Grief...We'll Talk About It

Grief. We might as well start off strong, right? Grief is one of the most ugly processes you’ll endure and anyone who tells you differently is romanticizing it. The only thing beautiful associated with grief is your heart—the fact that you cared that deeply about someone/something and the loss of them moved you. I personally think there are levels of grief. You’re not going to grieve the loss of a job (that you hated) the same way you grieve your grandmother passing. I have one rule about grieving losses that aren’t death related and it’s: 1) Never let the hurt be longer than the embrace. I feel this way mostly about bad friendships, crappy relationships, or losing a job. If you had a crappy relationship that lasted 1 year, I don’t think you should grieve it longer than 1 year. Yes, you’ll miss them from time to time, but the screaming-crying-throwing up phase should be done. Those are the only 3 things I think I put a limit for grief on.

Death? That’s another story. You think you’re finally okay. Then you fast forward 6 years and you’re crying in the parking lot of a Walmart on a Tuesday. It’s not just you missing them, you’re fully engulfed in the grief process again. Dr. Kubler-Ross initially talked about 5 stages and then later revised her original work, now she says there’s 7 stages. Shock. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Hope. Look, I’m not here to argue with the doctor. I’m just here to say, there are certain things we pause because going through it is too heavy. When I lost one of my best-friends in the 9th grade, I paused my grief. Or better yet, I paused at one stage of it. Maybe I did that because, as a kid, I thought if I healed then that means she’s really gone and if I accept that she’s gone, does that mean I don’t care about her anymore? Will I forget her if I finish the stages? I didn’t want that. I know now, that’s not the case, but someone reading this probably doesn’t so I’m sharing. Grief looks different on everyone. Some people are like Bella from The Twilight Saga: New Moon, you know when Edward dipped. Spoiler, sorry. Others are like Billy Hope from Southpaw, where they kind of wreck everything in pain. The not-so rare few are like you probably, where you get up everyday and put on your best smile. You cry when you’re “supposed to” and magically move on (from the looks of it) so no one worries about you. Stop that. You’re putting yourself on schedule that no one is asking of you, that no one would dare ask. If they do, call the cops. The person is obviously a psychopath. Run.

Seriously though, I don’t know how you handle your grief on a day to day, but (here I go with the cliches, will I ever stop?! ) you’re not alone. I’m sorry if it ever feels that way. There are people that care about you who are just waiting for your call, even if you just need them to sit on the phone in silence. Trust me.

I’m the friend that doesn’t hug usually–I just always feel like my words are comforting enough, but when I do…I really hug you. I hope this post feels like that rare, awkward, but much needed hug. Like the one Brennan and Dale have in Step Brothers. I’ll try to stop the movie references, I promise. Maybe not. The point is, it’s okay if your grief is ugly right now—it’s okay if it’s like that for a while. I don’t know how to keep it all together all the time, but if I figure it out… we’ll talk about it.