Solace in the Solitude

For the first time in my life I’ve been given the opportunity to discover the essence of my being. I have achieved the life level of living without an adult roommate. As a full time single parent, I don’t have a lot of time to dive deep into my self discovery. However, the construction of my little Empire has given me the tools I’ve needed to create the woman I could only dream of becoming.

During the rare occasions that I got to sit in complete solitude, surrounded by my own little piece of Heaven, I have discovered something that I think I knew all along. I very much enjoy my own company.

Not a lot of people can sit with themselves in silence. As a matter of fact, most of the relationships I managed to escape from I have found a common denominator in the characteristics of these individuals… Me.. and my destructive desire to attract wounded men. I was drawn to men who’s insecurities created a phobia of the person they see in the mirror. And through the reflection of that, I realized that it was because I refused to look deep into myself as well.

So how do I combat the patterns of continuously ending up with the same man? By staring down the woman looking back at me once and for all. By creating a woman who was so comfortable with herself that she no longer accepted the breadcrumbs of being a space holder. By becoming so solid in her

own solitude, that I didn't need to continue to settle. I could create a woman that felt so content at being by herself that I could finally wait for the man that was also solid within himself. A man that doesn’t need to fill in his insecurities by feeding off of insecure women.

So, until a man that does not fear his own monsters comes along, I will continue to sit in the silence. I will focus on turning myself into the woman I want to be. I’ll listen to the dark parts of my deepest fears and insecurities, and I will love them unconditionally. I’ll dig up every deep wound and face each one of them fearlessly because I refuse to fear any parts of myself. I’ll kick down the walls that hide my own monsters and I’ll let them roam free in the silence with me. When others run from the loud voices in their heads, I’ll sing along with them at the top of my lungs.

And if the man I truly desire never comes along, I’ll be perfectly ok in this solitude because I know how to maintain this Empire on my own. My demons and I will have Alice in Wonderland inspired tea parties and we’ll all dance on my kitchen table. I'll sit by myself in the discomfort of not knowing my next move because I’ll figure it out all on my own. When the lights go out I wont beg for a man to save me because I would have already spent so much time alone in the dark. I’ll stare that danger down while I throw back a shot of tequila.

I’ll fix my broken parts, hang up my skeletons for the rest of the world to admire, raise my dragon, bake, clean, and decorate to my heart's content. I’ll discover new depths of myself, re-create myself over and over, and continue to build my empire from the ground up. To the world I may be just a crazy moon witch, but fortunately for me, I'm going to love every single minute of it.