The Missing Piece in Your Pursuit of Happiness

Many times, we are told that setting goals is a vital aspect of leading a healthy life. We take a seat, ponder where we want to see ourselves in the upcoming months, years, or even half-decade, and start jotting down a list of ordinary, socially acceptable aspirations such as getting good grades, shedding off some extra pounds, initiating our own business and earning a certain amount of cash, among others. These objectives may seem innocuous on the surface, and we believe that, at the very least, we are showing some eagerness and attempting to accomplish something.

Nonetheless, an essential element is still absent.

What is the reason behind chasing these goals? It's uncomplicated and maybe a tad unoriginal, but we seldom question ourselves about why we do what we do and why we want what we want. We positively don't wish to encounter a midlife crisis that suddenly makes us aware of the fact that despite acquiring everything we wanted, it was still insufficient. To prevent a catastrophic realization when it's too late, it's better to explore our motives while we still have the chance.

The self-determination theory, which has been supported by numerous studies, is an emerging approach to understanding human motivation. According to this theory, there are three fundamental psychological needs that humans require.

Firstly, we require relatedness - a sense of belonging, care, intimacy, and affiliation with other people.

Secondly, we need to feel competent and possess the confidence to carry out activities and master skills in our environment.

Finally, the need for autonomy is the most crucial of all. It involves agreeing with our own behavior and feeling like we are acting with volition. If we prioritize these needs, we should align our goals accordingly.

However, most of us are not fortunate enough to exist in environments that cater to these needs. For instance, we may have grown up or currently live in situations where we have limited autonomy, unable to make our own decisions and pursue the life we want.

Alternatively, we may face high expectations from ourselves or others, leaving us with a constant sense of incompetence. Furthermore, we may be constantly isolated, craving intimacy or even recognition from anyone.

When we don't fulfill our fundamental needs, also known as "need thwarting," it can lead to dangerous consequences. One of these is that our goals may become corrupted. Since we have limited control over our lives, we tend to compensate by fantasizing excessively.

For example, we might believe that acquiring a vast amount of wealth will grant us freedom, and so we focus on accumulating riches as a means to feel free. Alternatively, if we feel inadequate, we might think that gaining fame is the only way to gain recognition for our abilities.

You have dreams of becoming a renowned writer, dancer, singer, or athlete. You long for the validation that comes with fame and the feeling of finally achieving something great. Perhaps you find yourself yearning for attention and companionship due to feelings of isolation.

You envision yourself losing weight, obtaining toned abs, and gaining the admiration of others. You imagine having multiple casual partners without ever feeling inadequate in intimate situations.

In pursuing these lofty aspirations, we convince ourselves that they will bring us happiness. However, in studies on self-determination, these goals are referred to as extrinsic. These goals serve as a form of self-preservation when our essential needs for autonomy, relatedness, and competence are unfulfilled. Extrinsic goals, however, are focused on external rewards and outcomes. They hinge on the notion of achieving earthly salvation by acquiring enough wealth and fame to lead a perfect life.

Yet, the pursuit of these goals is never-ending, and it's impossible to please everyone. There will always be someone more skilled than us in some way, and it's crucial to remember that financial success does not equate to true happiness.

The research suggests that pursuing goals that are personally meaningful and satisfy core needs, known as intrinsic goals, is more beneficial than focusing on extrinsic goals.

Intrinsic goals involve building and strengthening relationships with individuals and the community, following passions and values for their own sake, and focusing on personal growth and developing new skills.

Although intrinsic goals may require more effort and be less exciting than extrinsic goals, it's important to remember that extrinsic goals are linked to negative mental health outcomes, such as anxiety, depression, and narcissism, and can lead to decreased happiness. This may be because people who focus on extrinsic goals are seeking happiness in external things.

It has been observed that pursuing goals that are intrinsically motivated are more effective in achieving goals that are extrinsically motivated than simply focusing on the latter. For instance, Bill Gates is a good example of this as he once said that he and his team did not expect to earn a significant amount of money from writing software, but they did it because they loved it.

To sum up, it is better to concentrate on the journey rather than the destination. This does not mean that the goals that were mentioned earlier need to be altered, but rather the reason behind pursuing them should be reconsidered. If an individual aims to shed pounds to impress others, then that would be considered an extrinsic goal.

However, if an individual aims to lose weight to improve their health, feel better about themselves, be more active, and enjoy the process of exercising, that would be intrinsic. Additionally, the latter person is more likely to accomplish and benefit from this goal than the former with extrinsic motivation.

It is essential to reflect on why one is pursuing their goals. Life is too brief to waste time attempting to compensate for one's deficiencies with impractical and unrealistic ideas of fame and fortune.