Trying to quiet the voices that have given me depression

There is a darkness in my soul, in my heart, that I can't seem to shake. I am in the part of my healing journey, that is lonely and alone. The part of the healing journey where I wish things were different. When I wonder if I made a mistake. I need to remind myself that what really happened and the reason why I feel the way that I do. That is the hard part of my healing journey. I don't have a lot of friends anymore. When I got into my past relationship, he did a good job of isolating me. Of making sure that I had no friends. So I feel like I have no one to talk to now. Which is funny as I live with so many people. However, my family is toxic and not very understanding. I never felt like they believed in me, understood me, or were really there for me. Because of this, and because of the trauma I have been though, I find it very hard to open up now. When you don't open up, it's hard to feel a good, strong connection with people. I know part of the problem is me, but I find it hard to fix it. In my head, I have opened up and build connections with people. But at the moment I freeze, and close myself off again. Afraid that if I open up to another person that I will get hurt again.

Now I feel so lonely, so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one to do things with. No one to have a real connection with. As my daughter doesn't count. Every time I feel lonely, I am reminded of his words. My ex loved to tell me that no one else in the world will love me, that no man would want me, that without him, I would be alone. It is in the lonely moments, that I replay those words and wonder if it's true.

When I go into that dark hole, I feel like I can't get out. I feel like I am in a dark hole with no light. I logically know that this will pass, that I will get through this. Getting to that point is the hardest thing for me. I get tempted to date, to go online trying to find some sort of connection. Though I know that isn't a great idea. Moving onto someone else, isn't the right answer to fix my problems. Too many people jump from one relationship to another, trying to fix the problems through someone else. It isn't healthy. I'm not him, I don't want to be him. I want to heal myself. There is also a part of me that wants to prove him wrong. He also loved to tell me that he is the only way I will have a family. That he is the only one that give me the life I want. I forgot that part of me that has also taken care of myself. The part of me that is strong and capable of providing for myself. So I want to build a great life for myself, so that I can prove him wrong. That I don't need a man to give me a life, that I can do it on my own.

Now that thought is both great, and lonely all at the same time. I have to do something to knock myself out of this darkness that I am in. It's so lonely.

Part of my problem is that he had been sending me videos of women that he is with. He claims that he is a bodyguard for strippers and escorts. There was only one video where she touched him briefly. However, most of the videos are of these women walking around their house half naked. I can assume what is happening. It is also almost never the same women. It's always different women. It's like he has a different woman every night. It hurts. Every time he sends me another video, it pulls me deeper into the dark hole. I know that I shouldn't be with him, that he is a terrible person, that I don't want to build a life with him. The fact that I am alone, and he is with all these women hurt for some reason. So every time I get another video, I get more depressed, and then I want to date. I want to find a great guy so that I don't have to think about it anymore.

If you really want to heal, that you need to love yourself. You need to be okay with being by yourself. The logical part of my mind says that I am doing the right thing. Getting into a relationship when you are depressed is not a good idea. Dating does suck after all. Now I am wondering when I will be ready for someone else? How will I know? When will the time be right? Maybe it never will. I just wish that I wasn't so lonely all the time.

-T