Fresh Start

Fresh Start

New year, new me. New year, new me.

I must recite that to myself now and again. New year, new me. Why do I feel like the old me?

Gratitude. Its get’s hard to remember everything that I can be grateful for at times. I was feeling very low around new years, depressed. My mind was aloof. I felt down, confused, disoriented. I was not sure what was happening. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years on new years. New year, new me, fresh start. I was not really hoping for a fresh start, just to talk. Things did not end well. New year, new me. New year, new me. Fresh Start.

When I went back to my dungy apartment, I felt sad, unappreciative, and depressed. When I am feeling depressed it is hard to feel grateful for anything. New year, new me. I had to remind myself to be grateful for the apartment. There was a time I had no where to live. Back to moms. Not nowhere but not my home. I found it difficult to live there as an adult. Rightfully so I suppose. For the longest time I felt like I had no home. Home is where the heart is, my heart was numb. New year, new me.

I made a home with him. He has a thirteen-year-old daughter. She is beautiful. She has his eyes. We got a puppy a few months before we broke up. I feel madly in love with this dog. I always liked dogs but I never new, I never new what it would be like to have your own puppy. So much love. People always say that you will never understand love until you have a child. I believe I will never experience that love if I choose to not have children of my own. I’m ok with that for now. But that dog. My heart felt complete.

I’m not exactly sure what happened. I mean I do, and I don’t at the same time. I can remember times of happiness that I was never thinking of leaving him, never thinking we’d split, but I also remember times of struggle when I was. We fought a lot. We just didn’t seem to have the same views on things, important things. I don’t know where things went wrong and at the same time I do. I miss him but it’s a new year. New year, new me. I will miss her. I liked the idea of being a stepmom. I remember there was a time when all I wanted was for her to call me her stepmom one day. New year, new me. New year, new me.

I had the dog over for a visit the other day. She is beautiful. Soft, beautiful fur. So friendly. She’ll jump and say hi to anyone. Well behaved, well she is getting better. She’s growing like a weed. It was so nice to have her the other day. I think seeing her killed the depression out of me. Something about her jumping all over me, kissing me, kills the sadness. She is a gift. She was my gift. She opens my heart. She kills the pain. I had to say goodbye to her the other day. New year, new me.

I am going to miss her. I am going to miss him. I really hope his daughter stays in touch. I will be there for her until the day I die. If she ever needs anything I will be there. She is beautiful. I hope she texts me. I hope if she needs a friend some day she calls. I hope at some point she’ll think of me if she ever needs anyone and I will be there for her. I hope…I hope.

The apartment is not actually a good place for a Dog. It is on the third floor. I would have to go up and down those stairs every time the dog had to pee. I hate going up those stairs, especially with food or groceries. I would do it for her. I would get my lazy ass up. I would take her outside. I am going to miss her so much. She brings so much joy into my heart. New year, new me.

My New Year’s resolution this year was to drink more water. Drink a glass of water every day I wake up. I have been doing that. I will drink one glass of water every morning when I get up and that reminds me to take my pills, which is very important. It also reminds me to eat healthier. Which in turn reminds me to exercise. New year, new me. I want to exercise; I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to feel good about myself. I will continue drinking my water. New year, new me. I started stretching every morning. That is all. Just a light stretch. Stretching sometimes leads to abs, sometimes a walk, but it starts with a stretch. New year, new me.

My back gets sore and the doctor told me I need to exercise and stretch every day. So, I am just fat. No back problems other than something that will heal with stretching and exercising. I was sure my back was broke. New year, new me. I can do this. I will lose the extra weight I gained. I will be happy. I will get through this. It all starts with a glass of water a day. New Year, new me. New year, new me. Fresh Start. Fresh start.