Disabled, Stay-at-Home Mom? College Time!

There's nothing quite like drowning in your 20s while you are in denial about your health and future prospects. Let's step back in time a bit before diving into where I am now and how you can do it too!

Back in 2010 I was in the passenger seat of my friends truck, long story short we ended upside down in a ditch. Cue 10 years of anger, denial, depression and every negative emotion you can think of. The reason for all these feelings was the fact that I was in a lot of pain and it wasn't getting better. After years of being poked and prodded, test after test, breakdown after breakdown, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. A pain disorder that is highly stigmatized and very hard to treat.

As the years went on and on, with the support of my friends and family I was able to work on myself and learn to accept my disability. By the time I was 28 I my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby. Boom! My beautiful daughter was born. It was hard. Really hard, but every moment was worth it.

Part of the hardship during my 20's was the fact that I had no purpose. No idea how to help financially support my family. I tried so many things and my health always failed me, whether it was my mental or physical health. I felt useless! Then one day during a hypomanic period in my life (this is basically the time I got diagnosed with Bi-Polar 2) I went online and checked out so many courses. I applied to loads, child and youth work, ECE, graphic design, web development...I had no idea what I wanted to do. I just knew I wanted to be the best version of me for my daughter.

I got accepted into most of the programs but graphic design required a portfolio, which I ended up putting a lot of work into. The amount of heart I put into the 3 pieces told me I should follow through with it. So I accepted the offer. Boy was I nervous. I had never gone to post-secondary. I did okay in high-school but nothing to write home about. The anxiety grew and grew, the mania faded, the depression hit. I was so scared and close to calling it all off. "Would I be able to follow through?" "Could I keep up?" "What if I'm not smart enough?" These questions ate me alive. But I swallowed them to set an example for my daughter.

By this point I got my diagnosis, I was being treated for my Bi-Polar disorder, and I had reached out for all the possible help I could get — side note, schools will help you when you are disabled and need accommodations, this includes learning disabilities. Ask. For. Help.

Finally college started. I was nervous but excited, I had made some friends with peers in the program, daughter was being looked after during class time, it was go-time! I had a reduced course load at first, one class dropped to ease the load. Looking back I am really happy I did this, it helped me get warmed up to the structure of college without being super overwhelmed. The first year was hard, I never had these types of deadlines before. I never had to be critiqued publicly. It was so hard! Especially learning all these new programs that I hadn't touched before. It was sort of like learning a new language.

First term passed, then came second. This is where the reduced course load kind of messed with my schedule, which honestly was a blessing in disguise. To catch up, my courses overlapped, my schedule wouldn't work without dropping an additional class. Two classes were dropped that term, my plan after was to take the courses I needed during the summer as well as my general electives so I could get ahead. The second term flew by. I was doing really well in my program, I had good marks and I was making an impression on my professors. I felt good, confident!

Finally, the cold disappears and I start summer term. The term I met a professor who changed my life. He flicked a switch in me that made learning so much easier. Finally I could speak the language of the programs and I could create amazing things! I was also getting ahead, so summer was good!

That brings me to here and now. Starting my 2nd year of my three year program. This term brings on new challenges, I have never experienced the pain or mental health exhaustion that I am experiencing now. It's not that this term is harder, the workload is massive. I went from five classes to seven, while raising a three year old. Everyone is struggling. But, I feel good! I feel a passion I have never felt before. I feel a purpose. I feel this love and a need to learn more and more about design. During my 20's I felt empty, slowly my soul is blooming, you could even say I am levelling up.

The reason I am sharing my story is because far too often I hear excuses on why we won't take a leap to better our lives. Is 30? 40? 50? 60? Too old to go back to school? NO! What? Are you crazy? It's never too late to learn something new, to do something you enjoy, to explore possibilities! Some people such as myself, drown in their physical and mental health issues. It's so easy to lose confidence when you feel like you can't do anything. When your body and mind constantly let you down. It's easy to feed into your insecurities and shy away from the scary changes we face. But that feeling of emptiness isn't worth it. This is one of those times where accepting the challenge will help you grow into a better person. If you stay in that darkness, the darkness will only continue to grow, there's no magical cure to get out of it. There's treatment, and the treatment involves living life and being kind to yourself.

Never be afraid to ask for help, it's there for a reason. Colleges and universities want you to succeed. They are rooting for you! If you find yourself longing for that change, this is your sign to do it. Take the leap, you seriously won't regret it. You may not graduate, you may take longer than others, you will still learn something though. You may learn you don't like what you are learning, time to learn something else. You may find something more exciting to you that's an extension of what you are learning. You may find a community you never knew existed.

I hope my story can inspire you and get you thinking about your own needs and fears. I hope it can help you take that leap into a whole new exciting world!