I am in control of my self-control.

People hear self-control and assume not having it is a problem. But when you are self aware of yourself, are you really out of control? If you know why you do the things that you do, and you can recognize the signs of you starting to get out of control, isn't that a sign that you are learning self-control? Is there something that you can do when you are feeling out of control, something you can do to transfer that lack of control, somewhere else?

What happens to you when you feel yourself losing control? Do you feel extra energy? Do you feel like you need to do something erratic and crazy because you have urges you can't, nor want to control? But, who gets hurt when you get out of control? The people around you? Yourself? For me, I self-sabotage and usually end up getting other people involved. Obviously, that is the unhealthy version of the lack of self-control urges that I had.

I had to find something to do...something that also satisfied my urges but didn't hurt anybody else. But, when your urges are things like...sex, drugs, self-harm, and partying. Especially during the Covid-19 outbreak and everything being closed, it's not like I can just go out of the house and go anywhere I wanted.

I imagine....me driving, (which is silly, because I don't drive at all, but for the sake of the example, we will go with it) and I have full control over my vehicle. It starts raining, really hard all of a sudden. I turn my wind shield wipers on and slow down my speed to about 30 mph, making sure I have full control over the vehicle. I am now aware that the roads are slippery and my vision is impaired because of the weather. I see the rain, I feel the car losing grip of the road. It is VERY obvious that I now have less control than I did just a few moments ago.

When your mind starts to lose control, whether it is because of a mental illness, too much alcohol, or you just simply enjoy instant gratification, your body and mind show signs of it before anything drastic happens. Any time I would lose control and do something stupid, I wouldn't think twice about anything. I would want something and then get it. Who cares if I need to pay my phone bill next week, I want pizza today and have just enough money to get it. That is not wise, yet I do it anyway because my mind is all "pizza pizza pizza" and that is it. My heart is racing, and I slowly picture myself ordering the pizza. Then, my mind fast-forwards to next week when I try to pay my phone bill and do not have enough, and my phone gets shut off. Then there is that nasty re-activation fee...

Your mind is not stupid. Your mind does not have a lack of self-control. If you just live your life going "oh yeah, haha, I have horrible self-control", eventually, it just becomes an excuse as to why you do stupid things. I only realized this recently...and I am 26. I always just assumed, because of my mental illness, it is literally a symptom of at least 3 of my disorders...that a lack of self-control is just a part of who I am. I never wondered WHY I did the things I did, just that it was the result of no self-control.

You see the rain pour down harder, your wheels lose traction and your car starts going sideways on the highway. You slow down, grip the wheel, and prepare for the worst. Your heart is racing, your life flashes before your eyes, and you end up in a ditch on the side of the road. Sometimes life will throw lemons at you, and no matter how hard you try to avoid being hit by them, they punch you directly in the face. This is self-control, or the lack there of. Something bad might happen, and it might be your fault, but it is usually avoidable if you just think about the future.

A lack of self-control does not usually include thoughts about the future, and that was my problem. Acting impulsively and only doing what feels right in the moment is how you make stupid decisions and are left with regret.

THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE, FOLKS.

I didn't want too, hence why I got $100 in take out this week and can't pay my rent. I also have no job except blog post writing and the occasional side job, and I love my instant gratification. So, this is a step by step and a lengthy process. First, I started wondering...what will happen tomorrow?

What would happen if the love of my life found out? What would her face look like if she knew I made another mistake? She would be so disappointed in me. She would not be happy. I should care about other people's happiness too. I should know that when I hurt, they hurt also. They are hurting right along with me, side by side.

What would happen if my daughter found out? What if she asks questions? She is almost 9, and is not ready for some of the things I would have to tell her if she asked the right questions. How does one tell a child about self-harm scars? It can't be "got into a fight with the cats" forever, eventually she is going to hit that age where she knows that's BS. This thought alone has stopped me from doing this to myself. It won't always work, because self-harm is an addiction, and an addiction is a disease. But...one step at a time.

What happens when I schedule a photo-shoot with a new photographer and they see my scars? Will they judge me? Will they remove them when editing my photos? Will they ask about them? Do I want people to see them? Do I want people to know how bad I am struggling right now? Do I have an answer for them as to why?

In order to have self-control, you need to think about other people too. This decision, this decision to buy this product for no reason when I only have a credit card left and no money to pay it off...think about how that will effect your credit score when you miss that payment. I was so close to 700...so close to paying off my debt...and bam, $500 at Walmart. Got cute clothes but no job to pay my bill. That came out today, actually. Huh.

Future.

Future.

Future.

Sometimes I think I don't have one, so what does it matter? But 2020 has changed me a lot, and I lost way too many people to split second decisions and I won't allow myself to be another lost soul, dying too young because I wanted instant gratification. Yes, we could all die tomorrow. Yes, anything can happen in a day. No, you may not get a last meal, or to say goodbye to your animals or kids. So, what do you do, right now? Love the people around you.

If someone tells you, your f****** up, listen and do something about it. If you made someone you love cry and feel pain, listen to them and do something about it. Change. Be a better person. It won't happen overnight, nothing can change that quick. But...step by step, before you make that split second decision, feel your body, picture the future, think about it. A lack of self-control does NOT include thinking, self-control is easily obtained by just THINKING a little harder and a little longer before making a huge decision.

It's raining, your going 80 on the highway, your vision is impaired and you decide to keep going 80 because you are going to be late for a dinner party. Stupid. THINK. You can't see, the roads are slippery. A car next to you pulls off to the side of the road slowly, and waits for the rain to calm down. DO THE SAME. Is that dinner party more important than You speeding on a highway when it's raining out and you can't see, is stupid. Your friends will understand that the weather made you late, but at least you arrived, safe and alive.

Sometimes your life is more important than your instant gratification. And, your mind is SO powerful, that it CAN develop self-control. If you just THINK a bit harder.