New years reflection

Exploring Femininity

“The divine feminine is the warrior and the healer concealed within a womanly package” -anonymous

As we wrap up 2022 and head into a new year, I wanted to take some time to reflect on some aspects of my life as a young woman living in Canada; and begin to dissect areas I hope to focus on in the new year.

Of course to some extent most of these things are very personal to me and don’t apply to the entirety of my peers. I will explore this self-reflection in part 2 of this mini-series.

There remained a couple topics which I believe target most of my fellow ladies out there, ranging from solidifying our place in society and being heard as opposed to being seen; through today’s topic of femininity.

When we think about femininity I would hazard a guess that words like dress, heels, jewellery, makeup, sensual, body type, etc; are likely running through your mind. I think today's societal expectation of women is poorly considered, and not thought out correctly. To assume women should be caretakers, that we must look and act a certain way, and to see women as being a lady of the house who primarily represents barefoot and pregnant as opposed to the powerhouses we truly are, is preposterous.

Let me preface I don’t entirely agree with where feminism resides today- however, I do agree that the expectations are out of whack and as a society, we need to rewrite the story so that women can be represented accurately in society.

I recently read a quote and I think it will outline my thoughts well as I continue writing this article–

“When a woman is awakened, she honours her truth as opposed to being afraid to speak her truth. She knows her worth rather than having no self-worth at all. She sets boundaries instead of tolerating toxicity. She is validated from within rather than seeking external validation. She inspires others to shine instead of being a people pleaser. She lives unapologetically” - Anonymous

There are some key points in that quote I hope to shed some light on, but before I dive into that, this article is not about feminism. This is about accepting the reality of what is in our control as women, and as such we must be ready and willing to explore our femininity and to outwardly express confidence. We cannot expect the world to change for us, until we change ourselves first. I think this is why I don’t entirely side with feminism in today's society- I feel that in order to fight the fight we must embody the goal first.

So what is the goal if not to promote feminism? The goal in my eyes is to embrace our femininity and to exude confidence. I feel we begin combatting societal norms and expectations by exploring and owning our femininity, which is different for each woman.

Let’s start first with acknowledging the standards that our society expects of us- We are expected to dress and present in a specific way, as well as to be polite and oftentimes to remain non-confrontational. We are asked to wear dresses, heels, lingerie, jewellery etc, to remain properly shaved and to use makeup and hair products to ensure we look a certain way both outside and beneath our garments.

Firstly, if that is what makes any woman feel confident and beautiful then perfect, wear those heels, rock that dress and own your worth. However, if you’re like me those standards simply do not align with my idea of femininity personally, and while on some occasions I enjoy getting all dolled up, most of the time I want to exude my feminine energy from within as opposed to from outward expression.

This leads me to our first topic, the art of sexy. To portray sexily, does not align with wearing tight clothes or showing off our bodies outwardly, representing sexy is through confidence. Statistically more people found confidence sexier than the clothing and/or garments being worn. Today we associate sexy with the objectification of woman kind, we associate sex appeal with showing off everything we have from the jump rather than leaving parts to the imagination. As stated in the quote- “she is validated from within rather than seeking external validation”. Validation should never be attached to, or determined by anything externally. It is very achievable to be sexy without disregarding our validation. Finding confidence is the key to this, and identifying our individual needs as a woman. Personally, I feel my most sensual and beautiful in loose or even baggy garments. This could be my favourite sweats and hoodie, or a chunky cardigan with jeans or a dress. I feel most beautiful when I leave something to the imagination, allowing for some mystery to be seen and allowing minds to wander rather than showing it all off at once. One of my favourite outfits is sweatpants or shorts, paired with a baggy t-shirt, but to wear lingerie underneath. The way lingerie makes me feel is what I love about it. But let me be clear; I wear lingerie for me, not for anyone else. Most of the time I wear lingerie and nobody even knows.

For me, outward expression is one of the top things on my list of importance, not because I actually care what others think of how I look, but because I hope to allow my confidence to shine outwardly and publicly without giving everything away from the jump.

I truly believe anyone can master the art of sexy, and it doesn’t always align with societal expectations. I found a breakdown helped me identify my personal art of sexy, and now I’m going to share it with you–

Step 1- Learn my body shape, and identify different areas I want to highlight, specifically areas that I am confident about. For me, the standouts were my legs, my hip/pelvis region, and my collarbone area as well. I established ways to highlight these areas, some were seasonal, but overall I listed basics. Necklaces, specifically simple gold chains, can be worn any time of the year and they highlight my collarbone area well, even under sweatshirts or tees that don’t leave the area open. That little sparkle shines through and draws attention to the area. With regards to my lower half, I often go one of two ways, either a baggy top with tight shorts or pants, or alternatively baggy bottoms with a tighter top. Over time I have also found ways to find and feel sexy even when I throw both rules out the window and I wear an entirely baggy or oversized outfit. I have adjusted basic parts to bring a classy and confident look to the table even when the garments themselves don’t follow my base rules. Typically I will accessorise more heavily, for example, adding jewellery, or certain colours that make me feel confident. (colour will be the next topic). I would likely wear nicer sneakers or footwear that compliments the colour scheme. Personally, my art of sexy is most benefited through my confidence level as opposed to how I look. Hence the saying ‘confidence is sexy’.

Step 2- Identify my skin tone and learn the nuance of colour. Colour plays a huge role in confidence, and it is a very impactful way to complement your inner confidence. Firstly begin to identify your skin's undertone, either cool or warm tones. Personally, my skin has a warm undertone, and it is suited best to warmer colours, and darker neutrals. Next, I tried to identify which colours both complimented my skin tone as well as aligned with my confidence. In terms of neutrals, I air most to the side of blacks, browns and nudes. I often select warm colours over cool, for example, red. I LOVE red. Red is a bold statement colour, and it never goes unnoticed. This works well for me, especially since my overall personality is bold, very witty and quite collected. I will often wear darker cool tones such as dark or royal blues, dark emerald greens and very warm purple tones such as plum shades. My top colours of choice include reds of any shade, dark blues and greens, plum or wine-like purples, as well as muted warm tones and dark neutrals. These are the colours that align best with my outward and inward confidence. No matter the shape, size or fit, colours bring something different to the table and that is why step two revolves around colour. With regard to jewellery, I personally prefer rose gold or yellow gold, both compliment my skin tone well and they are the pieces I feel most confident in. Take your time with this step, it can be challenging to identify what suits you best, be patient with yourself and remember things are always fluid and may change over time.

Step 3- This is arguably the hardest step. Pride. This step has nothing to do with any physicality or anything that the naked eye could ever see. Pride. If you want the above steps to work for you rather than against you, you must find pride in what you’re doing. You must exude pride from your pores, because above and beyond anything else, confidence comes from pride. You have to be willing to defend yourself in this world, and truth be told the only thing standing in our way is pride. I actively choose pride day in and day out. I choose to be proud of who I am, who I am becoming and how I portray myself to the world. For me being a woman has nothing to do with aligning myself with societal norms or with mens ideology of women. Being a woman is powerful, it’s fierce and it’s pride. Find what makes you feel proud, beautiful and strong, and never allow society to cause you to falter. Find your pride, and allow it to pour out of you, allow your pride to carry you through tough moments and brighten up dark days. There is no right or wrong with this step, and while I wish there were specific instructions, really this step comes down to you, and only you.

The quote I shared with you makes mention of honouring truth and living unapologetically. As women, society has mapped out our truth and left us grouped together through the eyes of men who know nothing about femininity whatsoever. Let me be very crystal clear- This is not man versus woman, and not all men lack understanding. There are a great many wonderful men out there supporting us. The key is not allowing yourself as a woman or as a man to be naive in assuming that society actually has the power. Every single person has the power, and the tools, it is a simple matter of taking ownership of those and using it for good and positive things.

Being a woman we must be able to identify our individual truth, and then to unapologetically honour such. Another quote I love is “She is a wild tangled forest with temples and treasures concealed within”- John Mark Green

This quote stood out to me because it outlines my thoughts perfectly. To state she is a wild tangled forest, in my mind represents a woman living in today's society where everything is tangled, messy and convoluted. I think it can be challenging to exude confidence, power or strength when no matter where you turn there are wild twists and turns. As women, we have so much potential, so much pride and so much nurture to give back to this world, but we keep it concealed behind a wall of societal expectations and outlines of what we are ‘supposed’ to be, rather than allowing us the room to be what we truly are and to express ourselves as individuals.

The reason this is the first of three parts in my new years' reflection is because, I think we as women, as individuals need to take a deeper look at what femininity is and how we can use it to our advantage. I think there are way too many people in this world who lack the true power behind exploring femininity. Figuring out your individual feminism and then using it to be the best version of yourself is where we find true strength and a true ability to move forward collectively. In a world where division is so prominent, we must utilise our individuality to prosper rather than add to the divisive society around us. This applies not only to feminism but also to every social issue ranging from racism to ableism. I believe the key to our success moving forward is combating these social issues without putting those around us down and using our hearts and minds to liberate society rather than continue to weigh it down at other's expense.

So, this is the first part of my 3 part series leading up to 2023. This is the starting line. This is where we begin. This is allowing ourselves to identify, and understand our inner and outer femininity, and then manipulating that information for our benefit. This is the crucial foundation we must develop before we take the next steps.

To recap, I am sharing this information so that hopefully someone is able to use it to their advantage. As I approach 2023 I encourage myself and everyone else to remain open-minded and to use self-criticism to benefit the final goal. For me, that goal is confidence, happiness and to continue growing as an individual. I hope these articles provide some food for thought, and that other women' will be able to take something positive away from these words. I can only hope that as we write our stories in 2023 we are all able to write stories and events into a reality that is genuinely positive and supports the world around us as it continues to be forever changing.

Remember ladies, you are powerful, and you deserve at least as much as anyone else, but don’t abuse that power and proceed to put down men in the process. Find your fierce femininity and embrace it, but do not allow yourself to use that freedom to negatively impact anything or anyone. Be confident, not cocky. Be strong but not at anyone's expense. Be proud without becoming egotistical. Be bold, without dimming someone else's light. Be unapologetic but do not intend pain upon another. Be fierce, but don’t allow it to cloud your judgement.

Become a shining star from your darkness and, inspire others to shine brightly as well. Wear your scars with pride, let them represent your strength, and allow that strength to lend a hand to those in need of help.

The one thing that society got right about us women as a whole is that we are both nurture and nature. Use your feminine energy to nurture others, and allow the strength of being a woman to foster an environment that also nurtures all forms of life.