Simply Me.

I'll start this off by saying that if I had to choose a word for this next year on Vocal, it would be Discovery. Vocal has been my breakthrough for my writing. What I mean by that, is I have enjoyed writing since I can remember. As a child, and into my teens I loved writing poems and song lyrics, and eventually started writing fictional love stories. But then I became an adult, and that life hit me like a freight train. Writing fell on the back burner for many years, even though I still had a desire deep down to continue it. I always let life get in the way though. And then, in my early 30's I ran across the Vocal platform. A spark lit back up in me, just a small one though. Because unfortunately at the time I was stuck in an unhealthy addiction which consumed my time and energy. So I signed up for the yearly subscription, and started to write. And boy did I write, for several months in fact. But sadly a year down the road I looked at my progress, and all I had to show for it were a bunch of unfinished drafts. I was going through so much I didn't really have the ability or attention span to commit myself to what I so badly wanted to do. With that being said, and before I can talk about my goals and aspirations for this new year on Vocal, I need to give you a bit more insight into my past.

I have two amazingly beautiful daughters, they will be 14 and 16 this year. Due to my addiction, I lost them several years ago. But I went to a treatment program for 9 months, worked my ass off to become a better person, and won them back. That was one of the most fulfilling moments in my life. But I was a single mother, and life started to kick me in the face again. Long story short, I was not in the position to pay for after-school child care. And with my full-time job, my girls were at home for a bit alone after school. So besides the fact that it was already a sketchy school, some things ended up happening at home while I was still at work that made me realize I needed help. Their paternal grandparent’s at the time, were my only solution. They offered me a deal, they would take them to their city and my girls would go to school and stay there until middle school, or until I was able to afford child care. I felt like that was the best choice at the time, but it absolutely crushed me. I felt like I lost them all over again, and it didn't take long before the loneliness and heartache got the better of me, and I slipped up. I ended up getting sober again, but it was a little too late. Their grandma had never cared for me, because she wanted her son to marry an LDS woman, but instead she got me. So she was all too happy to take advantage of the situation and take custody of my girls. Don't get me wrong, there was a decent period of time where I don't blame her for doing that. I was not in the right place to be a good parent. And I'll always be grateful to her for stepping up when I couldn't. Where I struggle with it, is I've been doing well for quite a while now, but I am still not allowed to see or speak to them. It's been a couple of years since I've seen them, and those two years are not ones I'm proud of. I was stuck, lost as to where to go, because I have always identified myself as “Mother”. So without my kids I really had no purpose, nor any desire to find one. So I got stuck in a deep depression and became stagnant at moving my life forward in any direction, I was just going through the motions of getting through each day.

December, of 2022 that changed though. I left a 5 year relationship that was just dragging me down, and decided it was time to start trying to live again. Then 6 months ago, I got back on Vocal. I deleted all my half-ass drafts, and decided to finally put my voice into the world. Writing on Vocal helped me realize how much of an outlet writing is for me, it helps me process and vent in ways that I struggle to do vocally. It has helped me speak things aloud I didn't know how to voice in other ways, and has become a great coping skill for me. Part of the reason I have relapsed in the past, was from having too much stuffed deep inside myself, and it eventually would become overwhelming to the point that I just needed it to go away. And seeing as I was raised with the belief that we don't express our problems or feelings, I did not have the healthy coping tools I needed to get through life in a healthy way. I took the direction I knew. But things are different now, and I finally feel confident in my ability to manage my life and its circumstances without having to numb myself out. In fact, I've learned to embrace the struggles and pains in life, and instead use them as lessons to grow into a better version of myself every day. So writing on Vocal has become a big part of my life that I use anytime I need to let something out.

I recently had some lab tests run by my doctor, and the results showed that I am in the third stage of Chronic kidney disease. I have Cystinuria, which has caused me to pass over 200 kidney stones in my life, and because of that I have had over 20 surgeries for them. I was warned years ago by my urologist that I may someday have to be put on the transplant list. So in a way, I expected something like this to happen. Just not at 34 years old. It really put some things into perspective for me, and made me realize just how much I've taken time and life for granted. So this year I really am going to spend as much time writing on Vocal as I can, really diving into myself and figuring some shit out. Exploring who I am as a person, and trying to make a name for myself that people will remember. I want to evoke emotion from people, and create pieces that make them really feel it inside. I want to make them question things and see different perspectives. I want to make a lasting impression, so that eventually when I am gone, people are still coming back to read my work.

So how does this year on Vocal play into all of this? Well I plan to use the platform to start to build myself another identity besides "Mother”. Until my kids are old enough to decide for themselves if I am worthy enough to be in their life, I need to start focusing on myself and who I want to be as a person. And especially who I want them to be introduced to, if they do choose to be a part of my life again. And “Writer” has always appealed to me, plus has always been a dream of mine. I have two books in mind that I plan to start writing this year. A personal one, dedicated to my daughter's, and a fiction piece that I've had an idea about for the last couple of years. So my plan is to use Vocal to really practice and hone in on my writing skills, to find where I thrive, and find where there can be improvement. I have not yet won a challenge, but I have not expected to either, as I know I still have a lot to learn. But I have made top story a handful of times, and those moments I cherish, because it shows me I'm on the right track. It has helped me with the motivation to keep going, and not give up in pursuing this dream of being a successful writer. I have made it a goal to win, or at least place in at least one Vocal challenge this year, I don't know if I will enter every one, but at least the ones that feel right, and I will give it my all. Even if I don’t end up winning, I won't take it to heart, or let it discredit my work. Because there are so many other amazing writers that enter, so it would be irrational to take it personally. I am still going to make the effort though!

I'm so grateful to the Vocal community, and how much support I have received from so many people on here. Building positive connections is something I've greatly needed in my life. And Vocal has been a great start. I love reading other people's work on here, there are so many amazing and inspirational writers. They also motivate me to continue to write, and strive to push my creative limits. I don't have any pledges yet, but I would like to change that this year by really giving it my all, and giving my readers a reason to want to pledge.

I've written a couple pieces called “Letters to my daughter's.” I plan on continuing those letters, as they will be pieces included in the book I'm writing for them. This is a place that I find to be a safe space to express them, while also perfecting them for the book.

As far as my impact on Vocal, I want to make a big impression. I have had a very challenging life, and made some questionable choices. Many people I have known from a young age have made comments about how I was set up for failure. I want to be open and write about those experiences, because I know I'm not alone. I want to share my experiences for people to know that making mistakes is part of the human condition. And that if you have failed in the past, that changing course and finding a better, happier path in life is still a possibility. It's never too late to fight to be something better. I'm making a choice to break the mold of generational cycles that have run through my family for a long time. Along with breaking out of old programming that was forced upon me since I was a young child. I'm choosing that no matter what the outcome of my future is, that I will have made the most of whatever time I do have left in my life. That I will be able to take my last breath with a smile, and a huge amount of love and pride.

Thank you all once again, for all your support. It truly means the world to me.