How to Move to a City You Don’t Want to Move to

Three weeks ago, me and my soulmate moved home. Though sometimes it feels more like a wholesome Air BnB owned by somebody who has pinched all of our belongings and filled it with our existential innards, rather than “home.”

The whole move, the transition process, it sucks. I’ve struggled. Still am. But in the moments of stillness, when my writhing and wrestling soul is having a breather, flannel on its forehead as its opponent — The Big Change — sits and smiles kindly at it, blood pooling on its lips: that’s when I turn to what has helped me through all this. The moments of reprieve that have provided some relief in and amongst all this madness.

Now, the major healer is my Ben — ironically, he’s the reason we moved, too — and at 5pm when his little Brummie face bounds in through our Liverpudlian doors after work, I can breathe again.

But I don’t really want to feel okay for only one moment a day. So here’s what I did to settle myself in the moments I felt, well, un.

1. I read. And read. And read. In the three weeks we’ve lived here, I’ve read 3 books. In any spare and sacred moment, I reached out for my fantasy novels and immersed myself in the worlds of dragons and enchantments and, dare I say it, “shadow daddies.” When I couldn’t seem to make this place feel like home, I found a home inside them, instead.
2. Our new fridge isn’t magnetic, but we have with us an oversized whiteboard that is — so I arranged our magnets to exactly replicate the fridge at the old home, so it feels like we’ve copied and pasted a chunk of our first place, into the new place.
3. I’ve spoiled myself a little. Not enough to break the bank, but enough to make the bank think “ah, she’s just moved to a new city and is a little sad about it.” I’ve bought myself a new pencil ring. A jumper based on my current favourite book. I’ve splashed out on Papier. I’ve even bought a PS5 controller. Now, I’m not particularly an avid shopper, but being here and so far from what I know, I’ve let myself purchase a few creature comfort s— all very storyteller-esque, have you noticed? — that align with what I do know: me.
4. I’ve decided to foster cats (well, we both have. It’s kind of a dual-decision). When you’re feeling a little lost in all areas of your existence, a great way to ground yourself in your here and now is to find a way to make that here and now a meaningful one. Sure, we can’t travel the globe as freelancers right now. We can’t work from home in any home in the world. But we can make our home a new home for something who desperately needs one. I’m unsure about a lot of things right now, except that I want to do a lot of good for a little thing. I’ve always known I wanted to help cats, with my words, my walls, my wallet, and now that we’re in a static place for a little while — this is my chance.
5. Played It Takes Two with my soulmate. Played it a lot. Still playing it, actually. We’re getting lost in it and I love it. It’s a new world that’s nothing to do with this one and it’s also a way to spend every moment with Ben that he has to spare. It’silly. Whimsical. Imaginative. It’s all the joy that I’m not fully feeling on my own.

Life isn’t always lemon squeezy

Sometimes life is just bitter. Blinding. Bloody chaotic. You get handed these lemons but you don’t like lemonade, or maybe the lemonade tastes different to the one back home, or maybe the glass shatters at your feet and the shards have embedded into your sole, your soul, until you’re left bleeding out.

Maybe I’m being dramatic — no, no, I know I am — but maybe there are other people out there who are currently living a life they hadn’t planned for, for an unknowable amount of time. It’s difficult, right? When your dreams and your reality are on different flights. Maybe one day their paths will cross, but for now you just have to sit tight, crack open the nuts before you go nuts, and enjoy the journey.

I know it’s hard. But maybe one of those 5 ways will help make it easier. I truly hope so — for us both.

Key takeaways

1. Distraction tactics. Bring your favourite fantasy novels and live inside of them, instead. Read 3 in two weeks. Let yourself be distracted. When you can’t escape, use this escape.
2. Homely reminders. Put your magnets on your new fridge exactly like they were at home. You don’t always have to let go of the past. Sometimes you can just stick it on a whiteboard.
3. Treat yourself. Sure, it’s only instant gratification and the hit will wear off eventually — but right now, all we care about is the moment. In this one, enjoy it.
4. Find a purpose right where you are. Maybe it’s not what you dreamed it would be. But for now, here, find something that fulfills you. On any scale, as little or as large as you can manage, do something, help somebody, and let yourself feel good.
5. Make the most of the time you have. Play games you love with the one you love. Stop scrolling on your phone. Look around you. Imagine more. Organise dates. Plan trips. Give yourself things to look forward. Times might have changed, but they can still be arranged.

Remember: home is where the heart is. Love what you do and love who you do it with — and then home is wherever you are.