Closing My Heart — To Save Me/You!

The kindest and most selfless humans on the planet endure more pain for their generosity than the ones who aren’t. — Annelise Lords

I think with my heart, so I gave so much to humanity I woke up one morning needing help that could only come from within me. Help, only I could provide for myself.

Help, no other human could give me.

I couldn’t help myself. I checked my heart. There was nothing there for me.

All my life, I put myself, needs, feelings, wants, and whatever it took to make humanity happy, ahead of my own.

My motto, ‘You are happy, I am happy’ lost its value. I made sacrifices to make everyone happy. I didn’t know how to make me happy. My heart didn’t have the answers for me either.

I scoured through my emotions. I couldn’t find any of the love, kindness, forgiveness, patience, understanding, etc., for myself, that I willingly give in abundance to everyone in need.

In my pain, my heart gave love through involuntary actions, hoping someone would return it. None of the people I gave it to have anything to share or spare. That line was longer than time.

How could I give love to everyone and none to myself?

My heart wondered why.

“Because it’s in short supply,” a voice informs.

“But I gave away all of mine to humanity,” I explained.

“There is a lot still left inside of you. You just need to dig deeper,” the voice advises.

I couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength, will, or reason.

I didn’t know how to give love to myself. Again, I had no problem giving and sharing it with humanity.

The line for kindness, understanding, forgiveness, patience, consideration, etc., all of what I gave to humanity that many took for granted, transcends time and space and was packed with humans seeking some.

I couldn’t get any from humanity or our world.

“Everything you want to do is inside of you,” Fate or Destiny notified.

“I know,” I fought back. “I must dig deeper.”

To dig deeper, I would have to put myself first.

I didn’t know how to. Neither did my heart.

Aided and abetted by Depression a voice urged me for days to remove all of my clothing and go stand in the middle of the highway at rush hour!

#Iintend2survive, so I must find the reason and strength to duel my way back to me.

I am a mother of two girls and twin boys, and I know poverty and have been making sacrifices all of my life.

I didn’t know how to make a sacrifice for myself.

Putting me first is the most difficult decision and action I had to make.

Again, #Iintend2survive so a fight for life began. A daring tussle to save me, for me, began. Putting me first is painful. I would have to turn off my instincts, and certain emotions, close the door to my heart, and halt involuntary actions to survive. I would have to stop being kind, to save myself.

That, no matter what life dictates, I had no intention of doing.

My fighting spirit and innovative imagination found a tool.

Common sense.

As I eased my way back to sanity, another clash began from the takers who kept demanding more, unaware that I was waging a war for my life.

Fate reminds me, ‘You got to help yourself before you can help them.’

Every heart that cares will find itself here, where they must choose sanity and themselves by closing their hearts or losing themselves and making humanity happy.

“Who wins?” Fate asks.

“Don’t you want happiness?” Destiny demands to know.

“What do you want?” Life asked. “All three of us can fight for control, but only one of us will win. Is that what you want?”

“I only want control of my life. Not anyone else’s,” I state.

“Then start by helping you to be better,” Life suggests.

“That means I will have to ease away from everyone, temporarily closing my heart in the process?” I wondered, forgetting that life could read my mind.

“Right now, your focus should be on saving you!” Life suggests.

Life and living have become a personal battle for millions of humans worldwide. Many of these conflicts are fought on the inside, while we smile and continue with our lives, pretending all is well. Until some of us crack and end our lives.

#Iintend2survive no matter what life throws my way. And so should you.

Putting YOU first will come at a price. A hefty price if you were very kind and often share yourself out.

I shared out myself. Many times.

The good part is, I don’t mind paying.

It’s the cost that worries me.

“You aren’t doing enough to help us,” the anger and actions of several family members spoke after I return to Jamaica and bought stuff for them. “Your children are grown. It’s you and your husband only. You have the time and resources to help and give more.”

I listen to actions because they speak the truth.

Now I am being thrown back into the ring while wrestling to save myself.

Should I tell them it’s either me or them?

Should I tell them I can’t do anything more because I am fighting to save myself?

Should I tell them I am on the edge and their thoughtlessness and cruelty will topple me over if I continue on the path, they mapped out for me?

Do I owe humanity an explanation why I must ease back from life, and close my heart temporarily just to save me?

What do you think?

I know many of you have been here.

It’s either you, or them?

Who will it be?

This piece tore my heart in many places to write, along with tears in my heart and eyes. Life seems to hurt more when you are good and kind.

WHY?

#Iintend2survive no matter what humanity shares. So should you!

#Iintend2survive #Uintend2survive #Weintend2survive

Thank you for reading this piece. I hope you enjoy it.