The Spirit of Christmas

I love Christmas season so much... And wish it would never end!

Even though there are people I'm missing, my heart aches for them... all the time, I still love the magic of the Christmas season... Something about the lights, YES, the light!! Literally and figuratively.

The decor, just BEAUTY everywhere you look, and people in excited and upbeat spirits, generous, loving spirits, ... creativity coming out everyone one decorating, gathering together, making delicious and beautiful things.

THIS is a FREQUENCY! An energy, yes. A time of the year where SO MANY at once are on a higher frequency TOGETHER!

I used to talk with my fiance Chad about this,... While he was going though so much grief. And we didn't consciously know at the time, those would be the last few years of his life as well, but deep down we knew, it was discussed, and somewhere in my soul, I knew.

Another reason why I wasn't fucking around about my love for him, determined to forgive, I tried to hang on as long as possible, despite his alcoholism, and the chaos it brought to my life. Nobody really understood all this, from the vantage point I had.

And you have to be VERY careful, especially with the loss of a child... I knew this was going to be very difficult for me to walk through with him.

& For me to continue living the same life, with inspiration and spirit I've always had, and not just have to give up on my ways entirely, or who I truly was.

Yet at the SAME time, somehow embrace his grief, and meet him where he was as well.... Without making him feel invalidated, or EVER forced to just forget. Or have to move on too quickly, or have to get into some spirit he didn't have, because he lost a child.

I can't EVEN imagine the HORROR, the shock, pain, of a parent losing a child, but I've had deep experience going through it with someone.

But im appropriate timing, we often spoke on these things. And without pushing him, being patient, understanding , accepting of his pain & grief, I would still try to give him perspective, some kind of light & hope.

To just, be in the moment... Enjoy himself, the other children, ... The spirit of the season, but again... I had to be VERY aware and considerate of what I was doing and saying.

Grief is different for everyone. This happened to him just a week before we came together, in fall of 2016, and it wasn't something that was EVER, going away.

And it would take YEARS, to even stabilize him from this. It's something I agreed to, and chose to walk through with him. No, it wasn't going to be a normal relationship.

But I think he did the absolute best he could considering the drastic hole that was left inside him... The loss... And being a person who didn't like Christmas very much anyway... Because of his own wounds, and basically felt like it was only for children.

I think very often, during those days together, he found his spirit, and joy in certain moments, and in things we did together. Like Christmas caroling, attending beautiful midnight mass, or riding around looking at Christmas lights, playing Christmas music with Mom and I, among other things.

This time in life was about finding himself.

Learning, although in such an awful, tragic way, & circumstance, to somehow go on, and learn to enjoy something just for him! To know himself.. touch back with the child inside himself that needed light, love and joy.

He knew I was about the holidays in a BIG way, heart and soul. DESPITE the horror, darkness, chaos, going on. The thing is with me, I TOO, was used to having little children all those years, and even though they had grown up by the time he and I got together, ..

I STILL, was used to decorating, celebrating, baking cookies, cooking, doing activities all season with either grown kids or mom, siblings, etc.... and EVEN when I Might not have felt like it, like the year my friend Aaron died in December, .(..I was gutted...)

But I somehow felt guilty if I DIDN'T, get the house in order, and make it a warm, comfortable, magical place to be for my family, and give THEM that spirit and hope!

Of course I know intellectually, it's not a responsibility, but I felt that sometimes, and I just loved doing it, so much of my family, including my mother DIDN'T do it, had so much chaos, darkness, there would be nowhere to go if I hadn't, and I wanted to give them that.

Not always, but very often, I deal with pain DIFFERENTLY, no, it's not denial, I feel it, oh yeah, and deal with it

BUT, i tend to POUR that pain and agony into CREATING, decorating, cooking, finding over the top inspiration... And it comes out in that. It's transmuted.

And I just always wanted to give that spirit to those around me. I didn't want my kids or anyone else to feel the suffering I felt! I wanted them, my mother, my siblings to have some place to go that was magical, full of spirit, comfort, just normal.

I felt somehow responsible for that, and it was just me, regardless, I loved doing it, always will. It helps me survive.

Hell I even decorated my CAR when I was homeless. It was my home for the time, so the entire back windshield was filled with decorations, toys, and fun, with a ribbon on the front of the old Malibu! 🤣

You can take a lot from me, but it's VERY hard for my spirit to be taken. At Christmas or otherwise.

The ONLY time I did NOTHING, for the holidays, and just sat there, absolutely stumped, in shock, pain.... Felt such a dark, empty hole, none of us had Christmas that year...

Was 2018, the December my sister lost her baby.

And my baby brother had been killed in August just before.

It was just too much for any of us.

But, for me, it's all about wanting to give joy, spirit, magic, comfort, to others, to those I love.

And although i don't have my own place anymore, I've lost my partner, kids are grown,... And I pretty much lost everything, had a terrible, displaced year of grief and pain,...

I STILL have the spirit, Christmas magic, decorate, do activities, even just by myself, ...or for mom and I.

And I'm building my way back to being able to do those things i love again, in my own BIG way... And gather my loved ones together.

Also remembering those lost, their spirit, what they meant to me, while I soak in the lights and magic., it's almost haunted in a way sometimes, sure.

So, if someone's " Christmas spirit" bothers or annoys you, I get it. But just a little insight, everyone copes differently, and just because we choose to have spirit, doesn't mean we don't know pain and agony.

If anyone could just take a big dump on everything, and NOT want to have any spirit, battling depression, anxiety, grief, PTSD, being middle aged and starting over with nothing,... it's me.

But I choose not to.

I also respect those who need to have their pain, and do not care to celebrate, I empathize and respect it. But please don't hate on, or piss on others.

Wishing everyone much love, and joy this season. May the new year bring us all healing, & abundance!