Toxic Narcissism: A Hidden Enemy

Toxic Narcissism: A Hidden Enemy

Part 2: Defining Traits of the Narcissist.

In the first part of this series I explained what general narcissism is and how it differs from the chronic narcissism of someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. To read the first part, please click here. It's now time to introduce some common traits to be found in those who have NPD. As mentioned previously, those with NPD can be tentatively categorised in one of two ways. The first is the covert narcissist, also known as the shy narcissist. The other type of narcissist is overt. The difference should become apparent as you continue reading. An effort has been made here to be objective in my analysis below but I would say it is not entirely correct nor objective in the strictest sense. The reader may disagree with which trait should be assigned to which personality and this is quite acceptable. It is also quite possible to attribute traits of the covert and overt narcissist in one person. I should add that my observations have only been based on a few individuals. Though many of my interpretations do find agreement in other literature on the subject, some conclusions are my own. It should also be noted that two of the NPD sufferers observed were married, one being covert, the other overt. I will discuss this partnership a little later. The main aim here is to help the reader to at least begin to identify NPD in the first place. The hope is that one may better determine whether they are in relationship to a person with NPD. In beginning to identify this condition, the victim may then be able to consider possible solutions. This will also be discussed later. Lastly, it is the aim of this article to spur the reader on to further reading in order to understand this very prevalent but poorly understood condition. Let’s look now at likely symptoms of both covert(shy) and overt sufferers of NPD:

Traits of the Covert and Overt NPD:

Extremely self centred

Covert: It’s all about them. The shy narcissist will try to disguise this trait but it tends to appear outwardly in their speech and actions if you look closely. Mainly absent of the ability to genuinely care for anyone but themselves, they must trick others into believing otherwise. The trickery relates to their shyness. Behind the mask of shyness(covertness) is guilt about their grandiosity.This guilt has nothing to do with the redemptive possibility of character change but how to disguise their narcissism amongst those who may expose them.Their guilt is mixed with a strong sense of entitlement.

Overt: Tend to be quite shameless about their self centred-ness. They see nothing wrong with it. It is justified. They are the Queen bee. It is not hidden. That said, they most certainly would not regard themselves as narcissists. Though such overtness is present in romantic, close friend or family relations, they may not necessarily be so overt in public or work life. Both covert and overt narcissists seem to express their narcissism more fully when they feel safe to do so. Unfortunately, they often feel safest in expressing their narcissism to their loved ones.

2) Huge victim mentality

Covert + Overt: Always see themselves as the victim while unable to see the pain they inflict on others.

3) Paint a picture of a perfect childhood.

Covert: For the loved one, trying to discover the possible family origin of the narcissist, they may get tricked by this false, perfect picture and be left confused.

Overt: May be aware of an imperfect childhood but lacks the ability to see how this has led to their personality disorder, again in denial of the very fact. Sometimes their narcissistic tendencies towards their children is justified due to receiving similar treatment as a child.

4) Nothing goes my way

Covert: When provoked they can regress to petulant child like behaviour.

Overt: May respond the same way but more inclined to get their way with dominating behaviour.

5) Feel unappreciated and moan loudly about it

Covert + Overt: Often amazed that no one will give them the credit that they think they deserve.

6) Incredibly sensitive/defensive towards any criticism.

Covert + Overt: They tend to project their own defects or insecurities on to you. It’s common for them to respond to any criticism by accusing the critic of the same trait. While this is justified for someone to do sometimes, the narcissist will do it almost every time. It comes across as petulant and immature. The narcissist generally has very low self esteem often fending off and denying their own inner criticisms. They therefore have no room for external criticism, even if it is true, fair and accurate.

7) Strong desire to be seen as wonderful

Covert + Overt: Always attempt to present themselves as good as gold. Morally superior but a fake morality and false humility. Not uncommon for them to be a pillar in the community or charitable. The main motivator though, is always to be seen as such. The ‘wonderful’ image will also be drummed into those close to them despite a lack of evidence. While a neutral observer may see the lack of evidence, those closest to the narcissist may have been gaslighted for so long that they may struggle to see the narcissist for who they really are and to see the manipulation for what it is.

8) Full of self pity

Covert + Overt: Self pity is as chronic as their efforts to seek pity. Will go out of their way to find a sympathetic ear, even when they are in fact, in the wrong. Tend to be overly showy in their vulnerability. As though they say, ‘Look at me, I’m in pain’.

9) Continually lying

Although everyone lies, for the person with NPD, it is as though, they themselves are the lie for their personality is built on a series of falsehoods.

Covert: Due to their shyness, they have to resort to more passive, deceptive tactics in order to maintain the false image of themselves. Continual lies and denials are also the result of being incredibly shame based. To allow a little shame that self honesty may necessitate, could cause their whole world to come tumbling down. Never vulnerable about their narcissism.

Overt: Quite similar to the covert but tend to be more forward in their defensiveness. Present good arguments and justifications for their behaviour that can confuse and disarm those who correctly challenge them. It must be said that these justifications may not work in other social settings. The NPD person seems to be most successful in relations where they have the upper hand, such as with their children or spouse.

10) Propensity towards depression

Covert + Overt: Normally as a result of the enormous demand of a life constantly seeking narcissistic supply and maintaining a false self image. The underlying definition of happiness and how to achieve it is always tied to a continued supply of narcissistic gratification. The depression is a result of not achieving their unrealistic, narcissistic goals and the deeper pain that is felt by their failure.

11) Happiness is normally a result of success in their narcissism

Covert + Overt: Not a natural type of happiness. It is not dissimilar to a drug addict in that they are moody until they get their next hit of validation of their false image from another person. When unhappy, usually as a result of not getting what they want, it is common for them to make others unhappy by way of provoking conflict.

12) False sentimentality/lack of genuine empathy

Covert: Due to lacking a range of true emotions, they will fake them. Often the listener can pick up a tone of insincerity or falseness from such speech. At times it can even sound a little like a replay of a movie dialogue. May still be capable of genuine empathy at times.

Overt: May tend to be less pretentious and willing to be bold in their coldness. May still be capable of genuine empathy at times as well.

13) Simmering hostility under the surface

Covert + Overt: Behind the exterior false image of themselves, they likely harbour deep rage, bitterness and anger. At times their mask will slip for others to see. Also strong tendency towards ‘quiet’ jealous rage of others who have what they want but are not deemed as ‘good’ as the narcissist.

14) Almost all good deeds for another must benefit the narcissist in some way

Covert + Overt: The receiver often mistakes such gifts as genuine altruism. The narcissist will justify their self interested generosity as a ‘win win’ situation when it is in fact, masking their inability to consistently commit a selfless act. May still be capable of genuinely selfless acts as well. Such double nature tends to confuse the victim, sometimes leaving them feeling unjustified in feeling that their loved one is selfish. This can produce guilt in the victim. The NPD person is generally quick to pounce on the victim’s confusion and will aim to emphasise a genuine good deed in order to deny their other selfish or self seeking ‘good’ deeds.

15) Superficial and materialistic

Cover + Overt: This is normally quite easy to spot. Though non NPD people may also behave in this way, with the narcissist, it is almost guaranteed. A preoccupation with how they look, looking young, shopping, brands, money and status. It’s a core, permanent vanity. Vanity in society however, tends to be a mix of people with learned vanity and those with core vanity like the NPD sufferer.

16) Deeply shame based

Covert + Overt: Not a normal moral shame but a chronic, toxic type. This shame must be suppressed at all times requiring tremendous amounts of energy from the narcissist. Such shame likely rooted in repressed shaming from parents in childhood.

17) Shame Transference

Overt and Covert: Being unable or unwilling to face their own guilt or shame, they transfer it onto another. They will readily shame others despite such behaviour being unfair and hypocritical. While healthy shame can benefit us in socially limiting ways, the toxic shame denied and transferred by the narcissist to their victim always judges, limits and labels the victim’s identity rather than their sin. Incidentally, this sin may not be a sin in and of itself but an imagined sin conjured up by the deluded and fragile narcissist.

18) Guilt trip others

Overt and Covert: They tend to guilt trip others through manipulation and victimhood in order to get the result they want. The guilt trip could be regarded as a soft weapon used for certain goals of manipulation. Shaming is the hard weapon.

19) Cunning/crafty/deceptive

Covert: Much effort is directed at putting others into a hypnotic state of submission of belief in the NPD sufferer’s fake personality. This effort strengthens their deceptive skill. The victim when becoming aware of NPD may feel the perpetrator is a genius. Smart though the narcissist is, the victim often gives too much credit. This is since the victim, often unconsciously, attempts to defend their ego in that they could have been fooled so easily by the narcissist.

Overt: Again more overt than the covert narcissist. Will declare clearly that black is white while the covert will use more deceptive tactics to convince you of the same lie.

20) Split identity.

Covert: Caught between grandiosity and feebleness. Assume they are above and better than everyone else but also ashamed about it. The shame again is not moral but more to do with not being found out by others. This explains much of their covert methods of manipulation.

Overt: While also caught between grandiosity and feebleness, their grandiosity is more visible and unapologetic. Their feebleness, is expressed as deep self pity. It is a though the victim sees a lion turn suddenly into a mouse. This split behaviour again confuses the victim. They are caught between hurt feelings received from the lion personality and pity for the feeble mouse personality. This can also lead to a split of personality in the victim regarding how to respond to the NPD person and how they see themselves as a person.

21) They never apologise or very rarely.

Covert + Overt: One reason is due to their chronic shame that could implode on them if they give an inch to even constructive criticism. Also, due to their high arrogance, their inner dialogue may read ‘why should a King apologise to a serf?’. To note, such chronic shame and defence is perhaps also at the root of other personality disorders

22) Very arrogant and lacking in humility.

Covert: Their humility is always false. Again, every attempt is made to disguise their arrogance but it should be obvious, if not in words but in deeds.

Overt: Can also be very arrogant but in a less disguised manner.

23) Extremely entitled.

Covert + Overt: They think they are special or even perfect(magical thinking). They wish for more and think they deserve more than others. They expect to be treated specially. This is quite easily seen in daily manner in their high expectations of treatment when dining at a restaurant or shopping in a store. They are regularly found moaning when their high standards are not met, which is often the case. They get deeply wounded by this as it conflicts with their illusion of importance. In fact, the failure of another to comply to the narcissist’s perceived superiority is regarded as an attack on their superiority. This can trigger narcissistic rage or outburst.

24) Shameless.

Covert: A seeming paradox but though the narcissist is deeply shamed based, they often act in shameless ways. Such shameless ways are generally not seen by the narcissist but should be helpful for the victim attempting to identify NPD in the other person. Such shamelessness can on occasion, be the result of an attempt to just be their narcissistic self. It seems they grow weary of always keeping the mask on and may act out in this way occasionally.

Overt: Shameless and not afraid to show it.

25) Exploitation.

Covert: It can take many of the forms mentioned above but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. The covert will try to hide this exploitation with limited success.

Overt: Their lack of regard for the feelings or interests of others is more easily seen. They will tend to justify their ways by overtly manipulating others with seemingly sound arguments. The covert NPD person will tend to look for more discreet ways to exploit others.

26) Poor boundaries.

Covert: This again ties into exploitation. Others exist to meet the covert’s needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations.

Overt: May also have poor boundaries like the covert but less disguised.

27) Very sensitive to stress

Covert + Overt: The efforts to maintain their facade along with the excessive burden of repressed shame and denied fragility of their wounded self is quite exhausting. There is little energy left over and their stress tolerance is quite low. Strangely enough, those with NPD will still take on projects that are high pressure. This may be due to a lack of self value that prevents them from setting boundaries that appreciates their limits. It is odd that those with NPD do not respect other’s boundaries nor their own at times. It must be remembered though, that behind the person with grandiose NPD is a terribly feeble and insecure person. It’s all an act that seems to deceive themselves, the overt more than the covert. It may also be possible that the goals of a NPD person to fulfil that false self image and the stress that comes with it is a price they are willing to pay though not really capable of paying. It is common to hear the whole ‘martyr’ speech in these instances. ‘We are doing it all for you, the loved one’ when in reality, there is almost always personal self interest.

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It is quite sobering to consider the many ways NPD can express itself. It is further exasperating to have to then determine whether the narcissist is either covert or overt. Though my categorising may not be perfect, I feel it imperative to present both types in the hope we may not only catch the overt in the act but also the sneakier covert who can prove harder to pin down. Though they both live a delusion seeking someone to feed it, the person with covert NPD may be regarded as more imperceptible as they more completely aim to conceal their abusive ways. It must not be forgotten though, that they are both fakers and tricksters.

This concludes part two in the ‘Toxic Narcissism: A Hidden Enemy’ series. Look out for part three where I focus specifically on how the NPD parent interacts with the child. This will prove insightful for those seeking to understand the inner working of narcissistic parents with their children.