Loving An Alcoholic

Operation Mindcrime is even more relevant now to me than it ever was. It would have been great for us as real people, to sort the layers, but it was too late even when it began, and I didn't know it yet. Whatever had you, had you for years before, and wants me.

The things I fought for years, to overcome, you surrendered to so easily. You let them get you. I wasn't strong enough to get you out, I'm sorry. It was never you I fought, or ran from. It was something else, something indescribable, not of this world.

Something always chasing me.

I've been grieving really for years, but at least some times you'd come back. It's gonna take you forever soon. It's coming. You'll go home, there's no amount of preparation for that reality .

This year especially bad. I've seen you, your face, your voice, on a regular basis, checked on you, spent time. I've been right there with you many times, and the thing is, I haven't seen you at all! You haven't been there. I think the last time I really saw you was June or July, clear eyed, sober, recovering from surgery a month in my bed.

I have not seen you again since then. 5 long months gone by. And yet I see you all the time, right next to me, I'm not sure WHO is there. But I had no choice but to accept it, and keep going somehow, knowing you were getting worse and worse.

Only your physical shell here.

Carrying that inside me, even for the strongest is too much. After all I'd already overcome, and the boundaries I set, the distance I created out of need for peace & safety, all of it. The most painful thing you'll ever have to do with someone you love. But looking at someone who isn't there, drinking themselves literally to death, in denial, and giving me no choice but to pretend, it's all I was allowed to do!

The gaslighting, manipulation, coercive control, I wasn't allowed to speak the truth, this was even more painful. There isn't enough distance to get away from this, ever, and yet I don't want to, I wish we could both just escape this monster together.

No matter what I do, the energetic ties drown me with sorrow. My own energy and all of yours is too much. I have to fight hard, it's haunting, always will be. I know this is how you want to go, you have resigned yourself to this, and we all have to find acceptance.

But the mixed emotions that the families, children, friends, partners of alcoholics go though is insane. So much love yet, so much pain, confusion, ANGER, sorrow that no one knows how to cope with. And what's even more terrifying and difficult is when they want to take someone with them! When they are so far gone in addiction that their needs and behaviors overwhelm everyone around them. o

There was a time I was so sick, unhealed and in my own trauma, that I thought I could go with you. I thought I WOULD go with you to the end, to the edge and over. Or perhaps grieve myself to death.

My heart rate went to 225 last November. I thought I was going to die of heart failure from the stress and heartbreak. I had to do something to save myself. I have work to do. Yet, I was made to feel so guilty. We weren't supposed to go down like this, and I'm not. I can't.

The teachers got to me long before i knew you, they gave me something I wish to God I could've given to you. But you wouldn't accept it. It was too late in your life. I'm strong as hell, but the pain and grief is always there, just under the surface, gutting me.

" Alcohol is a spirit that breathes," Someone once said to me. And My god.. yes. It wraps around people and crushes the life out of them, and all who are close, pulling them into the vortex.

I watched this mercilessly consuming you on a daily basis for years, now you are free. You've gone home. And despite all the chaos & pain, I miss the little wonderful moments with you, everyday.