Reframing Failure - Turning Your Disappointments into Building Blocks

Picture it:

Santa Cruz, CA, the year is 2022

It’s May, a nice spring day

And

It’s the Toastmasters District 101 Conference and I am a contestant.

It’s my second time getting to the District Conference and I really want to make it to the next stage. Winning the Toastmasters International Speech Contest is a personal goal I’ve made for myself. It’s been on my bucket list and on my vision board for the past two years.

Last year, I had failed at this very level, the District Conference. I had thought a lot about that experience learning what I could and expanding on that knowledge for this coming years contest. And I felt GOOD about it.

But I did not win. Again.

Not only that, I didn’t even place. Again.

I felt really disappointed.

For about two minutes.

Because after a couple of moments of recognizing that lowness, I reminded myself – There is no such thing as Failure, there is only Winning and Learning. Since I didn’t win, it was time to get learning.

Last year, I focused a great deal of my learning on what I had done wrong and I worked on adjustments to not make those same mistakes. I’ll do the same this year, and I will also take the time to learn from the other contestant’s speeches – paying closer attention to the winners and identifying what they do that works that I can learn from and apply to my own speaking skills. There is so much to learn when you take the time to stop, evaluate and process your experiences.

While watching these other videos, I will not compare myself to other contestants, I will learn from them. For I know,

“Comparing yourself to others is a fool’s game, and will steal your joy. The only person to compare yourself to you is the person you were yesterday.” – Johann ML Brown

I could compare myself to Lindy MacLaine, who won the conference, who has made it to the international stage before and is now on her way once again, I could compare myself to other contestants who have been in Toastmasters more than twice as long as me and in multiple clubs and therefore much more seasoned, which will only lead to me feeling bad or questioning myself or I can stay focused on my reverse gap. looking back to see how far I’ve grown and celebrating all the little wins as they come along.

Too often we compare our beginning or middle to someone else’s end. We are too hard on ourselves. The only question to be asking yourself is, what have I done for learning today? What can I do today that will help me be better at x tomorrow? And then celebrate every little win that comes your way. Keep your focus on how far YOU have come, keep your focus on your growth, on that reverse gap – this is a secret to success – staying focused on yourself and what you can control helps keep you in the game and it is the secret to enjoying that journey - whatever anyone else is doing, it has nothing to do with you and your personal story.

When I look at my own reverse gap from last year’s contest to this year’s contest – let alone from when I started with Toastmasters - it’s immense. When I started with Toastmasters, my knees and hands literally shook before every talk, every meeting was like my body was electrified with fear, but this was a skill I wanted to master so I slowly stumbled along growing incrementally. Last year I made it to the District 101 conference for the International Speech Contest, and I practiced that speech over and over and over again because I was super nervous and not fully confident. I’ll admit, I was a little bit intense. I was nervous and excited all rolled into one – but I could absolutely feel those pinging emotions.

This year, my personal growth in terms of comfort was profound – the nervousness was gone and there was only excitement – excitement and readiness to be sharing my message and an inner knowing that this is what I want to be doing in my life.

I don’t need the judge’s approval to be valuable. Just like you don’t need others approval to be valuable.

There are countless ways rejection or failure will come in life, for everyone at some point or another, and that’s ok. Do not let that feed your soul negatively. Instead, let us learn how to deal with rejection from the likes of the great Stephen King. When Stephen started writing he put a nail in the wall and would hang each rejection letter on it. When the letters got to be too heavy for the nail, he got himself a spike and every time a rejection letter would come in, he’d throw that rejection letter onto the spike and then he would keep writing, keeping moving forward with what he wanted to do with his life. I would like to suggest we all create our own personal mental spike.

Picture, it in your mind right now. What does it look like?

Every time you experience a moment of rejection, mentally take that moment and throw it on your spike. Remind yourself it’s ok, every single person in this world has their own rejections spike, and then keep moving forward. I want you to own that mental rejection spike with pride as the only way that rejection pile will rise is if you are out there personally growing, learning and trying - and people, that is where magic happens. I guarantee you, every single successful person out there has a mountain of a rejection spike. Story after story has proven that our success grows by learning from the ashes of failure and rejection.

So that is where the District 101 2022 Speech Contest lives for me now, speared onto my own rejection spike, nestled around other epic efforts that fell slightly short. I will continue moving forward. My rejection spike is a beautiful thing, it’s a mental representation of my personal growth. For with every addition to the spike, I learn something new and become a slightly better me.

I hope you’ll let it represent that for you as well.