The unshakable feeling of depression
I have this unshakable feeling of depression and sadness. I can't seem to get my motivation back and I don't know what to do.
Lately I have this unshakable feeling of depression. I am not physically tired or drained, but mentally. It's an odd feeling to have. No matter what I do, I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I just have this feeling of not being motivated. I'm not motivated to do anything. There are times that I feel frustrated that I am not doing more to accomplish my goals. However, I also don't feel motivated to do anything towards those goals. I'm not sure how to escape this cycle that I have found myself in. It's almost like I am running around on a hamster wheel. There have been times in my life when I have felt depressed. However, I was always able to knock myself out of it. This time has been hard for me to do. I'm not sure how to do it.
I have always said that if you don't like your life then change it. I don't like my life, however I some how don't have the energy to change it. It's a frustrating place for me to be in. I am depressed because of things about my life, however I don't have the energy or strength to change it. I know there is no one that is going to save me. No one is going to come in and rescue me. I can only count on myself. What do you do when you don't have the energy to save yourself?
I have been trying to focus on joy, on things that bring my joy and happiness. Though I fear that somewhere along the way I have lost my ability to feel joy. I'm not even sure what brings me joy any more. I tried to make a list of activities that bring me joy. It was a short list. I'm just not sure what brings me joy any more. What joy and happiness even feels like.
I fear that my response to trauma has been shutting myself down. Over the past year, I have been through so much. Most people in my life have let me down, treated me with disrespect, and in general do not care about me, I feel. As a resolute of that, I feel like I have shut down so that I can take all the bad things that are being done by me. As a side effect, I have shut down my ability to feel anything. I know that it has been my only ability to get myself through. My family picks on me all the time, they think that it's funny. I am always being put down. My daughter has picked up an attitude like I don't know anything, for my family around me. I don't have any friends who are sticking up for me, or lifting me up. No one that really lifts me up. That doesn't even cover my abusive ex, and everything that he did to me. So I shut down, to get myself through it. But I have to be honest, that is not working, clearly.
So what do I do? I have to do something. The only way that I will get myself out of it is to push myself to work towards my goals. However, I'm just not sure what my goals are anymore. So how do you get joy and passion back? I wish that I could do an eat, pray, love thing. I'm just not sure I am able to do that. Somehow, I have to get my passion and joy back into my life. Somehow I have to find happiness.
-T
About the Creator
Talara Nolan
I am a single parent to a 4 year old girl and live with her in Canada. I love working out and have lost over 45 lbs over time. I would love to share what I have learned and all the things that have worked for me over time.
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