I’m All Out of F*ck’s

The article that inspired mine is by Vocal creator Dana Crandell who recently placed a very well deserved Top Story for his comical and satirical essay entitled “Are We Out of F*ck’s Yet?” and has all of Vocal talking about it! I’m already noticing references in other people’s articles 😁

If you haven’t been around here this weekend and missed it, start here 😉

I feel I ought to begin by pointing out that I am Scottish. Which to anyone unaware of the Scottish, this means I was practically born swearing.

Okay, of course I exaggerate slightly but I do want to strongly convey that swearing was everywhere around me growing up.

But don’t mistake this for meaning I was sweating from a young age. Oh no! Us Scots are big lovers of the double standard. We kind of live by them. (I also don’t really think this is a Scottish thing…it’s a human thing 😉). Parents seem to miss the glaringly obvious fact that children don’t desperately want to bond with a better version of you. They want to bond with you. Which to them means becoming like you. Flaws, swearing and all.

Dana actually articulates my own upbringing rather perfectly when he writes;

In my world, if that word [fuck] had escaped my lips at home, I would never have made it to the door. I've been making up for it ever since

Which is a quote that is going to serve this article nicely - as it helps me to introduce my postulation as to why swearing is so prevalent in our generation.

• Inner Child Rebellion 😵‍💫

But let’s begin by warming up to this understanding with some more background because I’m a little concerned that my conclusions will be a teeny tiny bit triggering to flocks of swearing parents who will be soon at my door with fire and pitch forks. (Good luck finding it 😅 My mountain cave is pretty well hidden 😉)

On a more honest note - triggered people driven by attachment and ego quickly become mean people. And I’ve had enough of that in my life. And I’ve had enough of staying silent on topics that warrant discussion out of fear of this!

Let’s just remember words on paper and ideas are just that. They only gain meaning or can be taken as a personal attack if you allow them to be. I am writing this article with the intention to raise what I believe will be an unpopular perspective on an important issue that we don’t ever discuss. But in this world? That’s pretty surely where truth is found. Right in the heart of what’s unpopular.

So let’s discuss!

Dana’s article, which was light and fun, didn’t have lasting light and fun resonance with me. I was in the comments section and realising that most of us were justifying our swearing, in full acceptance of it and in complete ignorance of any harmful downsides.

Dana raises the question of overuse;

I don't think less of anyone for including it. I simply wonder sometimes if we aren't overdoing it a bit.

and it is this that I want to take a step further. A giant step further. Maybe more of a “we are gonna need a bridge for that” kind of step forward. I too feel the need to as a disclaimer that I don’t think less of anyone for using it. For feckels sake… I still catch myself swearing! It’s a strong program that is taking years to overcome. So yes, I look to us all through a lens of compassion and not criticism.

(There is a distinctive difference between these two!)

But - even on saying this - our brains are wired to summarise information we receive. It’s not something you can stop (or would want to - that is life!). We make judgements about that information based upon what you feel and know, and there is a lot of insight to be gained about a person from the words they (choose or unconsciously) use.

Whether and how someone uses the work fuck provides us with a rather large window into who they are and where they came from; just as one could gain a great deal of insight into someone who refers to a particular low economic social group as “these people”.

The language we use absolutely does tell people what’s inside us. Which every writer surely must agree with! It’s what we do after all. We play with and manipulate words, the order of words, the flow of our words, the tone of words, and we convey meaning with them, we set scenes, paint pictures and convey atmospheres. Frack we can entirely alter someone’s emotional state just by using certain letters and symbols in a certain way.

A word is to the writer as paint is to the artist, or a chord to the musician. You cannot look at a colour, hear a single note or word and not be affected by it. We are affected by every input signal that comes our way.

Yes many people have developed ‘thick skin’ (a euphemism for having severely dampened down or detached from their vital human emotional sensitivity - alcohol use contributes heavily to this). If this wasn’t a majority - this would be considered a serious disorder. Instead we have the minority of sensitive and normal people in therapy questioning themselves for not being so detached. It’s utter lunacy.

I know it would take a book to convey a full understanding of why swearing is so damaging to us personally, to our relationships and to our societies, so I won’t attempt that. I am going to try to instead offer the chapter titles and should you wish to research further to prove or attempt to disprove them, you of course can.

Remember this before becoming a keyboard defence warrior in the comments section. Pause to consider for a moment; could this be true? Could I learn more about this? Is it possible this does fit for me or others even though I want to reject it? If there’s tension in your body, that’s a sure sign your ego has been triggered. Breathe. No one is attacking you. These are just words and ideas and no one is insisting you agree or disagree. Keep your curiosity open and let’s begin!

We collectively deem something socially acceptable if a majority partake, regardless of why we do it or whether it’s healthy.

And I really feel our collective conversations NEED to become about what is and is not healthy as a matter of urgency.

[Any world statistics for preventable mortality or prevalence of disease will academically back this statement.]

At present we are still being divided by bots on media throwing out controversial opinions which keep us focused on defending what we have a right to do…. Not actually questioning whether we ought to be doing from a point of best practice, what works or what is ideal. How rare it is for a person to bring the discussion back to why we do what we do and whether that is sensible or requires intervention.

I mean, I have a right to drink coke from morning till night. Should the conversation become about my weight gain from it, the addiction symptoms being ill managed by doctors or defending fat is beautiful and so forth… or should we just cut out a lot of needless conversation and debate by coming back to the main points - Why am I doing that and is it healthy?

Don’t even get me started on people and their “right” to hold onto anger 🙄

So…

Back to swearing.

Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck off, fuck yes, fuck no, fucking hell, what the fuck, why the fuck, who the fuck, where the fuck, how the fuck are all just rather normal words and everyday expressions that appear in pretty much any average conversation in Scottish culture, specifically for my generation (child of 1987).

I grew up around a public bar from the age of 10 which you could argue exposed me to swearing more than most children, but that wouldn’t actually be true. Ironically people would try to be careful not to swear when I was there. Which of course only further fuels the FOMO within us and makes us feel we are missing out on some clever adult only thing that we want to now be part of. With no actual understanding of any of that. Triggering that ‘stubbornness’ within every child which says “I’m grown up enough to do what you’re doing”. (This all loops back to attachment and wanting to feel included. We become the people we spend time around)

The City of Perth (where I went to high school) is considered somewhat snobby and rich but the truth is there are a lot of deprived areas and housing schemes that are home to rough families with severe addiction, anger and, well, every kind of issue really.

But in Scotland we don’t just swear out of drunkenness, obvious anger and frustration. No, no. We like to swear as much as we possibly can. Which brings us back to my postulation that this culture was born from a large, poorly educated and immature working class rebelling against parental restrictions (post-war parenting was typically neglectful, strict and abusive - and severely affected generations to come).

In brief? Try this food for thought.

The war created a hugely traumatised generation. The absence of fathers and their subsequent return whilst suffering PTSD and having been subjected to unspeakable horrors did not make for warm, supportive, nurturing parental figures. Given the widespread poverty, lack of work and financial pressures on those men, monsters were created of them.

Little boys learned what being a man was from these broken, dysfunctional men. They too grew up to be broken and dysfunctional, but in different ways. There was a stronger rebellious streak within then. Being out of the house and away from a restrictive and suffocating atmosphere meant for rather wild adventures. And swearing was an obvious part of that package.

There is a book I read years ago called Born Liars. It was a study of children - comparing those who are raised in strict environments to those raised in environments devoid of consequences. What they found was that the children in stricter environments learned to lie far better than those who have no fear of consequences.

The conclusions of this study were fascinating and not only applicable to this one outcome on lying. Think about this. The pendulum always swings furthest when it’s pushed to an extreme. It will always swing the other way. The wildest people in university days were often the ones who came from the strictest homes. The people who are most considerate often came from the homes that were devoid of consideration. Etc.

To take us on another path, one that is perhaps unique to the Scots?

Swearing can also be considered a term of endearment in middle / working class circles. Common examples would include;

“He’s a gid cunt” (translates as “he’s a good guy, a good person, you can rely on or trust him).

“What’s that Jimmy? Your away to Lanzarote on your holidays? Fuck off!” (This is like saying in a light/ joking way - I’m jealous your away on holiday! I wish I was going. That’s brilliant. Etc)

And in a culture that is starved of compliments and genuine male connection, this became the language men would use to connect with each other. And you can be certain that it doesn’t take long for women starved of male affection to learn this and use their language to try to enter their world. To become “cool”. To find some sense of value amongst those who have no understanding of what value is.

I’m reminded to another point Dana made in his article

I've never been a huge supporter of the old “Profanity is the last resort of a weak mind.” adage

Well, it certainly sounds good to say this. It’s certainly something I would profuse to agree with if I was looking to make friends with the masses, because to disagree is to essentially attack a majority. Not the cleverest thing to do really.

But what if we just analyse this for a second.

Is profanity the first resort of a strong mind?

Is it?

Isn’t a strong mind one that is NOT easily triggered into emotional reaction? Isn’t a strong mind one that has a wide array of beautiful language at its disposal. A mind that would seek to uplift. To educate. To set a higher bench mark. To inspire.

I want you to really consider how it feels to swear or be in the presence of someone who is swearing.

I want you to compare this feeling to choosing to finding alternatives to swearing.

What happens if you spend a week consciously choosing to avoid all swearing. To replace those words with silly alternatives.

What the frack….!

Floofsticks!

Tiddlemewinks!

Jumping jellyfish!

How the fekkles…?!

Oh my Santa!

I guarantee you will immediately be inviting more laughter into your life. At yourself, with yourself and with others. You won’t be feeling ashamed in front of children. You will actually be starting a game that they too can play. You won’t be bringing down the atmosphere, you will be raising it up.

Which of these two sounds like something a stronger mind would choose?

And more importantly, how does it feel?