ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC?

So between my husband and I, I’m the alcoholic. I’m female, 41 years old and have drank heavily (meaning graduated from beer to liquor) since I was about 24. Growing up, I never understood what an actual alcoholic was, though my father was called it repeatedly by mom so I just interpreted that any drunk person was an alcoholic. I started becoming called one early on and just took it as, I’m a heavy drinker. Never understood the reality or definition of being an alcoholic.

Growing up, my dad wasn’t a person drunk all the time. He worked full time and supported our entire family the duration of my life (Navy – retired twice), while my mother was able to be the caretaker. My mother didn’t drink – she enjoyed the herbal remedies. California sober as my youngest sister’s generation calls it. My father enjoyed his drink after work. They had four daughters, I’m the oldest and out of us girls, me and one other sister got “the bug”. The 1st and 3rd daughters. “The bug” became something I referred to people who liked to drink and could drink like me.. drink til you’re drunk and pass out kind of drinking.

For starters, I always had a profound desire to drink. I remember having my first beer when I was at a friend’s house in high school, and it instantly sparked a sensation, I loved this. I graduated high school with no problems and even got my associate degree a few years after that. However, I always knew that I loved being drunk/buzzed. I enjoyed the power it gave me, the lack of inhibitions and the “not give AF” strength I believed I deserved. I was a personal drinker. In fact, I did not want anyone to know of my several little liquor bottles in my purse, and all of the empties in my car center console. I regularly drank and drove. I mean, I had to get to work and home.

To save a lot of time, I’ve been arrested in four separate counties around where I live – all alcohol related (DUI x2, drunk in public – several, safety personal detainments, etc.). To say I took my drinking seriously, here’s a snippet into the last DUI I got. It was on a Friday. My boss had let us leave early, but I left extra early (noon), as I was already still buzzed from the night before and had continued my drinking so I could push through the hangover. By 11, I noticed I was starting to slur. I felt my coworkers could tell so I just wanted to leave. On the way home while at an intersection, the light turned green, but I was looking at my phone. Not realizing the car in front of me wasn’t moving, I rear ended him. We both pulled off to the side. Immediately, I guess, he could smell the booze reeking out of my breath. I remember him making the comment “you been drinkin??”, which prompted me to bolt. I just left the scene (forgetting I gave him my insurance card which was readily handed to the police officer who arrived at my house shortly after). When the officer arrived, I was taken into custody. Apparently, I blew a 3.2 and 3.3. The officer could not understand how I was not only talking but arguing with him! Well folks, any normal person would not be able to talk, let alone argue. But I have “the bug”. My consistent drinking over the many years had increased my tolerance to unprecedented and disturbing levels. – Oh yea, and I made the local newspaper with the headline “Felony hit/run; Woman blows 3.4” My boss, the same one who let me out early, got to read that.

So I mentioned, I’m a paralegal. That makes my boss an attorney. Would you believe he represented my ass? Indeed. Kept me out of jail and even let me keep my job. But guess what, that incident was back in 2016. Did you think I learned any lessons – or even thought, I’m an alcoholic I can’t be drinking? Negative, my drinking was far from over.

At my worst, I was buying a “brick” to myself – an entire package of the mini shots (12 count) of the 99’s a day – bananas, black cherry, pineapple – God, just writing this made me gag in my mouth – Hell Yeah to that!!! But to save money, vodka was cheap and also looks just like water – so guess what was getting put in my water bottles. Ugh, I forget all the embarrassing crap I did and actually thought no one knew. Have a nephew accidently grab your water bottle and see your family react to you flying up to grab it. Oh - it's really just water.

I also lied about my drinking. I was constantly getting called out by my husband “I can smell it on you!!!” "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?" – and I would be pissed “WTF, I didn’t do anything wrong”, “I worked all day – I have the right” kind of attitude back. The fights were many and only over my drinking. The mere disappointments my husband had not knowing who he was going to come home to, who would want that?

Well not him, after about 3 years of this shit, and a few separations being had, he was done. Btw, this is my 2nd husband - alcohol severed the 1st one too. All things for the best. It was Friday, March 25, 2022, and again, he came home and I was wasted. I was actually passed out and woke up, we fought, and I recall telling him “just get the fuck out!!”. After he left, I got a huge bottle and began the worst binge drinking of my life.

When I came to Monday morning, I was already immediately throwing up the deep dark yellow vile that tastes like vile coming up. Dry heaving, shaking so bad I could hardly move, and feeling my heartbeat in every artery. No husband, a mess of a home. But fuck, I still had my job (new attorney) I had to get to– which was completely on the verge of being lost as well. I tried reaching out to my husband every day after that, to no avail. I determined I was really going to figure out “what the fuck is wrong with me”. I have a loving family; I have never been abused nor in a position that has had me struggling with no one to turn to. I have what you call a successful middle-class upbringing. So, what the fuck was wrong with me?!! Why was my drinking so bad and so different than everyone else’s.

That Friday, April 1, 2022, my sister, the other one with “the bug” just happened to call me to see how I was doing. I told her I was going to go to an AA meeting. Now, as previously mentioned with my past criminal dealings, I was ordered to attend several AA meetings – and did. I successfully completed each and every rehabilitation program ordered (or demanded) and I fucking hated it!!! And admittedly, I was buzzed for several of them. I was smart enough to complete them but I knew I wasn’t done drinking. I was just being told I had to stop. This time was different though. I was at that rock bottom – done. The only place I could think of was the place I had turned down and scoffed at so many times before. My sis surprised me, “Oh, cool, I’m going to come too”. Assured, I’m not an AA rep. This is only my personal experience and opinions.

I went to my first meeting that night like it was the first time I had ever been there. I guess, mentally, it was. I still had the shakes pretty bad, was incredibly emotional and did not want to speak. Something totally understandable there. When my turn came to speak, simply saying “hi my name is Irene, and I’m an alcoholic” – hearing it out loud, gave me a weird sense of comfort, like a ‘duh’ moment of understanding – “and I’m just listening today”. I knew I was in the right place at the right time. Now, I’m beyond willing to understand what this “alcoholism” shit they been talking about is.

I truly wanted to know what was wrong with me. And I got it. While I didn’t follow the AA program as suggested, the information, tools and resources available are FREE for anyone and are common sense practices that work for almost anything. It’s a spiritual program, not a religious program. Which just means every faith (or lack thereof ) is accepted. In fact, it’s a “Higher Power” that they want you to seek. I’ve never been religious or spiritual, but I could definitely learn. Anything to help my body and mind. So, I got educated on alcoholism. Even prior to my husband leaving me, we had discussed several in-patient rehab facilities. Which, if you ever researched, it’s a joke! Unless you have $1k/day; $10k up front, there is no reasonable rehab facility for the average working woman with no kids.

So the first thing needed is the Big Book (the alcoholics bible) – Alcoholics Anonymous. You can get one on Amazon here: Alcoholics Anonymous - The Big Book. (I also started affiliate marketing – trying for success!), but it’s not about that, this book is available on Ebay or anywhere. Get it however you can – even at AA meetings they will give them to you if they have them. When I started reading it, really reading it, it just blew my mind how familiar everything they were saying was. What even isn't relevant to you will still be understood.

Now here’s just some of where I learned about my disease, Chapter 3. Can read the full portion here: Chapter 3. Such commons sense, such familiarity, such my answer. The Intro of Chapter 3 explains:

““MORE ABOUT ALCOHOLISM

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals--usually brief--were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried: drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums--we could increase the list ad infinitum.

We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.

Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop while there is yet time. We have heard of a few instances where people, who showed definite signs of alcoholism, were able to stop for a long period because of an overpowering desire to do so."

So to know if you're like me, an "alcoholic", I lose all my control when I take that first drink – meaning, I will not just stop at one. I immediately want and will have a second and a third and it will not stop until I’m passed out. No matter how many times I say I'm only going to have, X amount. That first drink in my body is like “Bruce” the shark from Shark Take when he sniffs in the blood from the wounded fish. Alcohol for me immediately made me happy and peaked all my senses. Well, for me it did. No one else around me felt any of that excitement, in fact, quite the opposite, no one wanted to be around any of my “happiness”.

So, I got it. I can’t EVER take that first drink. Understanding that I couldn’t drink wasn’t too hard to accept at the time. I was the sickest I had ever been in my life (that I remember) and alcohol was not even a thought in my mind. When I reached my “1 week” without alcohol. I wasn’t too surprised as I had done many one-week stints. When I got to 2 weeks, that was honestly the first time I went two weekends in a row without drinking in probably 15 years. I celebrated each monumental day after that like they said, one day at a time and before I knew it I had 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, 1 year and still, as of, June 28, 2023, I’m enjoying 1 year and 3 months alcohol free. Let me tell you, nothing tastes as good as being hangover free is!!!!

I stopped going to AA pretty much after I got what I needed, around the 6mos mark (but that’s what is okay about that program, it’s available to anyone, anytime and for FREE) – though it’s saddened by them for you not to “keep coming back”. The only requirement is you must have a desire to stop drinking. They welcome all, are unbelievably the real deal when educating about alcoholism. Assured you would not believe how “regular” (owners of companies, paralegals, etc.) the people there not on court cards are that return routinely for their continued recovery – it really is free therapy. Some have religions, some don’t. I don’t/didn’t. Doesn’t matter. This is all about healing you. Educating you on the disease and understanding why it’s not a bad thing that I never “get to” take a first drink – so funny, I’m still terrified of what would happen if I took a first drink now. I’m the real deal folks.

For me, since becoming aware of my disease, I treat alcohol like it’s an allergy. It is. For me, when I drink, my reaction is that I don’t want to stop – and I don’t. Which is a bad reaction to have. I have no control when I drink. So, I removed alcohol from my diet like any person would modify their life if allergic to something or if dealing with high blood pressure/cholesterol or are a person with diabetes. Those people aren’t going to knowingly gorge themselves with fried steak and eggs when the result would likely be deadly. I had to understand, my body just processes alcohol completely differently than say, my husband, or any “normy” – like my mom and other two sisters.

I started writing this to share with you the benefits of learning why I am unable to take a first drink – like “regular people” and why it’s the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Just to be able to share some inspiration on what can be done when you stop drinking. First, after about 90 days, I gained control of my life and knew I never wanted to take another drink again. I knew I was going to be significantly better off for it. It was just such a commonsense epiphany. Me, who loves control, gets to keep all the control, so long as I don’t take a first drink. After approximately 6 months alcohol free, the hubby came back home –some other developments occurred interim but handling it sober was a thousand times more productive and meaningful than anything I ever did drunk.

So where I’m at today: My husband and I are still together and coincidently have not had a separation since we got back together. The power of removing alcohol. As part of some personal ongoing “therapy/recovery” - we picked up fishing – okay, I picked up fishing – hubby always had the heart for it and we started a new YouTube channel: @Mr.and Mrs. Catfish. If bored, please check it out, and feel free to subscribe! 😊 We are trying to reach that 1,000 subscribers monetization level 😊 – still far from it!!! But fun goals. And it’s been all new learning. I’m not tech savvy, so still much progress to be had. But it’s so much fun. If you get on YouTube, you can actually help us for free by clicking that "subscribe" button. Lol, but not offended if you don't!

The last year+ has been unbelievable for me, for us! It’s truly incredible what can be done when not hungover, fighting, or trying to piece together the night before – not even getting into the horrific feeling of looking at the phone the next day. The power you gain by understanding your body and why you can’t take a first drink, becomes a newfound appreciation for the knowledge and guess what, I never have to deal with another hangover again!! Even my worst dreams don’t touch my hangovers.

And if you do that, well here’s what happened to me. My first three years of marriage, my husband and I went on a handful of trips – trips that I can barely remember (ones I’m sure he wishes he didn’t). Trips that were all dreaded by my husband because he knew I would be wasted or sneaking bottles so I could still have my buzz.

The moment I took control of my life, I started living, enjoying, and all with my relieved and happy husband. For me, nature and being outdoors is my religion and where I find peace. We live in California so if you are from the Central Valley, CA, you may recognize these. If not, even cooler, check them out!!! Now all me and my husband do is look for new lakes, rivers, trails anywhere to fish. We even added 2 new states a year as a goal. So far, we’ve hit Wisconsin and Tennessee 😊

Just a few of my favorite (and now can be called “memorable”!) trips have been – and keep in mind this is just within this last year:

Courtright Dam/Reservoir(!! – Mind blowing!!)

Wishon Dam (Pictured above. I could see fish swimming around)

Bass Lake (Camp there – fish at the dam)

Huntington Dam & Shaver Lake.

CLEARLAKE!!!! We got over 50+ catfish in April, 2023. They're on our channel.

Many, many pics on my FB: Irene Oliveira (Mrs. & Mrs. Catfish), welcome to check out!

Pine Flat Dam; Alta (Cobble)Weir on N Piedra Rd between Pine Flat & Avocado Lake (interesting little lake with the Kings River that flows behind it – ultimately ending up in our “backyard” aka fishing hole!

Lake Kaweah – Three Rivers, CA;

Lake Success – Porterville, CA;

California Hot Sprints/Pine Flat Village/Johnsondale – to get to the Natural rock waterslides;

Waller Park – Santa Maria, CA (Catch and release park – surprised me there were HUGE catfish in there!);

California Aqueducts (enter Hwy 198/ Hwy 41/ or Avenal Cutoff)

Top of the World (Tamarack Ridge between Shaver and Huntington; trails all around);

Morro Rock, Cambria, Cayucos & San Simeon - our fav. Pier/place to stay at the coast;

Lake Nacimiento – behind Paso Robles (was hot!! – a lot of ragged drops);

Hollywood Reservoir (couldn’t find any bank fishing – saw people fishing; incredibly hard to find! We going all through the LA Hills;

Santa Monica Pier – it’s awesome here right next to Venice; but crowded;

Lake Isabella – outside Bakersfield; Cool drive to get to! Gets hot! ; Cool towns close by: Silver City/Bodfish; Kernville;

Lake Ming was a neat little lake too right outside Bakersfield – boats and fishing;

Silverwood Lake – So this was def an adventure. There’s two ways/parts we discovered to get access for fishing. The 1st was followed by google maps and led us down an unbelievable mountain side (our first clue should have been when it said it would take 30 mins to go 2 miles); The 2nd – we fortunately learned the next day, leads you right to the recreational center with the boat ramp, fishing piers, even a trailer tackle store. This drive was about 3.5 hrs from our home; It’s east of LA and North of San Bernardino – Barstow area;

Castaic Lake – windy, windy. But there is a little lake before the actual lake. Need to keep driving around the mountain to get to Castaic. Hubby caught a striper here; We came here before we went to Magic Mountain.

Hensley Lake, Lake McClure, Bagby – the Bridge!!;

Ragged Point – Just north of San Simeon pier - GORGEOUS!

Kaweah River (behind Lemon Cove); never really knew was there!!;

And the adventures continue. To say my husband, my family, my friends, anyone that loves me, etc., isn’t beyond relieved and happy that I “finally quit drinking”, is an understatement. To be entrusted by my sisters to drive with my nephews again, for my boss to be able to take a week vacation and trust the work will be done, for my family to be able to ask anything of me, and I am sober to assist is pure happiness for me. For my husband, who dealt with years of insanity, to now be able to come home and have his wife not be wasted, or dead. It really is never too late - until it is. I was lucky my binge didn’t kill me. It only comes down to understanding why you can’t take that first drink. I’m so strong headed and it took a lot to grasp. But when I did, I got it. The duh’ Epiphany. So long as I don’t take that first drink, I will always be in control of my actions. The alternative will always be insanity.

Hope that helped someone. Remember, it’s not your fault you’re an alcoholic (I blamed my dad – LOL, just kidding, it’s not his fault either), but being educated about it will save your life. If you’re like me, we just simply process alcohol differently - my mind craves it and won't stop consuming it upon taking that first drink. So, if you want your life back, the answer must always be to never take that first drink. Truly before you know it, you will have a YEAR of no alcohol under your belt and it will become your new way of life. It will disgust you to think of that burn going down your throat. You will readily associate alcohol with horrific hangovers, damage, dirty, and regrets. Don't take that first drink and you will always know what happened the night before. Don't' take that first drink and you can finally live a life waking up every morning, with that instant beautiful feeling of knowing, I didn't drink. If want to find your local AA, here's their link: AA Meetings near you.

& Don't forget to check out our continued adventures at: @Mr.andMrs.Catfish. We appreciate any support!

I'm also currently working on How to Get a Divorce without An Attorney. I'm a paralegal, remember ;) Look for it soon.