Getting back into working out

"It's okay not to be okay all of the time."

I've never been an athlete, sports were never something I was good at. But back in 2015 I went on a fitness journey that ended up making me fall in love with working out. For 3 years I was in the best shape of my life, until the end of 2017 when I had slowly cut back on exercise and began experiencing panic attacks. For a while I kept trying to workout as I knew it would help my anxiety and depression.

Somewhere along the way those sessions have become so few and far between that I can't even find the motivation to try most of the time. On days that I do workout I find myself frustrated that I stopped, and can no longer do everything I once could. I know in my rational mind that I need to be kind to myself, and any movement is better than none. The other side of my brain is the problem and what I battle with constantly.

"You are so much stronger than you think."

I want so desperately to gain any sort of motivation to begin my fitness journey again. But what I am learning rather quickly about motivation is you don't wake up and magically have it, you often have to force yourself to do something and then motivation will follow. It's also accepting that I am starting over and that is okay, I know I'll get there one day. Even if I have to take it one day at a time or one hour at a time, I can do this.

I also realize that I need to re-evaluate my relationship with exercise, and that a lot has changed for me since I began my journey all those years ago. For one back then I was in a different mental head space, I had other motivations for working out. Secondly I was capable of doing more weight lifting back then, whereas right now I am not and that is perfectly okay. Lastly I have to do this for me, and in a way that works for me. This may sound ridiculous but in the beginning when I first began struggling, I was told that I needed to get back to the gym because I was a happier person, easier to be around. While those things are probably true, and the person that said them may have meant well. It was discouraging to hear especially at such a vulnerable state in my life. The words stick with me to this day, and can be very discouraging at times when I am struggling with exercising.

"You are not alone and I believe in you."

I am working day by day to remind myself of the small wins, instead of only feeling accomplished when I've done a million thing that day. This will include exercising, even if all I do is take a 5 minute walk outside. I will admit that it is so hard to rewire my brain, especially when all you hear growing up is keep going no matter how bad you feel. I think there is for sure a healthy amount of pushing yourself, but a lot of the times it makes me feel less than and guilty when I have to take a rest.

I hope this post will reach and help just one person. You don't have to be struggling specifically with working out, but this can stretch to other aspects of life. Just remember you are never alone, even in the moments that feel so dark. While healing is linear and it never looks the same for everyone, we are all in this together.