don't buy it. I don't. I just don't fucking buy it.

How do I stop?

Ryland James- Blame

"I'm not the only one to blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. But no matter what I say, say, say, say, say. It's the same old conversation. I don't got the patience. For all these accusations thrown my way' cause you know and I know we both are to blame."

Meeting?

Fuck meetings...fucking fuck I don't want to go to a fucking meeting. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Where's my gun?

I'm going to gamble.

Neon Dreams- Sick of feeling useless.

"Scream out but nobody listens. Try hard but it don't make a difference. Sick of feeling useless. Sick of feeling, sick of feeling useless."

*** I didn't go.***

Neon Dreams- Sick of feeling useless.

"Scream out but nobody listens. Try hard but it don't make a difference. Sick of feeling useless. Sick of feeling, sick of feeling useless."

Imagine, imagine when philosophy was my major life problem. Not being able to figure Hume out..although I did. I psychoanalyzed the shit out of him. Wasn't suppose to do that.

Those were the days.

Were they?

I drank a lot then. I studied, worked and drank. Thinking about it, looking back, maybe I should give myself a break. I've come a long way. I still have a gambling problem but I can sleep. I can think (too much). I can breathe (not that great because I smoke like a chimney). I'm alive. I need to chill. Just breathe.

That would be another tip. Breathe, relax, slow down. My problem is I've slowed down way too much. I'm going crazy with boredom and driving myself nut thinking too much. Maybe that is some uncommon knowledge. Too much time on your hands is not always a good thing. You need to fill your day with things even if your not working. Try. Fight. Try.

More uncommon knowledge. It gets better. There was a time when I couldn't sleep. I thought and thought and thought, all night. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Always thinking. Always trying to quiet my mind. Shut up brain, shut up. Let me sleep. My brain would not. Those were rough times. Really, really rough times. And although I'm having a rough go right now I'm not where I use to be. I don't want to die. Things get better. Things get better.

"Just keep swimming" -Dory

Post Malone- Better Now

"You probably think that you are better now, better now. You only say that 'cause I'm not around, not around. You know I never meant to let you down, let you down. Woulda gave you anything, woulda gave you everything."